WELCOME TO "DEAR CAROLE"

How are you feeling right now?  Overwhelmed?  Confused?  Perhaps you feel like you don’t know where to turn, what to do now or what to do next.  What sort of questions do you have?  There are others out there just like you with the same questions, thoughts and feelings, and we’re here to help!

Write to “Dear Carole” at Carole@widowswearstilettos.com** for answers to your questions…from the practical (how to transition legally and financially) to the emotional (helping you and / or your children), to the downright sticky or puzzling (the “proper” things to do).  You may even see your question answered right here! 

PLEASE NOTE:  Due to the amount of mail that we receive (approximately 800 to 1000 letters per week), it is impossible to guarantee a personal response.  However, be assured that each and every letter is read and that we endeavor to answer as many as possible.  Please also note that letters featured at “Dear Carole” are edited due to space, content and privacy protection.

** Answers to questions regarding medical, legal or financial questions and ramifications are based upon the experience and opinions of widowswearstilettos.com only and should not be construed otherwise.  Appropriate experts should be consulted accordingly. We value your privacy and for that reason, your full name need not be supplied and your email address will never be disclosed or provided to a third party.  Due to volume, we cannot guarantee a personal response to every inquiry, but will endeavor to answer and / or feature as many inquiries as possible. 

BE SURE TO WATCH OUT FOR CAROLE'S SECOND BOOK, "WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS: THE 'ANSWER' BOOK – THE ULTIMATE QUESTION, ANSWER AND REFERENCE BOOK".  CHECK BACK FOR FORTHCOMING DETAILS

JULY, 2009

Dear Carole:

     I’ve practically begged people to do things with me – like going to a movie or something, but they all have stuff going on. Do I need to make new friends instead of the friends we were “couples” with?

CAROLE SAYS:

You can certainly “keep” the friends that you and your late husband had as a couple; realizing that yes, they are going to have their “couple activities” going on – but what’s wrong with making new friends as well?  What are you doing to facilitate new relationships, new adventures and new possibilities? 

If you want to go out with the “girl half” of your couple friends, pick up the phone with your datebook in hand and ask, “What are you doing on Saturday (or on Sunday, or on the 7^th, etc)? " Don’t just say, “Let’s go to a movie sometime”, or “We should get together for lunch someday soon”.  “Sometime” and “Someday” are not days of the week - book a date, a time and a place to meet.  I assure you that no matter how busy they think they are, no one has “stuff going on” every single hour of every single day. 

Here’s a “bonus” suggestion – I know a place where you can find literally hundreds of thousands of friends – visit the Message Boards right here. The number of friendships that have been formed at and through our website are countless.  Best of all, every single person on the Message Board knows and understands exactly how you feel!  Does it get any better than that?

Dear Carole:

     My husband died while he was with another woman.  I had no idea he was involved with someone else until [I was informed about his death].  I’m angry because I have no one to yell at or confront.  Most of all, I feel stupid and like a hypocrite for grieving over someone who doesn’t deserve it because he was cheating on me.

CAROLE SAYS:

You are most certainly not a "hypocrite" or "stupid" for grieving the death of your husband.  It's not a question of his "deserve level" – it's a question of your "deserve level".  You have every right to mourn your husband's passing. 

Anger and betrayal that cannot ever truly be confronted is certainly an impossibly maddening situation.  You have every right to want answers to your questions; the first of which is most likely, "WHY?"  However, you also know that you are not going to be able to confront your husband on this horribly hurtful issue.  It is therefore up to you to learn how to deal with the completely justifiable anger that you are experiencing and eventually get to a place of peace in your heart.  The following suggestions may be helpful to you:

1)    Do NOT face, meet with or otherwise engage in confrontation with the "other woman".  Despite what you may have seen on television or in the movies, there is no advantage to be gained by starting a bitter confrontation with someone who does not deserve your time or your very limited energy.  Relegate her to where she belongs…to a sad and eventually inconsequential part of history.  However…

2)    If anyone is tries to confront you, harass or intimidate you or otherwise make your life difficult as a result of your husband's death, seek legal counsel immediately.  If you feel threatened or as though your life or welfare is in imminent danger, do not hesitate to contact your local law enforcement agency. 

3)    Start journaling.  Writing to me was an excellent start – continuing to get your feelings onto paper can only help.  You can be as sad or as angry or as bitter as you want to and believe it or not, you will feel better for "getting it out". 

4)    Strength does lie in the numbers.  Reach out and connect with other widows here on the website.  You don't have to go into any particulars or specifics surrounding your husband's death – just the fact that you are a widow is enough to warrant the support and love that you will receive. 

5)    Recognize that yours is a "Pancake Tragedy" situation and as such, you are entitled (hold onto that word!) to grieve the betrayal as a separate and distinct loss. 

6)    Consider seeking counseling or therapy to deal with this particularly difficult situation. 

JUNE, 2009

Dear Carole:

My husband bravely fought his illnesses [with a variety of different treatments before] he passed away. I feel so cheated. We did everything we could to make him better and then he died anyway. These treatments were supposed to take care of the [illness and]  since he died, I keep asking myself, "What was the point’?”

CAROLE SAYS:

You might be surprised to learn that when you lose a spouse after a long-term or lingering illness, you are also experiencing several other losses of which you may not even be aware. After dealing with a lengthy and catastrophic illness, you are also likely experiencing losses of “purpose”, as well as a loss of hope or positive expectancy. 

If the illness with which you were dealing involved treatments, surgeries, time spent in physical rehabilitation and so forth, that means that on some level, conscious or otherwise, there was a reasonable “expectation” that your husband would recover - or at the very least, be around for awhile.  When that doesn’t happen, in addition to dealing with the loss of your husband and the loss of purpose, you are also wrestling with a loss of positive expectancy.

You must accept the pluralized loss with which you are dealing – that yours is truly a multi-faceted loss that encompasses more than the loss of your husband alone.  Next, you must remember that where there is life, there is always hope – and that means that even where catastrophic or even terminal illness is concerned, if there’s a fight to be had – you FIGHT!  You fight with everything that you have, until that fight comes to its end.  No treatment or surgery or reasonable effort to preserve life should ever be considered a “waste of time” or a “wasted effort”.  You, your husband and your family were absolutely correct in fighting his illness with all of the strength and courage that each one of you possessed. 

Did you realize the happy outcome that you were seeking?  Sadly, no.  But would you do it all over again in the same way?  Would you fight with every fiber of your being?  I’ll bet I know the answer to that question! 

Dear Carole:

What I am having the most trouble dealing with is everybody [forgetting my husband].  I know this may not be how they perceive their [behavior], but it makes me so angry when people flinch when I mention [my late husband’s] name.

CAROLE SAYS:

People haven’t “forgotten” your husband; however, it is going to be much easier for everyone else to “move on” with their lives than it is for you.  Why? The fact is that others are not going to be affected in the same way as you are - they aren't the widow and no one is going feel this loss in the same way as you do.  People may “flinch” at the mention of your husband’s name because it’s a general fact of life that people are (a) uncomfortable with the topic of death and (b) simply don’t know what to say to you because (c) they think that if they bring up your husband, you will melt before their eyes.

Ignore the "flinches" or the "squirmies" or whatever else you think that people may be suffering from and please do not be afraid to talk about your husband!  You may be the one that needs to put others at ease (as we so often are), because people don’t want to upset you by bringing up the subject of your husband’s absence.  If you want to talk about him – go ahead and talk about him.  People will take their cues from you and if you’re fine talking about him, they will be comfortable with talking about him as well. 

BE SURE TO WATCH OUT FOR CAROLE'S SECOND BOOK, "WIDOWS WEAR STILETTOS: THE 'ANSWER' BOOK – THE ULTIMATE QUESTION, ANSWER AND REFERENCE BOOK".  CHECK BACK FOR FORTHCOMING DETAILS

MAY, 2009

Dear Carole:

I have been divorced for [several] years and now my husband has passed away.  Can I refer to myself as a widow?

CAROLE SAYS:

[Please be aware that as to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through Widows Wear Stilettos are based upon information and opinion only and should not be construed as directed advice.]  

            This is actually a very common situation and as such, a very common question that I receive. 

            As are many of the answers surrounding the widowhood journey, yours is a "yes and no" situation.  Technically speaking (and mind you, this is ONLY technically speaking), since you were divorced from your husband, you are not "technically" his widow.  This pretty much pertains only to things like filling out forms at doctor's offices – you would indicate your marital status as "divorced".  However, as we all well know, the heart is not governed by technicality or paperwork and it is perfectly normal for you to be experiencing the same kinds of emotions that a "technical" widow feels.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise (i.e., "Well, you were divorced"); as though it were "no big deal". 

            Another important aspect is that depending on factors such as the length of your marriage and any children that you may have as a result of the marriage, you may be entitled to Social Security benefits as a widow designee.  Please be sure to visit www.ssa.gov for additional information.

Dear Carole:

Can you tell me the difference [between] "visitor" and "member" [of the website]?

CAROLE SAYS:

            Visitors to the website are varied.  There are many widows who are not comfortable with being "active" participants and prefer to visit the website periodically to stay caught up and take advantage of the newsletter, education, tips and so forth.  Other visitors include friends, family and loved ones of widows or of women facing widowhood who are seeking help on their behalf. Additional visitors include members of the media who need to learn more about Widows Wear Stilettos.  Members of Widows Wear Stilettos are those who visit the site regularly and participate by posting on the message boards, writing in, participating in the free teleseminars, etc.  Regardless of "visitor" or "member", we are happy to have EVERYONE stopping by!

Dear Carole:

My husband died [and] I have never felt so alone.  At the time, I remember saying many times that I am blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends, and I truly believe that. However, they all act like I should be ‘over it’ by now.

