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Archives of
“WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS”
MONTHLY NEWSLETTER
Previous Monthly Newsletters
2008
October -
The "Eternal Struggle"
September -
"What's 'Right' . . . " What's 'Wrong' . . . " and "What the
'****'????"
August - Pain: Yours, Mine . . . and "Theirs"
July - Dreams
June - Why Time ALONE Doesn't "Heal All
Wounds". . .and What Does!
May - Yes, It IS OK
April - Are You Too Old?
. . . and Why the Answer is NO
March - Looking, Learning, Looking
Again . . . then Leaping"
February
- Sculpting Your Life
January
- Onward, Upward . . . and Forward
2007
December
- There's STILL Nothing Like
Hope for the Holidays.
November - The Most Hated and
Misunderstood Word Is . . .
October -
Setbacks - and Comebacks
September
- Turning Grief into Growth
August -
Pain - And Peace
July - The Brave Front
June - "Losing" the Battle . . . and Winning
the War
May - Am I Crazy
April - How Do You Do It?
March
- March-ing Forward
February
- Hearts, Healing and Hope
January
- It CAN be a Happy New Year
2006
December
- There's Nothing like HOPE for the Holidays
November
- You're Still Here
October
- Stay Strong
September
- Hello My Friends
THE “ETERNAL STRUGGLE”
Hello my friends and Happy October!
History in all of its forms, be it biblical or folk; fictional or
pop has certainly had its fair share of “eternal struggles” and
conflicts: David vs. Goliath; the Hatfields vs. McCoys; Billie Jean
King vs. Bobby Riggs; the Beatles vs. the Rolling Stones; the Dallas
Cowboys vs. Just About Any Other Team In The NFL and of course, My
Hair vs. Humidity.
This month, we look at an “eternal struggle” and conflict with which
a great many of you have taken serious issue – with good reason:
DEATH vs. DIVORCE
I
know that many of you have run into people who have made comments to
the effect of, “I know how you feel; I’m divorced”. I also
know that many of you have been nearly overcome with the desire to
hit these people in the head.
During our last live teleseminar, two of our own WWS “Wonder Women”
were kind enough to share their own stories of Death vs. Divorce.
Holly in Florida, a good friend to and a longtime member of WWS was
told by a divorced acquaintance that she was “lucky to have a
fresh start”. Another dear WWS friend and longtime
member, Michelle in Rhode Island was told that, “You’re lucky
your husband died; at least you’ll never have to see him again”.
Can you IMAGINE??????
Perhaps you can. Perhaps you have been told the same things – or
worse.
There are two unfortunate facts here. First, a divorced person is
generally dealing with some kind of animosity; whether they
initiated their divorce or not and would likely prefer not ever
having to see or hear from their “ex” again (hence our wonderful
Holly and Michelle being told how “lucky” they were). Secondly, and
commonly, those who have endured a divorce do see themselves as
having endured a “death” of sorts…the “death” of a marriage; the
“death” of a relationship and the “death” of a life once shared –
and they see that as the great common denominator with the widowed.
Guess what?
THEY ARE WRONG
A
divorce means that somebody somewhere made a choice to leave the
marriage. This obviously isn’t the case with us. Our marriages
ended through or by no one’s choosing. Our marriages ended by
sudden or lengthy Illness; accident; tragedy or unforeseen
circumstances – not because of anyone’s “choice”. How could
anyone have the audacity to compare divorce to widowhood?
The answer is simple – divorcees are comparing the “deaths” that
they have experienced to the death that we have had to endure. Just
as we have, they too may suffer pain, anger, bitterness, financial
challenge and an uncertain future. They then automatically assume
that they understand the widows’ feelings.
…and it’s up to us to gently correct them. Note the
emphasis on the words “gently”.
A
few months ago, I was a guest on a radio show where the host invited
listeners to call in and ask questions. This is one of my favorite
kinds of radio shows to do because I love the spontaneity. A
gentleman called in and didn’t ask a question at all – he just
rambled on about how he knew exactly what it was like to be widowed
because he was divorced.
(…and I’m sitting there listening to him thinking, ”um….are you
KIDDING me?????”)
As many of you know, diplomacy is not a trait for which I’m widely
known; however, I knew I had to be gentle – this was a person in
obvious pain (not to mention the fact that this was also live
radio). I calmly responded by saying that while I
understand that divorce does indeed represent the death of a
relationship and that is a “death” and a pain that also requires
time to recover, it truly doesn’t equate to the death of a spouse.
I then went on to advise the listening audience that telling a widow
that the experience of a divorce is the same as losing a spouse is
not the sort of thing that any widow needs to hear – because it
isn’t comforting and it isn’t true.
Now, while I will never understand anyone making the
sort of comments that were made to Holly and Michelle, it’s up to us
to gently let people know that while we appreciate the
fact that they too have suffered a loss, it cannot be compared on
any level to the death of a spouse.
Not too long ago, a woman posted to our Message Board. Her husband
had left her for a younger woman and you could tell from the post
that this woman badly needed someone to talk to about her
situation. I can only imagine the pain and the betrayal that she
must have felt – but posting on a Message Board designed for the
widowed was perhaps not the best avenue for her situation. When I
read the post, I actually winced, thinking, “uh oh, our members
are going to see this and the responses aren’t going to be pretty”.
However, we chose to leave the post in place, since it was not
offensive in any way – this was a person who was just looking for
insight and suggestions.
Dee, who is another one of our WWS members (state of residence
unknown), posted a wonderful reply to this woman’s plight, which is
excerpted here (the full post is available for viewing on the
Message Boards):
“While your feelings of loss are valid, it is not the same as being
a widow. I had an acquaintance make the same analogy regarding her
husband leaving her for another woman. I let her know [that] I did
not appreciate the comparison. I am not dismissing your feelings of
loss [but] please do not assume [that] being widowed is similar.
