“WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS”

MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

 

 

August, 2008:

 

“PAIN:  YOURS, MINE…AND ‘THEIRS’ ”

 

Hello my friends and Happy August!

 

 

I begin this month’s message with brief excerpts from letters that I have received from a few of our WWS “Wonder Women”.  See if you can relate to their writings:

  • All of my friends deserted me and have been of no help. Everyone else seems to have moved on with their lives.

  • Friends that knew us as a couple no longer include me and [my] family is not supportive. Everyone disappeared after the funeral. I just don't trust anyone after all this.

  • “Once again, a really good friend doesn't get it.  August 12th would have been our 35th wedding anniversary and my husband died on August 15, 2007. I finally decided [to] visit friends that week and another friend said her family would join me. Then I get an email from this friend, [asking] how "flexible" I am with the [dates] because her family has other commitments! Let’s see - I will move my anniversary date and the date of his death-- they just don't get it!”

I’ll bet that more than a few of you are nodding along with these sentiments.  How strange and almost obscene it feels to watch others go on about their lives with a seemingly undue haste – especially when your life has come crashing down around your ears.  How can people BE so insensitive?  How is it possible that everyone has “already forgotten” him when he just died?????

Welcome to “Your Pain vs. The Rest of the World”.

Permit me to take you back in time to September, 1998.  Mike’s diagnosis of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) had just been confirmed by one of the foremost neurological specialists in the United States.  Oh sure, he said all of the typical “uplifting” things…”we’re going to fight this; we’re not giving up so don’t you give up”…but no matter what the doctor said, or how cheerful a façade he tried to put on - we both knew what that diagnosis meant:

My Michael – my husband, my best friend of almost 20 years and the father of my child - was going to die.

After feeling like we had been hit in our stomachs with wooden planks, we left the doctor’s office holding hands tightly – as if to hold one another up.  Slowly and silently, we walked outside; making our way back to the car and not looking at one another; each lost in thehazy hell that was our shock.  I remember waiting for the signal light to change and stopping to take a good look around me – and the picture greeting me was one I will never forget.  The sky was a brilliant blue that day; the weather was absolutely perfect…one of those typical Southern California days from which picture postcards are made.  There were people scurrying about the medical complex, while others were sitting in courtyards enjoying a morning coffee and conversation.  Car horns were honking, signals lights were changing…

…and I couldn’t absorb it.

How can life be continuing to go on in such a normal, mundane fashion when our lives have just come to a complete standstill?  How can people be carrying on conversations and rushing to appointments and yelling at the traffic when I have just been told that one of the most wonderful human beings on the planet is going to lose his life?  Why hasn’t the world come to a halt – because our world certainly did!

It wasn’t until much later – long after Mike passed away in fact - that I realized that no one – absolutely NO ONE – was going to feel the pain of Mike’s illness and his subsequent death in the same way that I did.  Why?  Because there is only one widow, and I was looking at her in the mirror every day.  This is certainly not to say that many others didn’t (and don’t) grieve Mike’s passing – it’s just that no one is going to feel his loss in the same way.

Guys, I know how it feels to be “deserted” by those who once claimed to be your good friends – or worse, those whom you considered to be your family.  I know the pain of watching others attend your husband’s funeral and then go back to work or activities the following day as if nothing happened – while you can’t even figure out how to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and you are left to pick up the completely shattered pieces of your life and wonder how to move forward into a new life for which you didn’t sign up and in which you aren’t especially interested.

 Do I condone desertion by friends or family?  NEVER.  Do I think that it’s acceptable for people to behave in a “fair-weather” manner?  Absolutely not.  It’s despicable, it’s hurtful and it’s not OK.  However, I also realized that it was unrealistic to expect everyone else –or anyone else – to mourn in the same way that I did.   People are going to “go home and go on” with their lives after your husband’s death – it’s to be expected and it’s not unreasonable.  However, If people also chose to desert me and my young child (and they did!)…so be it.  In that process, I discovered the depths of their integrity and character (or lack thereof) and I instead chose to surround myself with the people who did not desert, “cut and run” or otherwise behave as though once the funeral was over, that it was “back to life as usual”.  These were the people who were happy to sit with me, cry with me, reminisce with me, have a meal with me and slowly but surely help me begin to move forward into that new life. 