CAROLE SAYS:

Isn't it so incredibly easy for other people to decide not only in what manner, but for how long you should be grieving?  Well, guess what?  This is YOUR healing journey!  No one gets to decide for you when to grieve, how to grieve and / or how long it "should" take to grieve.

Out of all of the “friends and family” who are telling you that you should be “over it” because it’s been “x” amount of time (i.e., whatever time parameters that they have designated appropriate for your grieving), how many of them are also widows who have endured the suffering, the pain and the loss in the same way that you have? I’m going to take a wild guess and say…none. And in any case, not ONE of them is the widow of your late husband. 

In point of fact, no one else is qualified to dictate to you when you should be “over it”.  People want you to be “over it” because death in general is an uncomfortable subject and it's easier for THEM if you are "over it".  They are uncomfortable with your grief.  You must again remember that this is YOUR healing journey.  YOU are in charge.  YOU are the boss.  No one else gets to tell you when or how to be "over it".

One more thing…I absolutely believe that there is such a thing as “staying in the sadness” for too long – but only you can make that determination.  Listen to your own internal “clock” – not to the opinions of others.  If you feel that even with the passage of time and with legitimate effort made on your part, that you are not moving forward in the way that you would like, then (and only then) you should seek help or additional support. 

APRIL, 2009

Dear Carole:

I thought I had read [in one of the Monthly Newsletters] of a tax cut that widows can get for three years. Can you tell me what that is called?

CAROLE SAYS:

[Please be aware that as to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through Widows Wear Stilettos are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.]  

Your question refers to a "Tip of the Month" from January, 2007, which I have excerpted for your convenience.

"This is also the time of year when we begin to – gulp – organize our finances in anticipation of – another gulp – TAX SEASON. If you have not already done so, be sure that you let your accountant know of your status as a widow.  You may be eligible to file under what is referred to as “Preferred Status” with the Internal Revenue Service.  This means that your status as a widow will be noted on the return; however, the return will be considered as if you were married; thereby affording you the same tax benefits as if you were married.  Your accountant will be able to provide you with additional information.  If you don’t believe that your marital status was noted properly on previous returns, check with your accountant to see if you are eligible to file an amended return."

Please also note that you may be eligible to file under this status for three years; however, you will want to bear in mind that everyone's tax situations are different and your eligibility as to filing status will depend on your particular situation.

Dear Carole:

[Several] years ago], I was widowed and was starting to move on with life. I rekindled a relationship with my ex-husband. The anniversary of the death of my late husband came and my ex offered to take me to his grave.  Two days later [my ex] was killed. Shock is hardly the word for what I’m feeling. I can't help but feel like a ‘black widow’. After two deaths, I feel like perhaps I am meant to be alone.

CAROLE SAYS:

            You know, after my husband’s death, someone actually told me, “Perhaps you’re just mean to be alone” and that’s why I was widowed at such a young age.  In the book, I addressed this rather insensitive observation and I believe this to be true – if you were "meant" to be alone, you would be off living in a cave.        If I had been “meant” to be alone, I would never have married and I am confident that I would not have compounded that by making a little person, who eventually turned into a big person and which virtually ensured that I would never again be alone - or ever again permitted to lock a bathroom door or enjoy private domain over my hair products.  Some people may choose to be alone; however, none of us were ever meant to be alone. 

Similarly, you obviously did not choose to be alone. You met, fell in love with and built a life with another person.  When that life came to an end, you wisely moved forward and were beginning to build a new life with your ex-husband when a comparable tragedy befell you.  This in no way defines you as a “black widow” nor is it some kind of “sign”; divine or otherwise, that you should be alone.  It simply means that you have loved and known the love of two wonderful men whom you sadly lost far too soon.  That’s it.  If you learn nothing else, please know this – while widowhood shapes you, it does not define you. 

I’ll take it one step further…once you have traveled far enough along on your healing journey, I would encourage you to open your heart to the possibility of loving once again.  You do not have to be alone, there aren’t any quotas or limits on the amount of love to which we are entitled in our lives and you are unquestionably entitled to love and to be loved in return once again – without fear, without reservation and without feeling like the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come”.

MARCH, 2009

Dear Carole:

I lost my husband two years ago. He was my childhood sweetheart and there is not a part of my emotional life that he was not part of. People don't understand this [and] I get, "It's been two years; its time to move on.  How do I explain that it feels like yesterday?

As much as I am so lonely, I am very confused too. Dating? What the heck is that? I am so out of practice. I am really torn [as] part of me wants to take the next step [and] the other part of me still feels married.

CAROLE SAYS:

I know that when you reach this point on your Healing Journey, you can indeed have that, "it just happened yesterday" feeling - and most people who surround us widows cannot possibly understand why.

You see, what most don't realize is that you have largely spent much of the last two years doing two things; getting through the first throes of grief and getting to know yourself post-loss - a discovery process that people tend to completely overlook.  There is a period of time (and that period of time differs with everyone) that you must spend getting to know who you are; independent of your husband - a process that does not take place overnight.  For everyone else around you, it has been two years since your husband died.  For you, it has been "two weeks" - and at the same time, it has been a "lifetime" ago...and don't be surprised if you bounce back and forth between those two feelings.

As I always like to remind all of my WWS Wonder Women, the people around you have not taken and are not taking the same journey as you because they are not the widow.  No one has suffered the loss of your husband in the same way that you have.  So the next time that someone says, "It's time to move on, it's been two years" (or words to that effect), smile politely and reply, "It's been two years for YOU - it's a little different for me."  This is a very polite way of saying, "I am his widow.  I'm moving forward in my way, in my time and that time parameter cannnot be and will not be dictated by anyone other than me."

Now let's have a quick look at the World of Dating.  Your letter tells me that you would like to entertain the thought of dating, but can't quite seem to act on that thought right now.  This could simply mean that you aren't ready yet and if that is the case - that's OK!  If your hesitation is because you feel as though you are "cheating" or otherwise being disrespectful of your husband's memory, you have learned that neither is the case.  You know that we can still love our husbands while also moving forward into a life that can include companionship and (eventually) love, if that is what we choose. 

However, if your hesitation concerning dating is because you're just not "there" yet - then by all means, pay attention to YOU, honor your feelings and give it awhile longer.  There is an excellent "quiz" in the book that can help you determine exactly where you are in the dating scheme of things - take the quiz and pay heed to your answers.  Based upon your answers, it just may mean that for now, you aren't ready to take the "dating step" yet, but that you should revisit the quiz anywhere from six months to a year from now and see how you feel at that point. 

Dear Carole:

I have been a widow for several years.  Before their son died we spent every holiday and a lot of time with them. I often resented it when my husband was alive, but went along with it for my husband's and children's sake.   Since he has been gone, I feel less comfortable with them. When I'm at their house, I feel really out of place without my husband there.

I have continued to see them every holiday because they are my children's grandparents.  My children are young adults now and live on their own. But increasingly I feel more resentful that my mother in-law expects it.  My mother in-law "guilts" me if I have other plans.  My children think I am being unkind when I don't want to join in every time they are together.  It feels like they want some sort of control over my loyalty. I am not in another relationship per se, but have dated some. I don't think they know that though.  My question is, how much time should I spend with my in-laws in order to honor them as my husband's parents and my children's grandparents?

CAROLE SAYS:

To my way of thinking, you are a hero.  You not only did the "right thing" by your in-laws when your husband was alive and your children were young, but you continue to do what is perceived to be the "right thing" by everyone in the world even YEARS after your husband's death.  Now here is my question to you:

What about YOU?? 

What do YOU want??

This is where we need to help you find your "inner voice"; starting with the kids.  Children can sometimes lose sight of the fact that Mom isn't just "Mom" - she is a person as well.  By your own description, your children are now young adults who live on their own. You need to have a calm, "sit down" discussion with them and explain that far from being "unkind" for not spending every single special occasion with their grandparents, it is perfectly normal and natural for you to explore other avenues, adventures or whatever it is that you feel like doing (even if it means just sleeping in on Christmas Day because you want to!). You are well within your rights to say, "I'm going to pass on this (holiday, weekend, special occasion) and offer an alternative time to get together as a family if you feel like doing so. Furthermore, your children are adults -  what is to prevent them from continuing to spend time with their grandparents on their own? 

You may want to think about having the same kind of "sit down" with your in-laws and gently explain that while you will always love and appreciate them and that you will never stop loving your late husband, your life is moving in a forward direction and that you are entitled to move in that forward direction.  You are not destined to live your life in perpetual mourning; nor would your husband have wanted that for you - staying in a place of mourning will not bring him back.  While you may not necessarily want to "flaunt" the fact that you are dating, it's certainly not something that you have to keep secret either.  If they ask you if you have dated, answer honestly.  If they say something akin to, "How could you do that to him", politely answer, "I'm not doing anything to him - he's not here anymore". It's hard, it hurts - but it is also a fact.

As to "loyalty", your loyalty has been more than evident; not only throughout your marriage but since becoming a widow as well.  It has been years since your husband's death and as I continue to teach, you can honor your past, you can love your past; however, you do not have to live in your past.  There are people who might prefer that you live in the past - and the problem is that if you live in the past, you're missing out on something called LIFE - and that is the most unfair part of this entire scenario. 

It's time for you to listen to that inner voice.  It's time for you to honor you. It's time for you to help others realize that it has been years since you lost your husband and that while you will always love and miss him and no one could ever replace him; you are nonetheless entitled to continue forward with life in the way that you see fit. There is no "should" in the equation (as in, "How much time 'should' I spend with my in-laws"); except to say that you SHOULD start paying attention to yourself first - because you deserve it. 

FEBRUARY, 2009

Dear Carole:

I found this web site many months ago when my husband died suddenly.  By reading questions from other widows [as well as] the other articles, it helped me through some of my darkest days. After a time, I felt better about myself and did not visit the site for several months.  