Dee did a fantastic job of educating this woman by gently
letting her know that while no one is dismissive or uncaring of how
she must feel; she should nonetheless realize that the loss
of a spouse is not the same as a divorce from
a spouse. The losses cannot and should not be compared.
You should feel free to gently correct anyone who is trying to draw
a comparison between their divorce and your loss – not by playing
the game of “My Pain Is Worse Than Your Pain”, but by letting them
know that death is not the same as divorce; that you are not “lucky”
to have lost your husband or “lucky” to have a “fresh start” and
that in most cases, divorce = bitter while in all
cases, death = overwhelming grief. The two cannot and should not be
compared.
Thanks to Holly, Michelle and Dee for so generously sharing their
experiences, insight and wisdom – and to all of you, be sure to keep
right on visiting Widows Wear Stilettos – because everyone
here DOES “get it” – you won’t find anyone making “comparisons”!
Finally, all of us at Widows Wear Stilettos send our thoughts
and prayers to all of our good friends affected by the recent
hurricanes. We are thinking of all of you with love and good wishes
for your safety and for the safe preservation of your homes and
communities.
Until next month – STAY STRONG!!
Carole
“What’s ‘Right’…”What’s ‘Wrong”…and “WHAT THE **** ????’ “
Hello my friends and Happy September!
“Life is a combination of looking backward – and living
forward.”
----
Dr. Ed Poole
As many of you know, September is a big month at Widows Wear
Stilettos September marks our two-year anniversary of “going
global” . As amazing as our first year was, the second has been
even greater!
During this past year, we have seen the traffic on the Message
Boards actually TRIPLE and in the past month alone, we have seen
website traffic increase that is FOUR TIMES greater than
usual. This year also saw a huge increase in media attention and
awareness; not only in the United States, but all over the world;
bringing even more women in need into our midst and into your
welcoming hearts. You will be thrilled to know that the media has
truly embraced Widows Wear Stilettos, all of you and all of
your stories – and are committed to continuing to help us reach out
to as many women in need as possible.
I
continue to “travel the globe” on media and personal appearances and
have so enjoyed meeting many of you. Because of our newly expanded
coaching programs, I am also now meeting many more of you over the
telephone and having the opportunity to spend time with you is truly
a gift. What amazing, strong, inspiring women all of you are; each
with your own stories of tragedy, challenge, recovery and growth.
I
suppose that having gotten to know so many of you personally
explains my almost-irrational reaction to recent message board posts
that I viewed. Or perhaps it is because that being a widow myself,
I’ve been subject to similar treatment in years long gone by. Guys,
I was so upset; so taken aback at what I was seeing on the Message
Boards that September’s newsletter nearly got posted in mid-August
(although I think that cooling off a bit was probably best).
You see, I take great umbrage and offense at anyone….ANYONE…criticizing,
questioning or opining on how each and every one of you handles your
grief and your healing journey – at ANY stage of the journey.
Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of that going on and what’s
worse, it’s causing the most amazing women in the world – YOU
– to question whether or not you are “good” people. Can you
IMAGINE????
Allow me to share excerpted posts from the Message Boards, so that
you can get a better idea as to why I am reacting in the way that I
am at the idea that anyone would dare criticize these fantastic
women – and then tell me that you aren’t compelled to drop what
you’re doing to go give these wonderful ladies a hug. (Please
note that you can read all of the following posts in their entirety
on the Message Boards; they are excerpted here in the interest of
space):
From Barbie in New York:
“I need to know if I'm a bad wife, daughter in-law,
or person if I don't go to the cemetery all the time. My mother
in-law is constantly asking if I have been to the cemetery. I don't
think of Dick being there. It's only been two months since he died
and I still expect him to come through the door at night and give me
a hug and kiss and tell me about all the crazy people he saw today.
I want to think of him out hunting in the woods or fishing on the
bank; not in the ground. She [mother-in-law] makes me feel like I
don't care. Am I bad to feel this way? She and I are not grieving
the same way and maybe I'm not doing it right?
Doing it “right”? Is she “bad”? Barbie has already lost her husband
and now she is being made to think of herself as “bad” and that
somehow there is a “right” or “wrong” way to grieve? Grrrrrrr……my
“slow boil” begins.
We next hear from Jesse in Wisconsin:
“My mother-in-law is giving me grief once again. I
had taken my husband off of life support, which was the hardest
thing for me to do. The last week that I had with him was the
hardest week ever. I had to sit and listen to the doctors give no
hope and bad news every time a test result came in. It was just a
hopeless week. My mind was constantly on what was best for my
husband and not me and my kids. Sometimes I think she
[mother-in-law] forgets that I am a human and I had to sit there and
watch them take him off life support and watch him take his last
breath. Now she is bringing things up about the choice I made and
that doctors are not truthful and that I just let them [doctors] and
the choice I made murder my husband. I was 25 at the time of my
husband’s death, which was only 6 months ago. Now I have had our
third baby and she is just about 3 months old, I have a 6 yr old and
a 3 yr old and I am trying to hold it together”
My “slow boil” has now just become a combination of rage and foul
language; completely disbelieving what these beautiful ladies are
having to endure. Let’s assess…Jesse has a brand new baby, two
other little ones, has just lost her husband and is being made to
feel like a “murderer” because she made a medical choice on her
husband’s behalf.
Now I’m thinking, how can I let Barbie and Jesse know just how wrong
all of this is – and just how RIGHT they are!
Thank goodness for the WWS “Wonder Women” who quickly jumped in.
