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“WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS”
MONTHLY NEWSLETTER
August, 2008:
“PAIN: YOURS, MINE…AND ‘THEIRS’ ”
Hello my friends and Happy August!
I
begin this month’s message with brief excerpts from letters that I
have received from a few of our WWS “Wonder Women”. See if you can
relate to their writings:
-
All of my friends
deserted me and have been of no help. Everyone else seems to have
moved on with their lives.
-
Friends that knew us
as a couple no longer include me and [my] family is not
supportive. Everyone disappeared after the funeral. I just don't
trust anyone after all this.
-
“Once again, a really good friend doesn't get it. August 12th
would have been our 35th wedding anniversary and my husband died
on August 15, 2007. I finally decided [to] visit friends that week
and another friend said her family would join me. Then I get an
email from this friend, [asking] how "flexible" I am with the
[dates] because her family has other commitments! Let’s see - I
will move my anniversary date and the date of his death-- they
just don't get it!”
I’ll bet that more than a few of you are nodding along with these
sentiments. How strange and almost obscene it feels to watch others
go on about their lives with a seemingly undue haste – especially
when your life has come crashing down around your ears. How can
people BE so insensitive? How is it possible that everyone has
“already forgotten” him when he just died?????
Welcome to “Your Pain vs. The Rest of the World”.
Permit me to take you back in time to September, 1998. Mike’s
diagnosis of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) had just been confirmed by
one of the foremost neurological specialists in the United States.
Oh sure, he said all of the typical “uplifting” things…”we’re
going to fight this; we’re not giving up so don’t you give up”…but
no matter what the doctor said, or how cheerful a façade he tried to
put on - we both knew what that diagnosis meant:
My Michael – my husband, my best friend of almost 20 years and the
father of my child - was going to die.
After feeling like we had been hit in our stomachs with wooden
planks, we left the doctor’s office holding hands tightly – as if to
hold one another up. Slowly and silently, we walked outside; making
our way back to the car and not looking at one another; each lost in
thehazy hell that was our shock. I remember waiting for the signal
light to change and stopping to take a good look around me – and the
picture greeting me was one I will never forget. The sky was a
brilliant blue that day; the weather was absolutely perfect…one of
those typical Southern California days from which picture postcards
are made. There were people scurrying about the medical complex,
while others were sitting in courtyards enjoying a morning coffee
and conversation. Car horns were honking, signals lights were
changing…
…and I couldn’t absorb it.
How can life be continuing to go on in such a normal, mundane
fashion when our lives have just come to a complete standstill? How
can people be carrying on conversations and rushing to appointments
and yelling at the traffic when I have just been told that one of
the most wonderful human beings on the planet is going to lose his
life? Why hasn’t the world come to a halt – because our
world certainly did!
It wasn’t until much later – long after Mike passed away in fact -
that I realized that no one – absolutely NO ONE – was going to feel
the pain of Mike’s illness and his subsequent death in the same way
that I did. Why? Because there is only one widow, and I was
looking at her in the mirror every day. This is certainly not to
say that many others didn’t (and don’t) grieve Mike’s passing – it’s
just that no one is going to feel his loss in the same way.
Guys, I know how it feels to be “deserted” by those who once claimed
to be your good friends – or worse, those whom you considered to be
your family. I know the pain of watching others attend your
husband’s funeral and then go back to work or activities the
following day as if nothing happened – while you can’t even figure
out how to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and
you are left to pick up the completely shattered pieces of your life
and wonder how to move forward into a new life for which you didn’t
sign up and in which you aren’t especially interested.
Do I condone desertion by friends or family? NEVER.