This week is the first anniversary of my husband's death.  I have been thrown back to that terrible time and have struggled greatly with my emotions.  Friends and family are surprised and uncomfortable with my state and have let me know that at this point I should be much better and moving forward with my life; a thought that frankly is more than a little overwhelming.

Tonight while checking e-mail, something triggered my memory of the Widows Wear Stilettos [web]site where I had found comfort earlier this year.  To my surprise, the very topic of the January, 2009 newsletter ("Critics, Critics Everywhere") was just what I needed to read.  It lifted my spirit and gave me the strength to face the critics in my life.  For whatever reason I logged on tonight, I am grateful for it.

Thank you for all you do for [us] widows.

CAROLE SAYS:

I thank you for the very kind words and welcome you back to your Widows Wear Stilettos "family".  I'm so pleased that you are once again receiving necessary comfort and education here. 

The first anniversary of the death of your husband is one of the toughest "firsts" that there is and it's no wonder that you are once again experiencing a tumult of emotions – in fact, it would be stranger if you weren't feeling those emotions.  One of the reasons that this is such a difficult time is that on the day that you lost your husband and for awhile immediately afterward, the "fog" that I'm always talking about takes over to protect you from the shock that you have sustained – and believe it or not, as much pain as you were in on that horrible day, you may feel the loss even more acutely at this point in your Healing Journey; when the "fog" has lifted.  Now that the "fog" that has been protecting you has pretty much worn off, you are now actually feeling the loss all over again – perhaps even more so. 

People who surround us widows have moved on, and might tend to take on the, "well it's been a year; it's been done and over with; what's the matter with her?" attitude.  However, as I discussed in the newsletter, in several places in the book and just about everywhere else in the world, they are not the widow.  They are not YOU.  They are "Everyone Else".  They didn't have to live through and after the circumstances that took your husband away from you and they don't have to mentally and emotionally relive it now.

What to do?  Returning to the website is a great start.  Also make sure that you're armed with the healing tools that are going to help you continue to move forward on your Healing Journey (the book and CD are great starts).  If you feel comfortable enough to do so, jump onto the Message Boards and let some of the most incredible, generous women in the world help you too – because every single one of them knows exactly how you feel and no one is going to be "uncomfortable" with your feelings.  Most of all, keep right on listening to that "little voice" inside – the voice that reminds you that it's perfectly fine to feel the way that you are feeling right now. 

Dear Carole:

My husband passed away [suddenly and immediately after another death of a close family member].  Of course I am still in the cusp of huge amounts of grief that I am getting help for. Your website is helpful and I am going to buy your book because the more info I fill my head with, the better.  Also, I need that positive outlook, even though I can't think in those terms yet.  I have to know that one day it is attainable; that I may once again feel normal.  They tell me it could take a year or two or three and someone told me today that she just never got over it.   At times, I do feel that my life is over.  Why should I find or construct a new one?  

CAROLE SAYS:

I'll start with your very last question.  Why should you "construct" a new life?  Because you want to! 

If you didn't want to, the rest of your letter would not have been written in such a positive, life affirming manner.  While it may be true that you aren't ready today, this very moment to go out and grab a great big bite out of life, the truth is that you want to heal and you are already taking positive steps to do so – you're visiting the website, you're buying the book, you wrote to me, you are surrounding yourself with necessary information and support and most importantly, all of this adds up to you being proactive in your healing process. 

            As to how long "they" say it will take you to feel "normal" – who are "they"?  Even if "they" are themselves widows, I'll say it again – they are not you!  As for the "someone" who told you that she "never got over it"….you will learn in the book that this is an experience is not something that you "get over" – it is something that is with you always.  However, you do not need to live in a place of pain for the rest of your days; a fact that you obviously already recognize – and you will learn how to move forward from that pain to a place of peace.

            I congratulate you for your open spirit and your "can do" attitude – even though you may not feel like that is your attitude at this moment in time, nevertheless, your spirit shines through in your letter and that is something that needs to be applauded.

JANUARY, 2009

Dear Carole:

My husband died [a short time ago]. I know I have to get a headstone; I just can't face this task [right now]. I found out that [an in-law] ordered a marker that I completely object to. [The in-law] states that I abandoned [my husband] in an unmarked grave. He was gone [only a very short time] when this occurred. [Is] there is an etiquette rule stating the length of time to place a marker? 

CAROLE SAYS:

Did you know that in the Jewish religion, depending upon the circumstances and the relation of the deceased to the grieving, it can be up to an entire year before a marker is placed?  So much for an "etiquette rule".  Furthermore, and speaking from a practical standpoint, markers or headstones can be a great expense – and that might be money that a widow doesn't have right after paying for a funeral and final expenses; not to mention being immediately deprived of at least 50% of a household income (if not more).

It would have been a far more appropriate (and kind) gesture for your in-law to make the offer of paying for the ordering and placement of a marker; asking what you wanted it to reflect.  However, to act as they did is completely improper and most certainly disrespectful to you. 

In addition to your in-law, who not only acted in complete haste, but without any reservation of rights or permission whatsoever, I would also definitely take issue with the cemetery / mortuary for allowing a marker to be placed without consulting with you first. Start by asking what proof was requested by the cemetery / mortuary demonstrating that the in-law had any authority to place the marker without your knowledge or consent and by all means, consult an attorney.  

Regardless of what the law(s) are where you live, this kind of action is absolutely unconscionable and you have every right to be angry, disgusted and hurt.  You most certainly did not abandon your husband in "an unmarked grave" – you were simply taking your time before making another decision that you have every right to make. 

The next time you visit the site, I also want you to visit the September, 2008 Monthly Newsletter ("What's 'Right', What's 'Wrong' and WHAT THE ****???) to get additional insight and encouragement concerning how you are very rightfully feeling right now. 

Dear Carole:

I lost my husband [recently due to an accident and was left with a young child].  I feel like I am being rushed to address monies and other things that I am just not ready to deal with right now. Am I being selfish for not wanting to do this right now? How do I handle this? 

CAROLE SAYS:

Let me quickly remind you that all advice and opinions given are just that and are not to be taken as directed advice.  You need to consult the appropriate experts accordingly.

I know that money is the very last thing that you want to be thinking about right now; however, it is one of the few things that you do need to address as soon as possible.  Just about everything else in the world can wait - but I generally recommend that anything that has to do with the generation of income to the widowed household be accomplished as soon as possible.

If you have not already done so, you need to file claims with Social Security; both as a widow and on behalf of your child.  You may be entitled to collecting two sums per month - one addressed to you and one on behalf of your child.  These sums of money will be based on several factors, including your own income.  Please do not wait on this.  Visit www.ssa.gov for further information.  

[Because your husband was involved in an accident, you may also wish to consult with] an attorney specializing in personal injury / wrongful death to seek damages against the person involved (or his estate if he was killed).  There are very strict time limits as to filing these claims and those time limits depend on where you live.  

I know that all of this is undoubtedly making your head spin and I completely understand - I lost Mike six days before Christmas; however, on December 26^th, I was on the phone setting things in motion.  It doesn't all have to be done in one day - but it does have to be done and when it comes to filing claims of ANY kind, there is always a "ticking clock" of sorts. The only things you need to concentrate on right now are:

1.  Filing the claims with Social Security on behalf of you and your son; and

2.  Consulting with an attorney regarding the situation in its entirety; and

That's it.  That's all you have to worry about right this minute.  If people come around asking about Wills and so forth (or what I call the "What's In It For Me" Crowd), you do NOT have to worry about that right now.  

DECEMBER, 2008

Dear Carole:

I'm struggling as are so many other women. I lost my husband [a very short time ago and] the shock and grief has been overwhelming.  With the holidays approaching, I'm leaning towards just going light on decorating, although I'm not sure I have the strength to go through the process of a tree and looking at ornaments that we collected.  Some have told me not to run from this but I'm just feeling mentally and physically exhausted.  Is that what I'm doing? Running?  We have always made a big deal of the holidays but [it] is not the same right now. Plus, I'm trying to do what I need for me, not what everyone else thinks I should be doing.  

I am looking forward to your book release in January.  Any advice or help is appreciated.

CAROLE SAYS:

Are you "running"?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  What you are doing...is GRIEVING! 

We are talking about a short time since the loss of your husband and despite what those who surround us may think, grief does not resolve in an overnight, "OK, that's over with" fashion.  Certainly the holidays amplify the loss of our loved one and particularly in households where holidays were celebrated in a big way.  Let's add in the fact that these are the very first holidays that you are facing without your husband and this makes for a very difficult time.  Running?  I don't think so. 

What pleased me the most about your letter is that you are resolute in listening to YOU and how YOU want to handle things.  Your observation that, "I'm trying to do what I need for me, not what everyone else thinks I should be doing" demonstrates great strength and conviction and you need to be proud of yourself for that.  Continue to listen to that "voice inside"; it will never steer you wrong; particularly during this challenging time.

I want to encourage you to visit the December Monthly Newsletter, as we have re-run our most popular newsletter that we run every December, entitled, "There's Nothing Like HOPE for the Holidays".  Not only will you find helpful tips and insights, it will help reinforce the decisions you are making concerning the holidays. 

Dear Carole:

What is your opinion of going away for the holidays?  My friends and family don’t think it’s appropriate, but I have the opportunity to take a [vacation away] and I’d really like to do it.  What do you think?

CAROLE SAYS:

What is inappropriate about your taking a vacation during the holidays?  Not only is it just fine, but it is a recommendation that I have made on the Tips of the Month page!  Many find it just too painful to stay in their homes at this time of year; surrounded by memories of a life that once was.  Others simply want to begin creating new memories or do something different.  Let me ask you a question that I ask every single time someone approaches me with an issue that begins with, “Everyone thinks I should (or shouldn’t, as the case may be)…”  That question is, how many of these disapproving folks are WIDOWS who are facing the holidays without their spouse?  I’m guessing none – and I’m generally correct in this guess.