We first hear from Kathy in New Hampshire, who wrote:
“Tomorrow will be 4 years since I lost my husband
Joe. I can relate to Jesse who posted that her in-laws are
questioning her medical decisions regarding her husband. I went
through the same thing and began to wonder if another hospital or
doctor would have chanced the outcome. My in-laws took the medical
records and sent them to an attorney to see if there was any
malpractice which was not evident. They still hate the hospital and
the doctors. The events surrounding his passing will forever remain
a mystery to me however I feel that whatever choices I made may or
may not have ended up differently so I cannot continue to question
myself."
Patricia in Virginia wrote:
“I decided months ago to "run away" the week of [the
anniversary of] his death. I simply didn't want to be in my house or
around anything that might remind me of those last few days in
hospice. A few family members (why is it always family who are so
critical?) have made some unkind comments about my being on vacation
on the day of his death [anniversary]. You know what? They can think
what they want. As Carole always reminds us, it is about us and not
them. Each of us processes grief differently and I have chosen to
go away and sit on a beach in Florida. I have selected a location
where we never went and would probably never go as he was not much
of a beach person. There will be no unhappy reminders of "us" and
that is how I want it.”
And from Joyce in New Jersey:
My message is for Barbie from NY. I am so sorry for
your loss. Tomorrow is 1 month since Jim has died. I too want to
curl up and disappear so that the pain would stop but it never does.
I have learned from the message boards that the only way to grieve
is to do it in your own way and in your own time. Jim's father is
grieving so I will let him bury Jim's ashes in a cemetery with his
mother but I will never go to the cemetery. We honor our loved ones
memories in different ways and only we know what is best for us.
Do you know what the absolute worst part of all of this is? I know
that there are thousands….MILLIONS… more stories out there just like
this – women who have lost their husbands and on top of that loss;
on top of the grief; on top of the pain…they are being told (and
these are direct quotes from letters written directly to me):
“You’re not grieving right”.
“You killed him”.
“You haven’t been to the cemetery? Didn’t you love
him?”
“I’m ashamed that you were married to him”.
…and that’s just a very few examples.
Ladies, after the “boil”; after the raging, after the swearing and
after the tears of frustration that ANY of you are being treated
this way (because I do take it personally), I have just one word for
every single one of you:
ENOUGH!
We are
DONE!
We will no longer question our right to grieve, mourn and recover in
the ways that we see fit; nor will we allow anyone else to question
us. We are DONE with judgments cast upon us by people
who have NO right to judge – in fact, I don’t know of any human
being who has that right, do you? We are DONE with
the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” portion of the “program.” There is no
“right”. There is no “wrong”. There is only
YOU!
…and what you decide is right for you – is
right!
Let me leave you with some of the wisest words I’ve seen in quite
awhile:
“I cannot continue to question myself”.
---
Kathy in New Hampshire
“They can think what they want. As Carole
always reminds us, it is about us and not them”.
--- Patricia in Virginia
“We honor our loved ones’ memories in different ways
and only we know what is best for us.”
---
Joyce in New Jersey
To my family, to the entire Widows Wear Stilettos
team, to all members of the media with whom we have the privilege
and pleasure of working, to Barbie, Jesse, Kathy, Patricia, Joyce
and the millions more like them and most especially, to and to EVERY
SINGLE ONE of my Widows Wear Stilettos “Wonder Women”:
THANK YOU
Thank you for making our second year online not only an incredible
year of growth and success, but for your contributions of the heart
on the Message Boards, in emails to us and for your help in creating
such a fantastic community of caring and sharing. As the messages
of support help and hope continue to spread far and wide around the
world, do not EVER forget:
We are going
We are growing
We ARE Widows Wear Stilettos
and we WILL be heard.
Until next month – STAY STRONG!!
Carole
“PAIN: YOURS, MINE…AND ‘THEIRS’ ”
Hello my friends and Happy August!
I
begin this month’s message with brief excerpts from letters that I
have received from a few of our WWS “Wonder Women”. See if you can
relate to their writings:
-
All of my friends
deserted me and have been of no help. Everyone else seems to have
moved on with their lives.
-
Friends that knew us
as a couple no longer include me and [my] family is not
supportive. Everyone disappeared after the funeral. I just don't
trust anyone after all this.
-
“Once again, a really good friend doesn't get it. August 12th
would have been our 35th wedding anniversary and my husband died
on August 15, 2007. I finally decided [to] visit friends that week
and another friend said her family would join me. Then I get an
email from this friend, [asking] how "flexible" I am with the
[dates] because her family has other commitments! Let’s see - I
will move my anniversary date and the date of his death-- they
just don't get it!”
I’ll bet that more than a few of you are nodding along with these
sentiments. How strange and almost obscene it feels to watch others
go on about their lives with a seemingly undue haste – especially
when your life has come crashing down around your ears. How can
people BE so insensitive? How is it possible that everyone has
“already forgotten” him when he just died?????
Welcome to “Your Pain vs. The Rest of the World”.
Permit me to take you back in time to September, 1998. Mike’s
diagnosis of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) had just been confirmed by
one of the foremost neurological specialists in the United States.
Oh sure, he said all of the typical “uplifting” things…”we’re
going to fight this; we’re not giving up so don’t you give up”…but
no matter what the doctor said, or how cheerful a façade he tried to
put on - we both knew what that diagnosis meant:
My Michael – my husband, my best friend of almost 20 years and the
father of my child - was going to die.
After feeling like we had been hit in our stomachs with wooden
planks, we left the doctor’s office holding hands tightly – as if to
hold one another up. Slowly and silently, we walked outside; making
our way back to the car and not looking at one another; each lost in
thehazy hell that was our shock. I remember waiting for the signal
light to change and stopping to take a good look around me – and the
picture greeting me was one I will never forget. The sky was a
brilliant blue that day; the weather was absolutely perfect…one of
those typical Southern California days from which picture postcards
are made. There were people scurrying about the medical complex,
while others were sitting in courtyards enjoying a morning coffee
and conversation. Car horns were honking, signals lights were
changing…
…and I couldn’t absorb it.