The people who chose to leave your life along with your husband’s passing are the ones who have lost out – not you.  They have lost out on your friendship and the opportunity to be the kind, supportive and positive people in your life that you deserve.  Quit wasting time and energy on these people – they won’t change and neither will the circumstances.   Surround yourself instead with the people who WANT to be there for you – and everyone has at least ONE of those!  Can’t find one?  How about THOUSANDS????  They are all right here on the Message Boards at Widows Wear Stilettos and believe me, every single one of the thousands of WWS “Wonder Women” care about YOU – as do I!!!!

 Until next month – STAY STRONG!!

 Carole

WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS Book is now available for Pre-ordering.  Please visit "WWS Products and Services" for details.

 

WWS MESSAGE BOARDS ARE A HUGE HIT!

Our wonderful production company, Penguins 51, has informed us that the activity on the Message Boards has TRIPLED in the last few months – we are going and growing; we are reaching so many in need and our mission of hope and healing continues to spread around the world!

Because of the rapid increase in visitors to the Message Boards, and so that everyone has ample opportunity to participate, the production company has found it necessary to archive posts on a monthly basis, rather than a quarterly basis.  We do want to encourage you to continue to visit the archives to read stories and get suggestions from those who are just like you!  And don’t forget to reach out – the number of friendships that have formed as a result of the Message Boards are countless  - be a part of it!  There’s a huge amount of comfort to be gained from talking and sharing with those who know exactly what you’re going through…you have dozens of new friends just waiting to meet you right here at WWS!  Visit the “Message Board” page soon!

WWS “MEDIA GROUP”

Wondering how those fabulous WWS “Wonder Women were selected for interviews by the media?  They are members of the WWS Media Group; consisting of volunteers who are willing to be interviewed by the media about their experiences as a widow and their experiences at WWS.  This has consistently proven to be a wonderful way to reach thousands of people in need, who would not have otherwise found us – and just look at what has been accomplished so far!

If you would like to be considered as a candidate for future interviews (which can consist of anything from a local newspaper story to a national television show), please provide the following information to carole@widowswearstilettos.com and specify “Interview Volunteer” in the subject line:

Name

Full Street Address

Telephone number (please include your area code)

Valid email address

Age

(we’re really not being nosy about your age, but journalists, reporters,

producers and show hosts will ask)

Please be aware that your personal information will NEVER be given to the media before we have contacted you directly with further information and instructions. 

We thank all of you so much!

NOTE:  For those of you for whom it is simply too difficult to discuss your widowhood journey, we have the utmost respect for your feelings and for your privacy.  We will never ask or impose upon anyone to do anything that would cause additional pain or otherwise make you uncomfortable.   We appreciate you and will continue to be here for you.

 

YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS NEEDED!

 At this time, the WWS website does not automatically “capture” or otherwise “register” the thousands of visitors to the site.  Therefore, we need YOU to help us by providing us with your email address so that we can keep you up-to-date on everything that’s happening at WWS.  We assure you that due to our very strict privacy policies, your address will never be sold or otherwise given to any other parties (even if you ask us to!).  You can either post your email address on the Message Board (if you wish to be in contact with other members of the site) or if you wish to remain confidential, please forward your email address to Carole@widowswearstilettos.com   IMPORTANT NOTE:  Do not EVER include your full name, home address, telephone number or any personal identifying information on the Message Boards.  This is for your safety.  If WWS or its production company, Penguins 51 sees any personal identifying information on the Message Boards, it will be immediately removed.