Wherever your destination and whatever your reasons, I encourage you to listen to YOU; just as I stated in answer to our first letter this month.  If you feel like going away for the holidays, you should not only do so, you should have a wonderful and peaceful time. 

NOVEMBER, 2008

Dear Carole:

Is it natural to feel envy for my friends and coworkers that have spouses, families, beautiful homes or boyfriends?

CAROLE SAYS:

Of course it's normal to feel envious.  You once had what you perceive everyone else as still having – and it is not fair.  You feel like everyone else in the world “has it all”, when everything that you once held near and dear has been taken away from you. That's completely and 100% normal as well.  

What you need to realize however, is that you are comparing your "weakness"  - that of loss - to their "strengths".  You are in a very vulnerable place right now; a place of loss, healing and gradual re-discovery – and that is a very “uncertain” place in which to be. 

You must realize that the friends and co-workers whom you envy are also human too; complete with human frailties. Yes, they may have beautiful homes or “perfect” spouses and boyfriends.  But guess what else?  Behind the closed doors of those beautiful homes, they're also having fights over whose turn it is to clean up after the dog or wash the dishes; they’re dealing with mortgages and credit card debt and orthodontist bills and kids with the flu and cars that break down and husbands that hog the remote and boyfriends that forget birthdays and other challenges that they don’t share and that you can't see.  

My mother taught me an old saying long ago...if we all stood in a circle and threw our troubles into the air, we'd run to catch our own!  In other words, envy is normal - but you also don't really know that what it is you're envying is worth having.  So let’s instead concentrate on how you will best augment, compliment and enrich your own life – and I would not be surprised if one day soon, you became the envy of some of these friends and co-workers!

Dear Carole:

I thought that I was doing ok and I think I was for awhile but I feel my body stressing again.  Just like in the beginning [after the death], I'm not able to keep food in and I don't sleep. Is this common?

CAROLE SAYS:

If you had a sore throat or a broken leg or a horrible cough that wouldn't go away, you would go to the doctor, right?  This is no different. When grief starts to affect you physically (inability to sleep; inability to keep food down or in; sudden weight loss or gain; hair loss; headaches, etc.), your body is telling you that it needs HELP!   You can't permit your physical health to deteriorate; you need to be physically healthy to continue on your  healing journey.  Do NOT wait and allow any kind of symptoms to continue or worsen - see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!

OCTOBER, 2008

Dear Carole:

I came across your website and I have been exploring it eagerly. My husband and I were married [in 2008] after eight years of dating.  Two weeks after our wedding, he was taken away from me [in an accident]. We loved being married even though it was only for two weeks [and we] hadn't even gone on our honeymoon.  

I am wondering if it is okay to still wear my wedding ring.  I wasn't sure if that is something I can do now.  Also, we didn't [receive the] wedding pictures from the photographer until after [the accident] had happened. Is it weird to have pictures printed and displayed?  

Thank you so much and I am going out to buy your book today.

CAROLE SAYS:

While the “wedding ring” issue is certainly one of the most common questions that we receive, this particular set of circumstances makes it all the more urgent to repeat my answer. 

You absolutely positively CAN wear those wedding rings and you can do so for as long as you wish!  I will hasten to warn you that at some point, you will run across at least one person who will tell you that you shouldn’t be wearing your rings because “you’re not married anymore” (as if any of us needs someone to point that out); or that wearing your rings will prevent you from moving forward (like moving forward is an overnight process; prevented only by your wearing wedding rings).  Stay true to your heart and proudly wear your rings.  The time may come that you might consider moving them to your right hand or taking them off altogether – but that time is not now! 

The same holds true for your wedding pictures.  All of us have pictures printed out from our wedding that are in albums or in frames - why shouldn’t you!  Again, you may have people giving unsolicited opinions as to what you should do in this regard; however, I would absolutely encourage you to select pictures and have them made into an album.  Just because you tragically lost your husband two weeks after your marriage does not mean that you should be deprived of enjoying the memories of that wonderful day – not to mention the eight years that you shared together prior to your marriage.

I am thrilled that you found Widows Wear Stilettos and I encourage you to visit here often; particularly the Message Boards.  The women you’ll meet on the boards are the most loving and compassionate people on the planet and all of them know what you are going through right now.  You have literally thousands of friends waiting for you – all of whom will be anxious to put there arms around you and welcome you here.

Dear Carole:

My son is getting married and I am doing the rehearsal dinner myself. I have been widowed for ten years. On the wedding rehearsal invitation, do I put my name “Mrs. [John Doe]” or do I just go with [Jane Doe]?

CAROLE SAYS:

A wedding rehearsal invitation is generally less "formal" than the wedding invitation itself, so this is truly your personal preference.  However, if you want to acknowledge your late husband on the invitation, it is certainly acceptable to do so.  You could word it as "dinner in honor of (bride and groom's names); daughter of (bride's parents’ names here) and son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe." It is truly up to you and what would make you and your son happy.

I wish you all much happiness on this celebration in your family!

SEPTEMBER, 2008

Dear Carole:

I was just introduced to you, your website, and your book while listening to MIX 94.7 [“Your Time with Kim Iverson”] in Austin, Texas.  I was thrilled to hear that your focus is on the "young" widow.  I lost my [when] I was 24 and he was 26.  We had a 2 1/2 year old son.  I so wished for someone close to my age that could relate to losing a husband and left with raising a young child at such a young age.  Thankfully, I had an extremely supportive family and network of friends that truly helped me to survive emotionally. 

I can totally relate to many things that you emphasize, such as other people's "opinions" of how and when you move forward with your life, because as I learned, only YOU know when the timing is right.  I also struggled to make sure my son grew up in an atmosphere of normalcy as possible.  I always stressed to him that although he didn't have his father physically in his life, that the two of us were as much a "family" as any other.

I remained single, until 1998, at which time, [I] made the worst decision of my life.  I married someone that was "too good to be true".  We dated for three years prior to marrying.  We divorced in 2004 after a long, nasty, financially depleting, divorce process.  My son was in his first year of college and I was in my last year of nursing school.  It definitely took its toll on both of us, emotionally and financially.  Proudly, I can say [that] my son and I have moved way beyond those dark times and are both in a much better place.  

I do have a question that I hope you are able to clarify for me.  I have been stumped [as to marital status) when it comes to filling out various forms [medical, financial, etc.]. Am I a widow or divorced?  I would rather be classified as [the] widow [of] the man that is the father of my son whose memory we would like to keep alive; rather than [divorced from] a person whose memory we would like to forget.  Other than preference, does my [martial] status have any bearing on filling out various forms?

I also have a second question.  Can you please explain why you refer to God as G-d?  

I will continue to follow your website and plan to buy your book when available.  You are and will be blessing to many women, young or old.

CAROLE SAYS:

Thank you for your letter and for your very kind words.  I am delighted that you are a part of Widows Wear Stilettos.

First the "legalities". As to any legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through Widows Wear Stilettos are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice. Appropriate experts should be consulted accordingly.

This is a great question and not as uncommon a situation as you may think.  Generally speaking, and unfortunately, when it comes to filling out forms, your current marital status needs to reflect what happened to you most recently. In your case, you would be considered divorced.  If the marriage was annulled, this may be different; however, you will need to consult an attorney who specializes in family law matters.  Particularly when you are dealing with governmental entities such as Social Security, if you don't disclose the subsequent marriage, you could be viewed as trying to commit fraud.  

Believe me, I totally understand why you would just as soon forget the second marriage - and you never have to refer to him ever ever again in conversation if you don't want to...but I would tread very carefully when filling out any form that might somehow jeopardize you legally or financially.

As to your other excellent question, I am of the Jewish faith and traditionally, we do not spell out the word G-d in its entirety.  The teaching is that His name is too holy to write out as it might get erased or otherwise treated disrespectfully or destroyed.  It is spelled out in prayerbooks and such; however, if a prayerbook is accidentally dropped, we pick it up and touch it to our lips out of respect and kind of like an "apology".  There are even certain areas in many Jewish cemetaries that are reserved for the burial of old prayerbooks that are too worn to use any longer - all in the name of respect and love for Him.  In my book, the publisher has spelled His name in full and that's fine - but I didn't when I wrote the book. 

Such a long answer to a quick question - sorry about that!

Dear Carole:

My sister's husband recently died very unexpectedly. My sister is a physician and is having a very difficult time.  I know she needs help and support but she is not the type to [take] advice or counseling; [especially] from her [younger sister].  How can I help her?  I'd like to send her your web site [because] I know she could use the support. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

CAROLE SAYS:

It's an outstanding idea to GENTLY suggest that your sister visit the site - it's non-threatening, she can visit at her leisure and meet thousands of other women just like herself…or if she prefers, she can stay "to herself" and just enjoy the support, resources and education that we have to offer.  You might also mention that numbering among the thousands of Widows Wear Stilettos members are physicians (from all areas of specialty and expertise); psychologists; therapists...even grief counselors who help others but who themselves have become widowed and need the outlet that Widows Wear Stilettos provides.  Many in the medical and mental health professions feel as though they should be able to "handle it" all on their own, and that's certainly not the case.  We’re here for everyone – and you let your sister know that physicians need and are entitled to “love and support” too! 

AUGUST, 2008

Dear Carole:

I lost my husband [almost] four years ago.  The first year was hard but I found the second and third years even worse.  It seems as if the longer they are gone, the more you miss them. When does the pain go away?  Sometimes I feel like I’m actually going backwards and that it will never be any different.