How can life be continuing to go on in such a normal, mundane
fashion when our lives have just come to a complete standstill? How
can people be carrying on conversations and rushing to appointments
and yelling at the traffic when I have just been told that one of
the most wonderful human beings on the planet is going to lose his
life? Why hasn’t the world come to a halt – because our
world certainly did!
It wasn’t until much later – long after Mike passed away in fact -
that I realized that no one – absolutely NO ONE – was going to feel
the pain of Mike’s illness and his subsequent death in the same way
that I did. Why? Because there is only one widow, and I was
looking at her in the mirror every day. This is certainly not to
say that many others didn’t (and don’t) grieve Mike’s passing – it’s
just that no one is going to feel his loss in the same way.
Guys, I know how it feels to be “deserted” by those who once claimed
to be your good friends – or worse, those whom you considered to be
your family. I know the pain of watching others attend your
husband’s funeral and then go back to work or activities the
following day as if nothing happened – while you can’t even figure
out how to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and
you are left to pick up the completely shattered pieces of your life
and wonder how to move forward into a new life for which you didn’t
sign up and in which you aren’t especially interested.
Do I condone desertion by friends or family? NEVER.
Do I think that it’s acceptable for people to behave in a
“fair-weather” manner? Absolutely not. It’s despicable, it’s
hurtful and it’s not OK. However, I also realized that it was
unrealistic to expect everyone else –or anyone else – to mourn in
the same way that I did. People are going to “go home and go on”
with their lives after your husband’s death – it’s to be expected
and it’s not unreasonable. However, If people also chose to desert
me and my young child (and they did!)…so be it. In that process, I
discovered the depths of their integrity and character (or lack
thereof) and I instead chose to surround myself with the people who
did not desert, “cut and run” or otherwise behave as though once the
funeral was over, that it was “back to life as usual”. These were
the people who were happy to sit with me, cry with me, reminisce
with me, have a meal with me and slowly but surely help me begin to
move forward into that new life.
The people who chose to leave your life along with your husband’s
passing are the ones who have lost out – not you. They have lost
out on your friendship and the opportunity to be the kind,
supportive and positive people in your life that you deserve. Quit
wasting time and energy on these people – they won’t change and
neither will the circumstances. Surround yourself instead with the
people who WANT to be there for you – and everyone has at least ONE
of those! Can’t find one? How about THOUSANDS???? They are all
right here on the Message Boards at Widows Wear Stilettos and
believe me, every single one of the thousands of WWS
“Wonder Women” care about YOU – as do I!!!!
Until next month – STAY STRONG!!
Carole
“THESE DREAMS”
Hello my friends and Happy July!
“These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away.”
-from the song, “These Dreams”
by Heart, 1985
I
recently received a letter from a WWS member that related in part:
“Everyone tells me that
I’m going to have a dream about my husband and then I’ll feel
better. I’ve also seen letters
[on the WWS message
boards]
from other widows who have had dreams about their husband. But I
haven’t dreamed about my husband yet. What’s wrong with me? And
what happens if I don’t dream about him – does it mean that I really
don’t miss him? Because I really do”.
Dreams
We
all have them. Some dreams are the “good” dreams that rock us
gently in our sleep and others are the worrisome dreams that invade
our attempts to sleep at all. These “nighttime dramas” – or lack
thereof - are the subject of so many of the letters that I receive,
that the time has arrived time to talk about them.
Do
you feel like the author of this letter? Are you comparing your
dreams to the dreams of others? Are you worrying about dreams that
you’re having – or NOT having – about your husband? Let’s see how
we can put those worries to rest by looking at this another way (my
favorite phrase!).
Since the age of seven years (literally), my daughter has dreamed of
a career in fashion. This is all she’s ever cared about and the
only career goal that she has ever had. In fact, we still have her
very rudimentary “designs” and “creations” from that age – and it’s
the career in which she is now engaged quite successfully. On the
other hand, my interest in fashion, while admittedly obsessive and
extreme, nonetheless consists basically of trying on clothes and
shoes to see what fits and carrying shopping bags to my car. I
don’t want to design it, I certainly don’t want to have to assemble
it (because I have the attention span of a gnat) … I just want it to
“magically” appear before me, fit perfectly and make me look
fantastic. Does this then mean that because our dreams are
completely different, that someone’s dreams are “wrong”? Of course
not. The same thought processes apply here.
Naturally, we know that there is nothing wrong with
our friend who wrote this letter. Furthermore, if she never once
dreams about her late husband, it certainly does not mean that she
isn’t grieving or that she doesn’t miss him. It simply means that
her subconscious is dealing in its own way, in its own time. What
did I advise our friend? I told her to stop comparing her dreams
and her way of coping (even in her sleep) to other widows; that she
is unique and so are her dreams…conscious and otherwise!
Have I dreamed about my late husband? Yes, I have; many times – and
yes, those dreams have brought me comfort throughout the years of my
widowhood. The most comforting thing about those dreams for me is
that in them, he is whole, he is healthy and he is happy – he is not
the man whose body was slowly and torturously ravaged by one of the
most hideous illnesses on the face of the earth. I like to think
that he’s occasionally dropping in to see how things are going and
to make sure that we are doing well.
Everyone dreams differently; both awake and asleep. As with
everything else in your grief process and recovery and just as you
wouldn’t compare your daytime dreams to someone else, PLEASE don’t
compare your nighttime dreams – whatever they are - to the dreams
of another widow. You are YOU. What happens if you don’t dream
about your husband? Nothing bad, I promise! There’s nothing wrong
with you and it certainly doesn’t mean that you aren’t grieving or
haven’t properly grieved. It simply means that you are DIFFERENT –
and it’s OK to be different
(…in
fact, I rather pride myself on being different!).