Do I think that it’s acceptable for people to behave in a
“fair-weather” manner? Absolutely not. It’s despicable, it’s
hurtful and it’s not OK. However, I also realized that it was
unrealistic to expect everyone else –or anyone else – to mourn in
the same way that I did. People are going to “go home and go on”
with their lives after your husband’s death – it’s to be expected
and it’s not unreasonable. However, If people also chose to desert
me and my young child (and they did!)…so be it. In that process, I
discovered the depths of their integrity and character (or lack
thereof) and I instead chose to surround myself with the people who
did not desert, “cut and run” or otherwise behave as though once the
funeral was over, that it was “back to life as usual”. These were
the people who were happy to sit with me, cry with me, reminisce
with me, have a meal with me and slowly but surely help me begin to
move forward into that new life.
The people who chose to leave your life along with your husband’s
passing are the ones who have lost out – not you. They have lost
out on your friendship and the opportunity to be the kind,
supportive and positive people in your life that you deserve. Quit
wasting time and energy on these people – they won’t change and
neither will the circumstances. Surround yourself instead with the
people who WANT to be there for you – and everyone has at least ONE
of those! Can’t find one? How about THOUSANDS???? They are all
right here on the Message Boards at Widows Wear Stilettos and
believe me, every single one of the thousands of WWS
“Wonder Women” care about YOU – as do I!!!!
Until next month – STAY STRONG!!
Carole
WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS Book is now available
for Pre-ordering. Please visit "WWS Products
and Services" for details.
WWS
MESSAGE BOARDS ARE A HUGE HIT!
Our wonderful production company,
Penguins 51, has informed
us that the activity on the Message Boards has TRIPLED in the last
few months – we are going and growing; we are reaching so many in
need and our mission of hope and healing continues to spread around
the world!
Because of the rapid increase in visitors to the Message Boards, and
so that everyone has ample opportunity to participate, the
production company has found it necessary to archive posts on a
monthly basis, rather than a quarterly basis. We do want to
encourage you to continue to visit the archives to read stories and
get suggestions from those who are just like you! And don’t forget
to reach out – the number of friendships that have formed as a
result of the Message Boards are countless - be a part of it!
There’s a huge amount of comfort to be gained from talking and
sharing with those who know exactly what you’re going through…you
have dozens of new friends just waiting to meet you right here at
WWS! Visit the “Message Board” page soon!
WWS
“MEDIA GROUP”
Wondering how those fabulous WWS “Wonder Women were selected for
interviews by the media? They are members of the WWS Media Group;
consisting of volunteers who are willing to be interviewed by the
media about their experiences as a widow and their experiences at
WWS. This has consistently proven to be a wonderful way to reach
thousands of people in need, who would not have otherwise found us –
and just look at what has been accomplished so far!
If you would like to be considered as a candidate for future
interviews (which can consist of anything from a local newspaper
story to a national television show), please provide the following
information to
carole@widowswearstilettos.com and specify “Interview
Volunteer” in the subject line:
Name
Full Street Address
Telephone number (please include your area code)
Valid
email address
Age
(we’re really not being nosy about your age, but journalists,
reporters,
producers and show hosts will ask)
Please be aware that your personal information will NEVER
be given to the media before we have contacted you directly with
further information and instructions.
We thank all of you so much!
NOTE:
For those of you for whom it is simply too difficult to discuss your
widowhood journey, we have the utmost respect for your feelings and
for your privacy. We will never ask or impose
upon anyone to do anything that would cause additional pain or
otherwise make you uncomfortable. We appreciate you and will
continue to be here for you.
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS NEEDED!
At
this time, the WWS website does not automatically “capture” or
otherwise “register” the thousands of visitors to the site.
Therefore, we need YOU to help us by providing us with your email
address so that we can keep you up-to-date on everything that’s
happening at WWS. We assure you that due to our very strict privacy
policies, your address will never be sold or otherwise given to any
other parties (even if you ask us to!). You can either post your
email address on the Message Board (if you wish to be in contact
with other members of the site) or if you wish to remain
confidential, please forward your email address to
Carole@widowswearstilettos.com IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not
EVER include your full name, home address, telephone number or any
personal identifying information on the Message Boards. This is for
your safety. If WWS or its production company,
Penguins 51 sees any personal identifying information on the Message
Boards, it will be immediately removed.