CAROLE SAYS:

One of the reasons that you may feel worse as time passes, or as though you're "going backward" is that the "fog" that I constantly talk about – the “anesthetic” that has cushioned you against the shock of your loss – has begun to wear off.  As life resumes, the "fog" begins to lift and the pain becomes more real.  Things like financial matters, transitioning your children into a life without Daddy and returning to work can all serve to postpone the facing of our own grief, with which you may just now be starting to cope.

Another reason that you may be feeling your emotional pain even more acutely with the passage of time is that you did not allow yourself adequate time to heal initially.  There is no shame in that of course, but as my mother used to tell me…if you “skip over” any part of your life, at some point in time, you will go back to retrieve it.  This is what you may be experiencing now. 

For whatever reasons at the time – it was too difficult for you to be alone; a well-meaning friend or relative told you that you should be “over it” already; you “busied” yourself to distraction with work, children or both – you were not permitted to truly grieve and accept that which had happened to you. 

Ever hear the phrase, “back to basics”?  This is what I’m going to encourage you to do – go back to the “basics” of healing.  Even though you may be further past your husband’s death in terms of chronological time, you may very well need to re-visit the very basic first steps of healing – and there’s no shame in that either! 

If you feel that all else has failed and that despite all of your best efforts to seek support, take advice and implement suggestions, you just can’t seem to move forward in a healthy and positive way…get help!  You don’t have to do this all by yourself.  While continuing to surround yourself with the support that you need, you should consider consulting with your doctor as to therapies and different alternatives that will best serve you and your needs right now. 

Dear Carole:

            I became a widow at 37 years old [and left with] with three children.  [My husband] was hit by a car, in a coma for eight days, and then I had to withdraw life support; [which] was his expressed wish in his Living Will.  

 It's been - well, as you know...hell.  I thought by now it'd be getting more stable and that I'd be back to my old self, but I get hit HARD with setbacks.  Plus I have a very controlling and odd situation with [my husband’s] family.  I STILL face constant confrontation from [one particular family member].

I only want to begin to move on peacefully; to regain happiness and a sense of stability.  I am not great [with] confrontation and I'm very sensitive.  I'm still very broken and healing. I need help.    

CAROLE SAYS:

I don't know of many people who like confrontation less than I do.  I'm a very outspoken, strong, "spunky" person with a whole lot of moxie...but I can't even watch "reality" television because I can't stand confrontation!  That said, if I'm backed into a corner by anyone...watch out!

You must now consider yourself "backed" into a corner of sorts.  [The family member] staying in touch periodically and sharing fond memories while continuing to heal and move forward is one thing – [intentional confrontation] is quite another.  [They] may need to seek professional help and there's nothing wrong with that at all - but [they do] not get to make you miserable in this process.  

I know that you don't like confrontation and yes, you've been through quite enough.  However, it's time for you to be in charge, don't you agree?  Nothing will change if you don't assert yourself and put a stop to this.  It's time for you to find your voice.  It's time for you to get a little bit cranky and a lot determined to take back YOUR life and YOUR healing journey.  You can be controlled only if you allow the control to be assumed.  

Is there another family member that you can speak with about this behavior?  If so, that might be an avenue for you.  If not, it's time to disconnect. Change your telephone numbers and email address if you have to - but the time for inaction has to come to an end.  Quit giving away the power that you're giving - it's holding you back from moving forward to that place of peace that you're seeking.

JULY, 2008

Dear Carole:

            It has been 14 months since my husband died.  His brother cremated and buried my husband while I was out of town to bury my grandmother.  What can I do about what [my husband’s] brother did to me and [to] my daughters?

CAROLE SAYS:

(As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  Appropriate experts should be consulted accordingly).

I'm very unclear as to your brother-in-law's rights to do what he did.  However, in addition to your brother-in-law, I would also definitely take issue with the cemetery / mortuary for allowing a cremation to take place without notifying you at the very least. Start by asking what proof was requested by the cemetery / mortuary demonstrating that the brother-in-law HAD the authority to grant permission for cremation.  

As to your rights, this is a highly sensitive matter and one that will definitely require the input and / or assistance of an attorney.  You will need to consult an attorney who specializes in estate matters.  Don't forget to mention the cremation without your knowledge or consent because you were out of town on yet another bereavement.  Regardless of what the law(s) are where you live, this is absolutely unconscionable to me and you have every right to be angry, disgusted and hurt.  

I know that practical matters can be both overwhelming and time consuming; however, you cannot wait on this.  You need to know exactly what your rights are and what legal recourses are available to you. Should you decide to proceed with a lawsuit, there are strict time limitations as to when you can do so - and when that time has lapsed, it has lapsed - there are no "do-overs" or "oh, I forgot" when it comes to the law.

Dear Carole:

            I am a recent widow and have been dating a man for six months. We’ve decided to marry next year. I thought [that] I was OK with it because he makes me so happy.  Tonight the issue of taking his name came up and I’m having a hard time. It’s not that I don’t want to take his name; it’s that I’m having trouble losing my husband’s name. Maybe all this is too soon. Help!

CAROLE SAYS:

Let’s start with your very last sentiment, “maybe all this is too soon”.  If the “little voice” inside is causing you to question yourself or the timing of a remarriage – step back!  Take an honest re-examination of the reasons that you are getting married.  While he may make you very happy and that is wonderful, are you remarrying for the right reasons?  Or is it because it’s just too hard or hurts to be alone? 

I have received literally hundreds of letters like yours; where widows find themselves in relationships or engaged to be married or already remarried and too late they feel that they may have “jumped too soon”.  It is perfectly acceptable (and very smart) to wait awhile to make absolutely sure that this is the right person for you and that your reason(s) for remarrying are the right reasons.

As to the question of your last name, consider hyphenating your current last name with your new married name.  Many widows have done this; especially when there are children involved.  Let your intended know how you feel about having to choose between your late husband’s name and his and that you are thinking of hyphenating the two.  You should be received with an attitude of compassion and understanding.

Remember,  just as I encourage widows to take their time in the grief-recovery process, I also encourage you to really take your time regarding this most important step in your life – and I wish you every happiness as you move forward!

Dear Carole:

I read your story [Woman’s World Magazine, May 12, 2008 edition]. Your husband die[d], but that does not make you any better than us old widows. As you put it, it sounds like you feel that we have no right to grieve because we are old and we don't have the right to be upset.  My husband died in November, 2007 at 60 [years of age] and I am having a very hard time getting through the day. You seem to feel that because I am old, that is OK. You are still good-looking and have a job and a daughter to take up your time.  Us old widows have many wrinkles, no job and not much money left.  Why should I get out of bed?  I am glad you are now having a big beautiful life but someday you will be old too. [I] hope you will not be alone.

CAROLE SAYS:

I always appreciate feedback from our visitors; even if it is to express an opposite point of view.  I enjoy the exchange of ideas and perspectives very much and I thank you for your contribution to the "dialogue".

However, in no way, shape or form, do I ever draw any kind of chronological distinction between "young" and "old" - because that distinction has more to do with attitude and very little to do with birthdate.

Should you visit the site again, you may wish to read the Monthly Newsletter from April, 2008 (you'll enjoy the letter from a 85 year old widow).  Please also allow me to point out the following:

• I thank you sincerely for the compliment of being "good looking".  As to my daughter “taking up my time”, the fact is that she is 19 years old, works full time and is a college student.  My daughter does not "take up my time" at all; rather, she comes home long enough to shower and change clothes and we don’t see one another very much.  She is leading her own independent life; which is what children her age are supposed to be doing.  The things that primarily take up my time are things that I have sought out to fill my life. And the best part?  My "job" is spent working with awesome women like you, which is an enormous blessing.
• The unfortunate reality is that the majority of support for widows includes women who are somewhat older - and younger widows feel completely alone; that they have nowhere to go and no one that understands them. I'm working with a large demographic that has not only been all but ignored, but are trying to find support from women who are at about the same place in their lives...raising young children; re-entering the workplace, etc.  That said, I also work with and speak to many audiences where the youngest widows in the audience are in their late 50's.  Without exception, all of them have gleaned much from the uplifting and positive message that we have to offer; mostly because we provide a "roadmap" of what to do now and what to do next on the journey called widowhood - something that EVERYONE can use; regardless of age.  
• Stereotypes are everywhere and widowhood is no exception.  In fact, I was once guilty of thinking of widows in terms of "stereotype" - until I became one and saw how I was being treated simply because I am widowed.  My goal quickly became to break that stereotype wide open. People need to realize that there are eight to ten million young widows in existence with issues indigenous to us as a group; as well the issues that are faced by our slightly older sisterhood. 
• While Widows Wear Stilettos targets the issues that affect widows in a younger age group, the happy fact is that we boast a membership ranging in age from 17 years all the way up to the age of 88 years young...and I work with all of them!  As a society, we are staying younger longer; in body, mind and spirit and I'm delighted to report that I have just as many WWS "Wonder Women" in their 60's, 70's and beyond as I do in the younger age groups.  
• Finally, the reason that I am enjoying a "big beautiful life" is because I made a conscious decision to heal.  Yes, I grieved (which many thought that I didn't have the right to do because my husband was ill for two years, and his death was "expected"), but I also desperately wanted to recover - and now I'm dedicated to teaching others how to do the same.  There's no shame in not wanting to live your life in perpetual mourning.  I also want to point out that you are a very recent widow and you are most certainly entitled to and need to take your time with your grief - there's a huge difference between the few months that you have been widowed and the seven and a half years that I have been widowed. In fact, by the time I had reached my own "six month mark" of widowhood in June, 2001:

Ø  My uncle had very premeditatedly committed suicide ten days prior to my husband’s death;

Ø  I had lost my husband, (December 19, 2000);

Ø  I underwent major emergency surgery three weeks after my husband’s death;

Ø  I lost my father on May 23, 2001.  

Believe me, life wasn't so "big and beautiful" at that season in time.  