Rather than waiting for the magical “dream” (ala Bobby Ewing in the
shower), instead rest comfortably in the love that you and your
husband had for one another; a love that will never die. That was
in fact a dream come TRUE – and a dream that many in this world
never realize. Wrap yourself in the comfort of warm memories while
progressing in YOUR way and in YOUR time through your healing
journey.
And
sleep well !!!
Until next month – STAY STRONG!
Carole
June 2008
Why Time ALONE Doesn't "Heal All Wounds". . .and
What Does!
Hello my friends and Happy June!
How
many times have you heard the well-worn phrase:
“TIME
HEALS ALL WOUNDS”
How
many people have said this to you since the loss of your husband?
And upon hearing it, how many times have you wanted to scream out
loud:
WHEN?
WHEN is time
going to heal what are possibly the deepest wounds that you have
ever had to endure; the deeply-embedded wounds of grief. WHEN
does the pain go away? WHEN oh
WHEN
does time indeed “heal all wounds”?
I
have news for you, both bad…and good. First, the “bad news”:
TIME
ALONE CANNOT, DOES NOT
AND WILL NOT “HEAL ALL WOUNDS”
Don’t get discouraged on me – remember, I said that there was bad
news and good news as well.
When a surgeon performs surgery, does he make an incision, conduct
the operation and then simply walk away at the conclusion of
surgery, saying, “time will heal this wound”. Of course not - that
scenario sounds pretty silly doesn’t it? We know that the surgeon
will take great care to close the incision with a number of
different tools. They dress the wound carefully and they check on
the healing process regularly. Eventually, with proper tending,
care…and TIME, the wound does heal – usually leaving some kind of a
scar.
Now
let’s look at your grief like a surgical incision. Are you truly
waiting for “time to heal”? Are you waking up every day, thinking,
“well, time has passed and everyone is telling me that time heals
all wounds, but I don’t feel ‘healed’ – what’s the matter with me?“
If
in fact you are simply waiting for time to heal your wounds - the
only thing that you are going to accomplish is a whole bunch of
waiting. Just because it isn’t a physical wound does NOT mean that
it’s not a wound all the same – and time alone cannot
be the only factor in helping the healing process of your grief.
Just like a surgeon:
YOU
NEED TOOLS TOO!
You
need to get your hands on every single grief-recovery tool that you
can – which brings us to the “good news” part. Even though there
aren’t yet many tools specific to the young widow (and Widows
Wear Stilettos is working hard to change that!), there are still
“tools” available that can help to educate you, comfort you and
EMPOWER you. Instead of feeling as though you have no control over
your healing journey, there are tools out there
that will help you take control of your healing journey.
So
what tools have you gathered to help you on your healing journey?
Have you used “tools” of any kind…books, magazine articles, audio
aids, teleseminars (such as the free teleseminars that Widows
Wear Stilettos has offered), counseling – tools that will get
you moving toward healing? If your answer is “no”, then you are
that patient laying on the operating table with a wide-open
wound…that time alone is not capable of healing!
Commit to surrounding yourself with the “tools” that you need to
create the healing that time does eventually bring. Get your
questions answered; see your feelings addressed and start caring
properly for your grief; that horrible “wound” that you have
sustained. You may want to start by visiting the “The CD” page of
this website - so many of your questions, thoughts, feelings and
experiences are addressed on our very own, “Widows Wear
Stilettos: What Now?” CD. Sign up for and participate
in the free teleseminars that Widows Wear Stilettos
periodically offers; go to bookstores (online or in –person),
research “grief helper” books that are going to best assist you…and
then read them! Go to your local library and
find out what they have on hand in the way of grief assistance. And
as always, if you feel that you need professional help –
GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! There is absolutely no shame in
it and it can be a powerful TOOL in helping you heal.
When you have the right tools in your arsenal; when you tend to and
take care of that wound that will eventually turn into a “life
scar”; …it will be then that time helps that
wound – and YOU – heal.
Until next month – STAY STRONG!
Carole
“YES… IT IS ‘OK’ ”
Hello my friends and Happy May!
What a genuine thrill it was to be able to spend time with literally
hundreds of you during our live teleseminars in April. Not only did
I get the chance to visit with you, all of you had opportunities to
visit with one another – and what great questions you had for me!
For my part, I could have easily spent two hours on each of those
teleseminars just visiting with all of you. It was a great success
and the feedback that we have received has been fantastic. In
answer to the question, “when are you doing it again”, I am hoping
to do this once a calendar quarter; depending on scheduling.
Onto our regularly scheduled newsletter:
I
have found that sometimes, to continue moving forward with our
healing journeys and into a new life’s journey; full of promise and
potential…we actually need “permission” to do so. In other words,
we need to know – and hear – that:
IT’S
OK!
Now
you may be thinking (and rightfully so), “Carole, I’m a full grown
adult who has dealt with one of the most horrible challenges that I
know I’ll ever face. What on EARTH do I need ‘permission’ to do?”
Well, judging by the letters that I receive and the number of times
those letters begin with, “Is it OK to…”, there’s a lot of things
for which we are seeking permission or affirmation or reassurance of
some sort that:
IT’S
OK!
Let’s look at some of the most common “Is it OK to…” questions; some
of which may have gone through your mind at some point in time:
IS IT
OK TO:
-
Keep wearing my
wedding rings (on either hand)
-
Take my wedding rings
off
-
Be referred to as “Mrs”.
-
Be referred to as
“Ms.”
-
Go back to work
-
Stay home from work
(i.e., retire, choose to be a stay-at-home mom, etc).