ENDORSEMENTS BY WWS
Remember, all organizations, products, services or websites that are
endorsed or promoted by WWS appear either on the Tips of the
Month page OR on the Media and Personal Appearances
page. All of these organizations, products, services and / or
websites have been carefully reviewed and approved by WWS prior to
endorsement and NO organization, product, service or website will
EVER be advertised or otherwise promoted on the Message Boards.
Further, the tips, resources, websites, endorsements and
recommendations offered are based on research conducted by Widows
Wear Stilettos and / or personal experience. These recommendations
are made for the sole purpose of offering assistance and suggestions
to our members and visitors to the site. Widows Wear Stilettos, its
production company, Penguins 51 and / or their employees or assigns
DO NOT receive ANY remuneration whatsoever for any resource
endorsement or recommendations made.
NEVER
click on any link that you see on the Message Board as the chances
are excellent that it is spam. Although our amazing production
company monitors the boards virtually 24 hours a day, seven days a
week, sometimes spam hits before they have a chance to remove it.
If you ever have a question concerning an organization, product,
service or website that you see on WWS, please feel free to address
your question to us at
Carole@widowswearstilettos.com
UNWELCOME MESSAGE BOARD POSTS AND EMAILS
Technology is a fantastic thing – but along with the fantastic comes
the frustrating.
We have received reports of “spam” letters containing monetary
solicitation that either appear to have come from this site or
contain our site name in the body of the email. Unfortunately, if
you have an email address anywhere on the Internet, you are a target
for such letters. Though it rarely happens (because spammers don’t
want to give themselves away), our name has popped up in these
solicitation letters. Please be advised that any and all
email that is sent from WWS will always contain the name “Widows
Wear Stilettos” or “WWS” somewhere in the subject line.
If you do not see our name in the subject line, the letter did not
come from WWS.
We have also noticed that in addition to the spam problems on the
Message Board (which all websites encounter), there have been posts
from gentlemen seeking “lonely widows looking for comfort” or
similar verbiage. We know that at best, this is extremely offensive
and at worst, it’s very upsetting because that’s not why you (or any
of us) are here. While we think it’s wonderful that so many of you
are meeting and forming friendships (which is a huge reason for the
Message Boards), this is NOT a dating website or any other kind of
“companionship seeking” website.
Please rest assured that our production company is constantly
monitoring the site and are on the lookout for inappropriate posts.
If you are contacted via email by anyone who is seeking money, a
“lonely widow for companionship”, or if you receive ANY offensive
communications as a result of participation on the Message Boards,
PLEASE report it immediately to
Carole@widowswearstilettos.com
Widows Wear Stilettos, its production company, Penguins 51 and their
executives and employees regularly monitor the Message Boards.
ANY post deemed to be offensive, inflammatory, inappropriate or
otherwise derogatory toward ANY party whomsoever will be immediately
removed by the production company.
Previous Monthly Newsletters
2008
August - Pain:
Yours, Mine . . . and "Theirs"
July - Dreams
June - Why Time ALONE Doesn't
"Heal All Wounds". . .and What Does!
May - Yes, It IS OK
April
- Are You Too Old? . . . and Why the Answer is NO
March - Looking, Learning,
Looking Again . . . then Leaping"
February
- Sculpting Your Life
January
- Onward, Upward . . . and
Forward
2007
December
- There's STILL Nothing Like Hope
for the Holidays.
November
- The Most Hated and Misunderstood Word Is . . .
October
- Setbacks - and Comebacks
September - Turning Grief into Growth
August - Pain - And Peace
July - The Brave
Front
June - "Losing"
the Battle . . . and Winning the War
May - Am I Crazy
April
- How Do You Do It?
March - March-ing Forward
February
- Hearts, Healing and Hope
January
- It CAN be a Happy New Year
2006
December
- There's Nothing like HOPE for the Holidays
November
- You're Still Here
October
- Stay Strong
September
- Hello My Friends
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