Widows Wear Stilettos is my passion and my life's mission.  My primary goal is to help and serve those in need.  Along with my wonderful team, we take joy in being able to do so and will continue to do so as long as the need exists.  It is my fervent hope that if we were not able to provide support to you, that you will be able to locate the support that you seek.  

JUNE, 2008

Dear Carole:

            I am 43 [years old] and am losing my husband to leukemia. He is in palliative care now and I am slowly accepting the fact that I will soon be alone.  It is encouraging to know that there are others that have [gotten] through this and have come out the other side ok.

CAROLE SAYS:

Please accept my good thoughts and wishes for peace to you and your family as you move through this period of your journey with your husband.  As a caregiver, I have been exactly where you are right now; as have many thousands of the women who are members of Widows Wear Stilettos - that moment in time where prayers turn to those of peace for all of you and most especially for your husband.

You are so very wise to join WWS at this time.  When you are ready, you will already have a direction in which to go - a place where you will find thousands of women to support you; along with education and resources that you will find both comforting and helpful.  This is one of the primary reasons that WWS was "born"...to enable the widowed to find what they need, exactly when they need it. 

We do have other members in your situation; those who are not yet widowed, but who are dealing with the terminal illness of their spouses and know what their immediate future holds.  We all hold you in our hearts and welcome you to our WWS "family" of support.

Dear Carole:

I saw your article in Woman's World. I went on your website and just love it. I read  all the letters but I didn't see any like mine.

I was with my husband for 8 years when, without warning, he killed himself in the garage. He was not mentally ill and no one had a clue - he didn't even leave a note. When I think back, he must have had it planned for a while. We had a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is now 8 years old. [I have] much anger toward him and my self-esteem is 
virtually  non-existent.

I felt ready for a relationship, [but] all I have had are a string of first dates. I gave up and haven't dated for 3  years.  The deal breaker is [when dates] ask my marital status. When I [tell them that I am a] widow,  they ask how my husband died.  If I tell the truth, they ask how and why.  Then the “gory details” are asked for, thus ending any chances of me having a good time. If I defer [to give details], it only makes them more curious.

If I ever do date again (I am 45) what do I say [to dates]?

CAROLE SAYS:

First, your anger is absolutely 100% normal and I want you to realize that.  It's also no surprise that your self-esteem took a big hit when your husband decided to take his life - because at the heart of that very sad decision is "what did I do / what didn't I do / what could have I done?".  Please let me assure you that your husband's decision had NOTHING to do with you.  I do want to commend you on having the strength to realize that you and your precious daughter are entitled to "live again", and that living again includes companionship. You decided to heal - a brave decision indeed.

You are really having to deal with a "double-whammy" - first the circumstances surrounding your husband's death; compounded by the apparent insensitivity of people who insist on "details". I can't imagine what that must be like for you; however, should it happen again, I can give you some insight as to how to handle it.

In my dating experience since my husband's death, without exception, EVERYONE has inquired as to the circumstances surrounding my husband's death. I would tell them and they usually responded with "I'm sorry". I then said "thank you" - and that's IT. I would not go into any further details until or unless a friendship were to have ensued.  Why?  Because I'm not compelled to reveal that much of myself that early in the process - besides, the "details" are nobody's business!  If I was pressed for details, such as "How old was he when he died" or "How long was he sick", I will very politely decline to answer and say something like, "I'd rather talk about the present than the past"...and then turn the conversation right back over to him. It worked every time.

You are NOT obligated to provide any details surrounding your husband's death until the time comes that you feel ready to do so. My mother used to tell me that, "just because someone asks a question does not mean that you have to answer it".  These are incredibly wise words. In your situation, if asked how your husband passed away, I would calmly say that, "my husband chose to take his own life".  Again, that's all you need to say. Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity will say, "I'm so sorry", to which you will say, "thank you"...and then move on.  However, if they continue to push you or make you feel in any way uncomfortable, please feel free to say, "I choose not to discuss the details"...and then seriously reconsider ever going out with them again.  If you're deferring creates "curiosity" that is their problem. It is NOT your obligation to satisfy anyone's morbid curiosity; rather it is your companion's responsibility to get a clue and move on from the subject.

Foremost, I don't want you to give up on dating or seeking companionship. Giving up won't ever get you what you seek and what you deserve - and what you deserve is someone who is kind, sensitive and worthy of you and your daughter! 

And just so you won't feel entirely alone, I actually had one date years ago ask me, "Were you still able to have sex with him when he was sick?".  Suffice it to say, I did NOT go out with him again. 

Dear Carole:

I recently became a widow at the age of 41.  I had only been married nine months we had dated for 4 ½ years.  We did not even get a chance to celebrate our first year anniversary.

 I still have the [top layer of our wedding] cake and people say I should throw it away, but I feel like I should do something.  If you could give me any ideas I would appreciate it. 

CAROLE SAYS:

I'm absolutely stunned that anyone would tell you to throw away the top layer of your wedding cake - hardly a supportive or even sensitive suggestion. What would that accomplish?  Do people honestly believe that by throwing the cake away, you'll somehow feel better, or "forget" the day?  Unbelievable.  However, it really makes no difference as to what other people - including me - are telling you.  How do YOU feel about the top layer of your cake? Do YOU want to throw it away?  My guess is no.

There is nothing wrong with commemorating your wedding anniversary; especially under your particular set of circumstances.  Your time together as a married couple was far too short and you have every right to honor and remember your husband and your time with him; both before and after your marriage. 

Do you have a close family member or best friend with whom you might enjoy sharing the cake?  What about getting together with just one or two people that are the closest (and most supportive) and enjoy the cake with a glass of sparkling apple cider.  Yes, it will be wistful and yes, tears will likely be shed - but you will also find yourself enjoying warm memories.  Most of all, you will be doing what YOU want to do; rather than what other people (likely none of whom are widowed) are telling you to do. 

MAY, 2008

 Dear Carole:

My husband died two years ago.  We were happy for 30 years; I was 17 when I married him. I got to hold him and tell him I loved [him while he was] on his deathbed. I'm grateful for everything we had and the time we spent together, but I feel so guilty for the mistakes I made after his death [because] I [have] never been alone in my life.

I met a man three months [after the death] and started a relationship.  I thought it was right, but I feel like I did something wrong.  People say it was too soon.  My husband’s family doesn't want anything to do with me because they say [that] if I loved him, I would not [have] met another man so soon [after his death].  I don't know why I did what I did.  I was scared to be alone and still am today. I feel like I am cheating on my husband, but I loved him so much. 

CAROLE SAYS:

The things people say and the judgment they can cast – this is truly one of my favorite subjects.  Believe it or not, there will come a day when you will laugh about it all - the absolute insensitivity of people is just amazing, isn't it...so much so that I have entire chapters in my book dedicated to these subjects and I talk about it on my CD as well. Believe me, I've heard it ALL!

The bottom line here is that no one has a CLUE as to what you've been through and what you're going through - which makes them ill-equipped to tell you anything. More importantly, and I repeat this constantly ...this is YOUR healing journey.  YOU are in charge.  YOU are the boss.  No one else gets to tell you when or how to be "over it" or resume dating or in general, how to lead your life...and it IS your life!

Let's get something straightened out immediately:  You were NOT and you are NOT "cheating" on your husband and I frankly don't care if you started seeing someone the day after he died. You were a loving and caring wife for 30 YEARS. Now, how many of us, myself included, can say that these days?  Has anyone (in his family or otherwise) bothered to acknowledge your role as caregiver during his illness and wonderful wife for your entire adult life?  Likely the answer is no.  People are generally quicker to criticize than to commend - a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless.  You have my sincere admiration my friend.

Is three months post-loss a little soon to resume dating and / or enter into a relationship?  Yes it is - but NOT because of the reasons you outlined and despite what you may believe or what other people think.  It's a bit soon because you need time to recover from the experience that was the death of your spouse.  You need to get to know this wonderful woman called YOU.  You need and are entitled to time on your own.  Please hear my heart on this...it has NOTHING to do with the love that you have for your late husband, which will never end.  You are going forward with life and that life should include companionship and love.  

I also want to remind you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love that you have for your late husband.  That will never go away.  The heart has a great capacity to love and you are entitled to an abundant life...one that includes love, laughter and happiness. My only concern and what I would ask ANYONE who entered into a relationship soon after the death of a spouse is, are you inviting another into your life for the right reasons, rather than to fill a void (which by the way is a NORMAL reaction).  Whatever the case, we need to rid you of the guilt and the toxic input of people who have no business judging you.  You have NOTHING to feel guilty about!  Let's quit starting sentences with "People say..." and instead begin your sentences (and your thought processes) with, "I have done the very best that I can under some horribly challenging circumstances.  I am stronger than most people on the planet. I have the peace of knowing that I am a woman of character, strength and integrity".  How about that!

Dear Carole

It's been more than 3 years since my husband died.  For the past year, I've tired to be an average person and get involved with church and community groups [and] I haven't found anyone who's interested in me.  For the past year I've tried [internet dating websites], church, community groups and professional groups.  I'm not finding anyone available.  I'm afraid it's me, I'm afraid it's everyone else ... I'm just afraid and discouraged. I just don't know what to do next.

CAROLE SAYS:

I'm glad that you realize that you are too young to think in terms of a life without companionship and yes, even love.  Many in our situation feel that they are either "cheating" on their late husbands or are somehow not entitled to love once again.  Nothing could be farther from the truth and I'm happy to see that you realize that fact.

Somehow, we expect that because we've been happily and successfully married, that Dating World has somehow gotten easier or different.  The fact remains that dating is still a challenge and that there are still some pretty rotten guys out there.  