-
Take a vacation with
girlfriends
-
Take a vacation alone
-
Socialize again
-
Go out by myself (to
somewhere OTHER than work or the grocery store)
-
Seek companionship
-
Date again
-
Fall in love again
-
Remarry
-
Choose not to remarry
-
Sell the house
-
Stay in the house
The
answer to all of it…and more… is:
IT’S
OK!
…and that’s coming to you from a widow; who at one time went looking
for “permission” herself!
Now, one of the most common reasons that this question is getting
asked over and over and over again by so many of you is because some
of you out there (OK, a whole LOT of you out there) may be
surrounded by people who are causing you to doubt either your
judgment or your instincts. Perhaps you have been told outright by
some of these people that it’s NOT OK…whatever “it”
happens to be. Maybe your in-laws can’t handle you dating again or
selling the house that you shared with your husband. Perhaps
friends or work colleagues don’t think you should be laughing or
socializing “yet” – or ever again! Still others might have told you
things like, “you’re not ‘married’ anymore; you shouldn’t be wearing
your rings” or “you’re not a ‘Mrs’ anymore”.
Really? Interesting…
Generally not widowed, these are the people who are causing you to
seek “permission” of some kind. The result? You go looking for
assurance that you have the right to sell or keep your house; wear
or remove your rings; laugh again; love again, or generally
participate in life again. Worse, these people can cause you to
seek out reassurance regarding some of the most
personal areas of your life (for example, dating / loving /
remarriage does NOT equal cheating on your late husband). And what
happens if you’re seeking “permission” from the “wrong” people?
Because important life lessons bear repeating, I will again remind
you that there is only one widow in your particular
dynamic:
YOU!
You
are the widow; therefore, you are in charge of YOU! You do
NOT have to seek permission, approval,
assurance or reassurance from ANYONE. As long
as you are not dealing with your loss in a destructive manner, and
as long as you are seeing to the responsibilities that you have on a
day-to-day basis (taking care of you children, bill-paying, going to
work, etc), you answer to one person. Go have a look in the mirror
– that’s the person to whom you are accountable.
Now
that you know that the answer to whatever question you have is,
“it’s OK”, the time to take charge is now. You are now going to
give yourself “permission” to do that which you wish to do. Go
s-l-o-w-l-y – don’t make decisions in haste, out of spite or as a
reaction to what it is that you’ve been
through…but remember, the fact that you are still here means that
you also have one very important and basic entitlement - to LIVE!
Go
ahead – IT’S OK!!
Until next month – STAY STRONG!
Carole
Hello my friends and Happy April!
Age.
It’s only a number – but it certainly does affect us, doesn’t it?
For much of my life, and as many of you will recall from your own
growing-up experiences, my primary goal was to get to the “next
number” on the ladder of life. I remember being about ten years old
and all I wanted to be was 12 years old, because that meant the
“adulthood” of middle school – changing classes, changing for gym
class, having a locker and wearing “hose ‘n heels” to school all
seemed very sophisticated to me. Then of course, turning 13 years
of age was a huge deal – that meant a Bat Mitzvah (and one
incredible party to go with it!). The thank you notes were barely
written when I began itching to turn 16 – that meant a drivers
license (which is “code” for FREEDOM); a Sweet Sixteen party, being
allowed to go on what we called “car dates”…I couldn’t WAIT! Once
the novelty of being 16 years old wore off (after about a month), 18
years couldn’t come soon enough – graduation, moving out on my own….YEEEEHAAAAAAH!
Alice Cooper sang, “I'm eighteen and I
LIKE IT”…and I believed him! Eighteen meant that I was an adult and
I SO eager to take a great big bite out of life.
Until of course, it was time to turn the “magical” age of 21.
Enough said there.
We have all spent a lot of our lives trying to get to that “next
number” – a number that was synonymous with a new liberty or
independence of some kind and with dreams of one sort or another
coming true. It was like crossing an exciting new finish line over
and over and over again.
And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere and after years of wanting
to be “old enough”, we start to wonder if we’re “too old”. Now I
freely admit that there are now some things for which I am
definitely “beyond ‘the age’ “. I’m not inclined to wear anything
involving the words “empire waist” or “baby doll” – and I’m skipping
the whole “shiny leggings” trend while we’re on the subject. My
“dancing till dawn” days have quietly become “dinner and a movie by
ten” days and I envy my daughter her seemingly never-ending energy
and the ability to do double-back handsprings (both once a part of
my youth too).
However, the happy fact is that as a society, we are staying younger
longer. Thanks to an increased awareness in taking care of our
health with diet and exercise and the modern technology taking place
at our department store cosmetic counters, we are in fact staying
younger longer; both in physical appearance and in attitude.
Regardless of age, we are going to the gym, ardently pursuing our
passions (be they hang gliding or horseback riding) and living an
active and fulfilling life well into later years. Just one look at
television reruns from the 1950’s and 1960’s demonstrates that women
in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond in that era are very
different from those of us in these age groups today.
Perhaps it’s for these reasons that I’m somewhat puzzled when I see
the question:
“AM I ‘TOO OLD’ TO BE A YOUNG WIDOW?”
It may be a surprise to you to learn that this is one of the most
commonly asked questions that we receive. Women from all over the
world are asking if they are “too old” to be considered a young
widow – as if there is a “cut-off” point, or as one of our wonderful
WWS members recently asked, “I keep wondering if there is some sort
of dividing line between young and old?”
I
answered this very question last month in the “Dear Carole” column,
and I believe the answer to be important enough to repeat once again
here; if for no other reason than the question is so very common and
every single member and visitor to WWS needs to see
the answer:
“I do talk about this on the CD because it is such a common question
and / or observation….”Am I too old?”.
As I believe with all of my heart, there is no such thing as “too
old” here. Many have heard me teach that there is no such thing as
“qualifying” for young widowhood…it’s not like qualifying for a home
loan and it’s not like qualifying for the Olympics. If you find
what you are seeking here – whether it’s support, education, advice,
community, making friends with others who understand or just the
simple realization that you are not all alone – then you belong
here!