 

ENDORSEMENTS BY WWS

Remember, all organizations, products, services or websites that are endorsed or promoted by WWS appear either on the Tips of the Month page OR on the Media and Personal Appearances page.  All of these organizations, products, services and / or websites have been carefully reviewed and approved by WWS prior to endorsement and NO organization, product, service or website will EVER be advertised or otherwise promoted on the Message Boards. Further, the tips, resources, websites, endorsements and recommendations offered are based on research conducted by Widows Wear Stilettos and / or personal experience.  These recommendations are made for the sole purpose of offering assistance and suggestions to our members and visitors to the site.  Widows Wear Stilettos, its production company, Penguins 51 and / or their employees or assigns DO NOT receive ANY remuneration whatsoever for any resource endorsement or recommendations made.

NEVER click on any link that you see on the Message Board as the chances are excellent that it is spam.  Although our amazing production company monitors the boards virtually 24 hours a day, seven days a week, sometimes spam hits before they have a chance to remove it.  If you ever have a question concerning an organization, product, service or website that you see on WWS, please feel free to address your question to us at Carole@widowswearstilettos.com

UNWELCOME MESSAGE BOARD POSTS AND EMAILS

Technology is a fantastic thing – but along with the fantastic comes the frustrating. 

We have received reports of “spam” letters containing monetary solicitation that either appear to have come from this site or contain our site name in the body of the email.  Unfortunately, if you have an email address anywhere on the Internet, you are a target for such letters.  Though it rarely happens (because spammers don’t want to give themselves away), our name has popped up in these solicitation letters.  Please be advised that any and all email that is sent from WWS will always contain the name “Widows Wear Stilettos” or “WWS” somewhere in the subject line.  If you do not see our name in the subject line, the letter did not come from WWS. 

We have also noticed that in addition to the spam problems on the Message Board (which all websites encounter), there have been posts from gentlemen seeking “lonely widows looking for comfort” or similar verbiage.  We know that at best, this is extremely offensive and at worst, it’s very upsetting because that’s not why you (or any of us) are here.  While we think it’s wonderful that so many of you are meeting and forming friendships (which is a huge reason for the Message Boards), this is NOT a dating website or any other kind of “companionship seeking” website. 

Please rest assured that our production company is constantly monitoring the site and are on the lookout for inappropriate posts.  If you are contacted via email by anyone who is seeking money, a “lonely widow for companionship”, or if you receive ANY offensive communications as a result of participation on the Message Boards, PLEASE report it immediately to Carole@widowswearstilettos.com

Widows Wear Stilettos, its production company, Penguins 51 and their executives and employees regularly monitor the Message Boards.  ANY post deemed to be offensive, inflammatory, inappropriate or otherwise derogatory toward ANY party whomsoever will be immediately removed by the production company. 

 

Previous Monthly Newsletters

 

2008

 

  August - Pain:  Yours, Mine . . . and "Theirs"

  July - Dreams

  June - Why Time ALONE Doesn't "Heal All Wounds". . .and What Does!

  May - Yes, It IS OK

  April - Are You Too Old? . . . and Why the Answer is NO

  March - Looking, Learning, Looking Again . . . then Leaping"

  February - Sculpting Your Life

  January - Onward, Upward . . . and Forward

 

2007

  December - There's STILL Nothing Like Hope for the Holidays.

 November - The Most Hated and Misunderstood Word Is . . .

 October - Setbacks - and Comebacks

  September  - Turning Grief into Growth

  August  - Pain - And Peace

  July - The Brave Front

  June - "Losing" the Battle . . . and Winning the War

  May - Am I Crazy

  April - How Do You Do It?

  March - March-ing Forward

  February - Hearts, Healing and Hope

  January - It CAN be a Happy New Year

 

2006

  December - There's Nothing like HOPE for the Holidays

  November - You're Still Here

  October - Stay Strong

  September - Hello My Friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

This web site page was updated on:

Monday August 11, 2008

©  2006 by Carole Brody Fleet

©  "Widows Wear Stilettos" is protected by copywrite

All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized copying, downloading or reproducing any content from this web site

without written permission from www.widowswearstilettos.com is strictly prohibited.

 

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