That said, there are also absolutely wonderful men out there...but you're not going to find them if you quit trying!  By all means continue to keep active in church activities and community groups - you might even think about visiting other churches’ functions as well. Try Christian dating sites and other reputable Internet dating sites. Yes, you will run across jerks and idiots and the dubious letter writers looking for money or U.S. citizenship - but that's what your "delete" button is for. Also, have a double-look at the profile that you post. Do you include a recent picture (absolutely vital if you want to receive quality responses). Is it well written?  Have a trusted friend look it over and make suggestions if necessary.  And it's OK to post on more than one site too!

Trust me when I tell you that I have spent more than my fair share of time on dates with complete idiots - but just as with that winning field goal kick in football when the kicker has missed all of his other attempts...it only takes ONE.  And when you find that ONE...it is SO worth all of the previous effort - the "jerks" will magically disappear from your memory (either that or make for great storytelling at parties).  

APRIL, 2008

Dear Carole

My husband passed away in January, 2008 [and] I have so much guilt about that night. My husband was not able to communicate and it was so hard to tell if he was awake or asleep. I sat with him all day. We also have a [young] son [and] he was with us that night. I left the room and took [our son] to his room to tell him [that there wasn’t much time left]. When [we] came out of the room, the nurse called me in to tell me [that] my husband was gone.

I feel so guilty leaving the room and not being with [my husband] as he was passing. I feel like such a failure to my husband. I feel like a did a good job taking care of him while he was sick and he even told me that I was his angel on earth. I think when the end came I just had such a hard time letting go.  Have you had anyone with this type of guilt?

Thanks for your help and your site has been so helpful to me.

CAROLE SAYS:

Have I ever encountered anyone with the guilt that you’re dealing with now? Without exception, EVERY single widow feels or felt guilt on some level (including me), and it doesn't even matter HOW she lost her husband!  Let's see how we can start to change that.

By your letter, it is clear that yours was a long-term caregiving situation (as was mine).  and we always seem to feel like failures once our husband passes.  Why? Here's how the guilt tends to manifest with widows like us. With all of the loving care that we gave to him - we didn't CURE him.  Even in a situation like mine, where the question of dying wasn't "if", but "when", once my husband passed, I began questioning the care that I had given him for over two years. Then I began to think that because I couldn't "cure" him; I must have somehow failed him.  

Of course we know that couldn't be more wrong. As did all of us, you too did your absolutely utmost to take care of your husband - while having to take care of a child at the same time!  You're not just an "angel on earth", as your husband was so wise to point out - you're a HERO my friend!

I'm also assuming that perhaps your husband was in a coma or semi-coma when you left the room to go talk to your son. It's been medically shown that many patients are still aware of what's going on around them. So think about this - maybe your husband made the decision to "go" when you and your son were out of the room so that the two of you wouldn't have to actually see him die.  This may well have been his gift to the two of you.  My husband died in my then 11-year old daughter's arms and I'm not so sure that would have been his preference; had he been given the choice.  

The other thing that you're dealing with, whether your realize it or not is a "loss of purpose", which I discuss on my CD.  In other words, the illness that presided over every single decision we made every single day of our lives - is now gone.  And we're left to wonder what we're supposed to do with ourselves NOW?

So instead of feeling guilty and lost, let's try instead to gently switch the focus.  I want you to think about this instead - your husband knew that he was surrounded by the love of you and your son.  He referred to you as his "angel on earth", so he was well aware of your love and care for him. Plus - and this is really important - you've been widowed barely two months!  You are brand new on your healing journey and you're still trying to sort through all of the grief, “find your feet” AND continue on as a functioning parent.  You have got to give yourself the TIME to do all of these things.  From one caregiver to another, I applaud you and your efforts; as well as providing what was obviously a very peaceful end for your husband.  Please be assured that we every single one of us had a hard time letting go because we never expected that "last day" to actually arrive - I know I didn't.  So I want you to go to bed at night; content in the knowledge that you did the very best that you could.  He knew that and we do too.

Dear Carole:

I was married for 39 years and was a “Mrs”. Now I don't know if I am "The Widow" or Ms. or Mrs. I have found the companionship of a widower and we have been together for nearly six years but I still don't know what to call myself.

Thanks for your site.

CAROLE SAYS:

            I have addressed this very common question in the past and it remains one of the most common questions that we receive – so the response does bear repeating regularly.

Ms. and Mrs. are both appropriate designations; it is really your personal preference.  However, while you are technically a widow until or unless you remarry, "The Widow" is NOT an appropriate title or designation.  It is a martial status; used mostly when filling out governmental forms.  In other words, I would never want to be referred to as "The Widow Fleet".

MARCH, 2008

Dear Carole,

I saw you on the news tonight and immediately went to your web site. Even though I'm 59 and lost my husband after 37 years of marriage, I don't feel old.  I keep wondering if there is some sort of dividing line between young and old.

CAROLE SAYS:

I do talk about this on the CD because it is such a common question and / or observation….”Am I too old?”. 

As I believe with all of my heart, there is no such thing as “too old” here.  Many have heard me teach that there is no such thing as “qualifying” for young widowhood…it’s not like qualifying for a home loan and it’s not like qualifying for the Olympics.  If you find what you are seeking here – whether it’s support, education, advice, community, making friends with others who understand or just the simple realization that you are not all alone – then you belong here! 

Yes, most of the issues that we address have to do with issues that younger widows commonly face – raising babies, young children and adolescent children alone; re-entering the workplace; the feelings of being marginalized (since most young widows’ contemporaries are either married or “happy singles”), etc. – the simple fact is that there is little support out there for the younger widow and it is the most isolating, lonely feeling in the world…especially when people look at you oddly when you tell them you’re a widow. 

However, and regardless of age, every single one of us who are widowed also have to deal with things such as financial issues, dating and / or companionship issues, familial conflicts, the people around us and so forth.  These issues know no age “boundaries”.  WWS is happy to boast a membership and what we call a “family of support” that ranges in age from 17 years (yes, we do have 17 year old widows) all the way up to 85 years young… and without exception, every single one of these WWS “Wonder Women” have found something here that helped them! 

And so my friend, we welcome you with open arms, open ears and open hearts…and I promise that NO ONE cares about the birthdate on your drivers’ license!

Dear Carole:

I found the website, and read the message board from time to time. I am so glad widows have another outlet.

My husband died in 1993 and it still feels from time to time like I have been punched in the gut.  I was lucky and found a grief support group at the hospital where my husband died. But men are expected to get on with their lives, and women are expected to care for everyone around them. It nice to see someone say, "you need to take care of yourself as well".
            I really do enjoy reading the message board and "Dear Carole".  Even after almost 15 years, I feel better knowing someone else really knows the feelings.

CAROLE SAYS:

            Here at Widows Wear Stilettos, we believe that time tempers pain and pain takes on a different, more “quiet” perspective in our lives…but that it never really goes away.  It’s tucked into a “corner” of our hearts that will always belong to the spouse we loved and lost far too soon.

            On behalf of you and every single member of WWS, I will always and forever be a fierce advocate when it comes to caring about yourself, because that’s often the first point of neglect.  When you take care of yourself in every respect  (for those of you who may have forgotten, that means physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually!), not only are you creating the necessary “building blocks” needed to continue forward on your healing journey, you will also be a healthier and more productive parent to your children; better equipped to help them with their grief…and you will be able to see to all of the other “caretaking” that we as women do on a regular basis.

            Most importantly and regardless of how much (or how little) time has passed since you became widowed, you will always find people here who understand and directly relate to your feelings.  

JANUARY 2008

Dear Carole:

First, let me say that your web site has helped me tremendously in realizing that my emotions and reactions to widowhood are not the least unusual or abnormal.  Many of your answers and advice are exactly what I need to hear.

My husband passed away after a battle with cancer. This was sudden and no one in the family had time to adjust to him dying so quickly.   We had been married for 17 years. He has three grown children and they were not happy that [my husband] divorced their mother and later remarried.  

The real problem is that the will left everything to me; written four years before [my husband] was diagnosed and was not written under any sort of duress.  I am [now] being blamed for this.  [The children] feel that they have the right to come into our home and take whatever they want.  I have repeatedly told them that there are many things that I am willing to give to them; some things immediately and other [things] at a later time when I [am ready to] part with them.  I don't feel I am being unreasonable in my offers of items that belong to their father; however I am unwilling to open the front door and let them [take whatever they want].  In addition, one of the daughters continually asks how much money I got and what my financial situation is.  As far as I am concerned and under these circumstances, my financial situation is none of her business.  

I would just like to know what to say or how to approach this sticky situation without alienating them further.

CAROLE SAYS:

(As to any legal, medical or financial advise, the opinions given are opinions of Widows Wear Stilettos ONLY and should not be construed as directed advice.  Appropriate experts should be consulted).

As I discuss on my CD, the pathetically sad fact is that at the time of a death, many families go completely sideways. It is a pitiful situation and you would be shocked as to just how common your situation is.  

Let's start with the financial aspect.  The bottom line is that your financial situation is none of anyone's business.  Period.  As long as your husband did not make a provision that you are somehow "shielding" and I'm confident that is most certainly NOT the case, you owe no one any explanations.

As to actual items of value (either real or sentimental), it is again up to you to what the children are entitled. For example, items such as photographs that involve their father PRIOR to your coming into his life that they may be in, etc.; their school photos that their father may have had; mementos of when their father and mother were married, etc., can go to them.  And guess what?  When YOU decide to start going through things, then and ONLY then will they receive anything.  You are not obligated to "open your front door" to anyone!  This is an intensely personal part of the healing journey and one that you (and all widows out there) have every right to keep to yourself. 