Yes, most of the issues that we address have to do with issues that
younger widows commonly face – raising babies, young children and
adolescent children alone; re-entering the workplace; the feelings
of being marginalized (since most young widows’ contemporaries are
either married or “happy singles”), etc. – the simple fact is that
there is little support out there for the younger widow and it is
the most isolating, lonely feeling in the world…especially when
people look at you oddly when you tell them you’re a widow.
However, and regardless of age, every single one of us who
are widowed also have to deal with things such as financial
issues, dating and / or companionship issues, familial conflicts,
the people around us and so forth. These issues know no age
“boundaries”. WWS is happy to boast a membership and what we call a
“family of support” that ranges in age from 17 years (yes, we do
have 17 year old widows) all the way up to 85 years young… and
without exception, every single one of these WWS “Wonder Women” have
found something here that helped them!
And so my friend, we welcome you with open arms, open ears and open
hearts…and I promise that NO ONE cares about the birthdate on your
drivers’ license!
And just to give you a smile, let me finish with an excerpt from one
of my very favorite letters that I received about a year and a half
ago:
“I found this website after seeing a story about you and I’m so
happy that I did. I am a widow who tried support groups and hated
them…they were all full of old stodgy people who didn’t want to live
anymore. I feel like I finally found a place where I belong and
where people will understand me. I don’t care that I am 85 years
old and have 6 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren…I feel young
inside and this [Widows Wear Stilettos] is the only place that I
feel like I belong”.
Guys, I cannot say this strongly enough. Whether you visit the
website, see me speak somewhere, listen to the CD, meet new friends
here or read the book once released and you get whatever it is that
you are looking for – YOU CLEARLY BELONG AT WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS!
There are no “dividing lines”. We do not distinguish between
“young” and “old”- who has the right to do that anyway? We only
care about the help, education and support that you NEED; not how
many candles are glowing on your birthday cake this year.
So if you have even once questioned as to whether or not you
“belong” here because of your age – STOP RIGHT NOW! Quit
worrying about whether you are “qualified” to be in a place that
brings you comfort and peace. If you are currently suffering or
have suffered the loss of a spouse – you are “qualified” to be a
part of Widows Wear Stilettos – and every single one of us at
WWS as well as all 60,000-plus members of WWS welcome you with love.
Until next month – STAY STRONG!
Carole
March, 2008: “LOOKING, LEARNING, LOOKING AGAIN…THEN
LEAPING”
Hello my
friends and Happy March!
In our daily
lives, there are lots of things that need “replacing” on a regular
basis. For instance, when a light bulb goes out in my house, I run
to the garage to get a new one. When the batteries in my stationary
bike run down (those are essential to see the timer so I can gauge
how much longer I have to stay on the thing!), I run to the junk
drawer and sift through the old pizza coupons and the little ketchup
and soy sauce packets to replace them (don’t laugh, you have this
stuff in your junk drawer too, admit it!). A filling cracks in my
tooth and it means an emergency trip to the dentist to get it
replaced (swearing all the way!). Credit cards get lost or stolen
and a replacement card is in your hand within 48 hours (thanks
American Express!). Yes, “replacing” goes on every single day and
let’s face it, it’s pretty easy to do.
But what
happens when what needs “replacing”…is him?
The simple and
seemingly obvious answer of course - is that you can’t
“replace” your husband. Both as a human being and one-half of the
unit that was “Mr. and Mrs. The Two-Of -You”, and along with the
life that you led together and as a family, your husband is
completely and totally irreplaceable.
Too often
though, the widowed are trying to do just that - they are trying to
“replace” the spouse that they lost with a new person. The pain of
being alone; of having been “left behind to pick up the pieces” of a
shattered life is overwhelming – sometimes to the point that it even
hurts physically. Facing each long day – and every lonely night –
can become almost unbearable. So in order to perhaps mask (or avoid
altogether) the pain of being alone, some who are widowed will
attempt to “replace” their spouse with someone new in their lives –
and they will do so far too soon.
I remember back
a few years to Kendall’s first formal dance; which was about four
years after Mike’s death. It was a Saturday night and prior to the
dance, a group of Kendall’s close friends met at our home to be
picked up by the limousine to go to dinner. What a great scene –
Kendall, her date and 3 other couples posing for pictures and
rolling their eyes in embarrassment at the antics of their parents;
all of us jostling for position to take pictures as if it were a red
carpet premiere and we were one collective Steven Spielberg.
Afterward, all the kids piled into the limousine and we parents
stood waiving as the car disappeared down the hill. Then each group
of parents thanked me for my hospitality, left two by two in their
cars and also disappeared down the hill to continue with their
Saturday evening plans.
And I was left
standing on the sidewalk by myself.
Morosely, I
turned to go back into the house – all alone. With no one to share
the moment of seeing my daughter off to her first formal dance
(because it IS a moment for a parent too), I went into the kitchen,
poured myself a glass of wine, turned on my “poor me” music, went
out onto my patio, sat down, gazed out into the distance…and
sobbed.
My friends, I
know the pain of being alone. I know the pain of the “immediate”
grief and I know the pain that shows up years later when you
continue to find yourself alone. However, I will always
choose being alone to being with the “wrong” person – every single
time.
Write this
down:
Being alone is
difficult.
Being with the
“wrong” person…is so much worse.
I receive a
great many letters from women who, after sharing the story of the
loss of their husband, go on to tell me about a “new man” in their
lives – and generally, it’s someone who they met fairly soon after
their husband’s death. He “fixes things” around the house, he takes
care of the “car stuff”, he’s “nice to me”…the list goes on and on.
Inevitably, the letter will end with words to the effect of, “but
he’s still not my husband” or “he’s not the man I thought he
was” or “he’s not right for me”.
You know why?
BECAUSE YOU
CAN’T “REPLACE” YOUR HUSBAND!
Now as most of
you know, I am the first one to loudly teach, preach, proclaim,
coach and advocate that not only are every single one of us still
“here”, but that we are also entitled to a life of abundance and
happiness – and that life absolutely includes companionship and yes,
love as well. But to get to that point where you are able to truly
invite love into your life and treat that new love like the
individual he is, you have to first be able to see a potential
companion as that individual on his own and NOT as a “replacement”
for your late spouse. To do that takes time - and there is no
getting around it.
Part of that
time that you need to take is spent recovering from the experience
that was losing your husband – and not just grieving. Remember that
“recovery” includes things like sorting out affairs (financial and
otherwise), resuming work or returning to the workplace and helping
your children grieve. Another part of that time is getting to know
who you are as an individual, on your
own, because you are NOT the same person as you were before the loss
of your husband. Then there is the actual “grief part”, spent just
feeling SAD. Without question, that’s the hardest part of all.
As you can see,
while there is certainly a time to invite and welcome companionship
into your life, you MUST take time with you FIRST. You will never
ever be able to “replace” your husband – but given
time to adequately recover, coming to the realization that
“comparison shopping” for a “replacement” is unrealistic and that if
you are patient with YOU, you can once again be happy and
fulfilled…the possibilities are out there for you.
And so my
friends, I encourage you to:
1.
Look
before you leap;
2.
Learn
learn learn…by visiting every part of this site regularly; learning
from one another; reading books; getting your hands on every single
educational tool that you can to help you face and conquer your
grief (the “Widows Wear Stilettos: What Now?” CD is a great start)
and continuing to surround yourself with support;
3.
Look
one more time;
4.
Leap
forward into life…it’s waiting for you!
Until next
month…STAY STRONG
Carole
P.S. Over the
land and across the sea, Happy Birthday UK from Kendall and me –
with lots of love!
“SCULPTING” YOUR LIFE
Hello my
friends and Happy February!
I begin this
month’s Newsletter with a sincere thank you from the bottom of a
very grateful heart for the literally hundreds
of letters of support that I received in response to last month’s
Newsletter. It is through your grace, your generosity and your
support that I am happily reminded that the negative opinions of
others mean absolutely nothing compared to the strength of all of
you and the strength of Widows Wear Stilettos. May we all
learn and hold onto that lesson – and continue to grow past the
ignorance of others.
Back to our
regularly scheduled Monthly Newsletter…
You are
invited to take a trip with me back in time…back to a time when
acid-wash denim was everywhere, shoulder-pads could potentially
double as bedroom pillows; our hair defied gravity (with the help of
a whole lot of hair product!) and “hair band” music ruled the
airwaves:
The date: February 14, 1989.
The scene: A prenatal
appointment
Carole’s look: Can only be
described as “balloon-iferous”.
You know all
those adorable pregnant women with the adorable “baby bumps” and the
adorable maternity clothes and the shiny hair and the glowing skin
and bright smiles and are just filled with “adorable-ness”?
I was
not one of them.
Due to a
rather “remarkable” personal physical history, I was indeed
fortunate to have been able to get pregnant in the first place -
however, I was also in maternity clothes within my first two weeks
of pregnancy. Glowing? HAH! My skin was broken out for the first
time since I was a teenager. Shiny hair? Please - try hair oily
enough to solve our current gasoline woes. Full of energy and
life? I had absolutely zero energy for anything – I was President
of the Laying Down Society.
By the fifth
month of pregnancy, I had gained 42 of what would eventually become
a total of 84 lbs gained – the Oompa Loompas had nothing on
me. I believe that even my fingernails looked pregnant. It was on
Valentine’s Day in 1989 that I had my regular pre-natal visit. The
scale revealed a number that I had never seen before (or since) –
and I had another four months to go! I fell apart sobbing. Why oh
WHY couldn’t I be one of those beautiful, adorable, glowing
“perfect” baby-bump pregnant women? And because I am a “girl” after
all, the eternal question burned…what on EARTH was I going to look
like after I gave birth? Oh how I cried on that day.
Finally, and
after carrying on like this at length to anyone who would listen, it
was my best friend of 25 years who bravely helped me to see reason
(yes, bravely…would YOU want to have to reason with a pregnant woman
who was the size of Massachusetts; growing larger by the hour and on
hormone overload to boot?). She took the time to sweetly and
rationally counsel me as follows:
“In the
first place, you were never supposed to be able to get pregnant –
and you did. That’s a miracle! You’re going to have a healthy
happy baby that will change your life forever; do you get what a
gift that is? In the second place, once that baby is here and
you’re feeling better, you can totally resculpt your body if you
want to. You can be even better than you were before. Maybe your
body will never be exactly the same – but you’re going to have a
beautiful baby! Look at everything else as an opportunity – like a
“blank canvas” that you can paint however you want!”
(I think she
may have also called me an idiot, but after 25 years of friendship
and my behavior, she was entitled).
Guys, I have
never forgotten those wise words…
“A blank canvas
that you can paint however you want”
As a young
widow, you too have been presented with a “blank canvas”.
Unfortunately, it is not the same as recovery from giving birth;
rather it’s recovery from experiencing death – the death of not only
your husband, but also the life that you knew with him. You have
been catapulted into a new life that you did not ask for - and that
new life now sits before you…completely blank.
I know – it’s
really scary, isn’t it?
Is it a
“canvas” that you sought or expected? Absolutely not. Nonetheless,
it is now your reality. So my question to you this month is:
What are you going
to do with YOUR blank canvas?
As my dear
friend so cleverly pointed out, your life is never going to be the
same. But that does NOT mean that | 