I also want you to remember that these are ADULTS (at least chronologically) that you're dealing with.  They didn't approve of Dad divorcing Mom?  Sorry, that's just too bad!  If you were married for 17 years, they've had ample time to get over it - this does not give them license to treat you shabbily.  ”Alienating them further" is not an issue, because they are already alienated - a choice that they made at the time of their parents’ divorce.   Whether or not you start handing over property or writing checks, they are not going to become a loving, supportive part of your life.  You will not win any popularity contests with these people.  I do understand that sounds very cold and it's a desperately difficult concept to embrace; nevertheless, you have been through quite enough without having people like this causing you additional pain.  

Dear Carole:

Is it appropriate to invite the ex-wife to your husband's memorial mass? She was married to [him] for [over 20] years.  I was married to [him] for [almost 30] years.

CAROLE SAYS:

I first want to applaud your sensitivity in even asking this question.  It is a very kind gesture on your part to acknowledge [your husband’s] life prior to your time with him.

I believe that it is absolutely appropriate to include [your husband’s] ex-wife at the memorial mass.  She did spend [over 20] years as his wife and as such, no doubt mourns his passing in her way.  You don't have to be buddy-buddy friendly to or with her; just civil...but it would be appropriate and a great kindness to invite her.  However, and as I always teach, you must be true to you and operate within your comfort levels – you are the widow.  If you feel as though she would make a scene or otherwise create an unbearably uncomfortable situation for you or for your family, then the obvious answer would be no; do not include her.  Only you can make that determination and you should feel free to do so.

DECEMBER 2007

Dear Carole:

My husband was killed when I was 38.  I have never had even a hint of another relationship [and] for some of the years since then, I've been fine with that.  My husband and I always talked about the fact that we enjoyed our marriage so much that should one of us die, the other would definitely marry again - but so far the Lord has not brought anyone into my path.  There has been no opportunity!  I still have children at home who need me and love me, and I have my parents who love and support me, but I'M ALONE.  My faith sustains me and I trust God.  But I don't know what to do with the longing and the pain.  I worry that if anyone ever DOES come along, and I get much older, [that].physical intimacy won't be the same-and I rage at the waste.  I could join something like [an online dating site]  but there are lots of reasons not to:

1)  I don't want to "get ahead" of God;

2) I personally know there are some real slime balls on there, and I don't want to have to [deal with it]

3) I would like to have a little bit more [of a] romantic story to tell than, "I met my husband on [a dating site] 

4) It costs money.

Do you have any help or counsel for this?  Just knowing someone else has faced this would be encouraging.

CAROLE SAYS:

My goal here is to help you move forward in ways that I believe you want to move.  G-d does not intend for us to lead a life of emotional or spiritual poverty - we are meant to live a life of abundance and that includes love and companionship.  And those who have had a happy and successful marriage as you have are quite likely to marry again, should they choose to do so.

I have done a significant amount of dating in the years since my husband's death and feel adequately qualified to help you along in this regard.  What I'm hearing is that you'd like companionship but that you're a little scared of what's "out there".  You know what? That's OK! The first step in conquering fear is identifying it.  We've done that...what next? 
Let's quickly examine your reasons for not wanting to venture out - and some of my observations and suggestions:
1) "I don't want to 'get ahead' of God"

You know, I have a wonderful little sign that hangs in my private office that I've had for years.  It reads, "Reach up as far as you can, and G-d will reach down the rest of the way".  In other words, G-d ALWAYS does His part...but you have to do YOUR part as well, and like it or not, that includes putting yourself "out there".  Scary? A little bit...but I promise you, eligible men who are worthy of your time and effort will not line up at your front door.  You have got to make the effort. As great as G-d is, He is not going to "put" people into your path until you get out onto the path!
2) "I personally know there are some real slime balls on there, and I don't want to have to [deal with it]”

You'll get no argument with me in that regard because I've met a lot of them - a tremendous waste of time, energy and make-up to be sure.  But I want you to think back to the days before the Internet; back to the days where we had to date the "old fashioned way".  There were slimeballs around then too and dealing with it back then was a pain in the backside, wasn't it?  It's true that the Internet is rife with idiots, make no mistake. However, as with the winning field goal kick in a football game...it only takes ONE. Just ONE wonderful man - and when you find that one, it makes the "slimeballs" of the world a distant memory...trust me.
3) "I would like to have a little bit more romantic story to tell than 'I met my husband on [a dating site] 

We would all like the "romantic story"...but it's less important HOW you meet someone than the fact that you actually MET someone who is wonderful and worthy of your heart.
4) "It costs money"

Take a little time and do some homework.  Not all sites cost the same and different sites offer different perks.  And there is a site for virtually every religious preference, hobby and interest out there.  For example, you might want to check out some of the Christian websites out there.

Regarding the “years wasted" - I don't want you to think of those years as "wasted" years; however, I do want you to think about this...you can't start to do something "sooner", but you have the power to change tomorrow RIGHT NOW! Make the choice to live the abundant life that I know you want to live.  You have the power and the strength within you to do it! 

Dear Carole

I found your website today, and it was just what I needed.. I have been feeling like I was going backwards in my grief journey.. I love your positive attitude.. and agree we do have to make the choice to live!  Some days for me I do wonder how to do that.  

I am finding it very hard to open my heart to love again.  It all seems so pointless to me at times. I had a life, we made a good team.  And then it is over!!  [My husband] got sick just after our retirement and instead of having fun, I cared for him.  People stay[ed] away cause it is all so hard to watch.

 I was [fixed up with a friend of a mutual friend]. I knew I was not ready [and] I was honest with this [man]  He tries so hard to please me. [but] I [felt that] I was cheating on my husband…that hit me hard  I am moving forward; I do see that [but] I also see [that] I have a long way to go.

Thanks for sharing Carole, you are awesome

CAROLE SAYS:

Thank you for the compliment and I couldn’t be happier that you are a member of WWS!

Let's get something straightened out immediately:  You were NOT and you are NOT "cheating" on your husband  You were a loving and caring wife and caregiver until the end Has anyone  bothered to acknowledge your role as caregiver during his illness and the wonderful wife that you were? Likely the answer is no. You have my sincere admiration my friend.

Please hear my heart on this...becoming involved with another has NOTHING to do with the love that you have for your late husband, which will never end.  You are going forward with life and as I said earlier, that life can and should include companionship and love.  I also want to remind you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love that you have for your late husband.  That will never go away.  However, the heart has a great capacity to love and you are entitled to an abundant life...one that includes love, laughter and happiness. Now if you don't feel ready [for] the gentleman in your life right now, that simply means that it's not time...YET!  Maybe you just need a little more time - which is perfectly okay. Whatever the case, always ALWAYS listen to that little voice inside of you; it will never steer you wrong.  If something doesn't feel right - it's not right.  Don't force yourself and PLEASE don't feel guilty for not wanting to plan a future when you are still “recovering” from your immediate past.  

DECEMBER 2007

Dear Carole:

I'm so happy to have found your website!  The advice and information has been very helpful, not to mention comforting.

My husband passed away [recently] after a [long-term] illness.  Birthdays, at least in our home, were considered “national holidays” and some of our friends are asking if I intend on planning a "memorial" celebration of his life.  While I would like to do this, I'm not sure what to do.  Have you any advice for me?

CAROLE SAYS:

We too are a "birthdays take an entire month to observe"  type of household, so I understand exactly what you're saying!  However, I'm always a little skeptical when I see letters that include the words "my family / friends want me to...."  

When it comes to your husband's birthday, and especially in light of the fact that his passing was recent, let's leave your friends out of this for a moment and let me ask you...what do YOU want to do?  What if you wanted to observe his birthday quietly and / or all by yourself (as I chose to do), rather than have a "memorial celebration" of his life.  You just got finished with a memorial celebration of his life.  It's called a funeral.

If you feel like having a small dinner gathering or BBQ featuring some of your husband's favorite foods and drinks, that would be lovely - but remember, you are still trying to recover from not only the experience of losing your husband, but from having to care for him as well for a long period of time (people tend to forget that part). Don't feel like you have to have a "memorial celebration" with pictures and speeches and the like - you need to continue with the process of healing and the beginnings of moving forward.  I want to make sure that the control and the decision making stays with you and I would encourage to ask yourself what it is that you REALLY want to do - and then follow your heart.  

Dear Carole

My husband died [earlier this year] and we were married for 50 years. When he died I lost all of his military retirement pay. Is there any group of military widows that are fighting to change this situation?

CAROLE SAYS:

The military can be a tricky road to navigate and unfortunately, I am not qualified to give advice as to the machinations and workings of the military and who qualifies to receive survivor benefits and the like. However, and sadly too often, women just simply accept the word "no" at face value; without gathering all of the facts and more importantly, without fighting back.

I would contact Legal Aid, your local Lawyer Referral Service or the telephone book and consult with an attorney who specializes in this area of the law.  Find out what rights you have as the survivor of a military retiree.  Next, go onto the Internet and do some research to find out if there are any organizations ("grass roots" or otherwise) that are working to change the policies concerning surviving spouses.  And ALWAYS...write your congressperson and your Senator - that's what they are there for!  Bring this to their attention; jump up and down and make some noise...you are NOT the only person in this situation.  Particularly in view of the fact that we are headed into an election year AND we are a nation currently at war, yours will be a plight that can and should attract significant attention.

Dear Carole:

I came across your website as I was talking to my recently widowed friend. Her 'mother in law' is in town and I was asking her if there was a term for 'mother in law' after your husband dies.

CAROLE SAYS:

            Your friend's mother-in-law is still her mother-in-law (until or unless she chooses to remarry).  No divorce took place, so all "in-law" terminology remains the correct terminology.  

NOVEMBER 2007

Dear Carole:

I live in Ireland and I have been a widow for the past 14 years.  I think I am emotionally dead. My husband and best friend died in front of me 14 years ago and I think it is only starting to sink in now.  I have had four children to raise (one died) and spent all my time looking after them. My husband was the only person that ever understood me.  {We] were married for 18 years and knew each other 23 years. The only time that I have ever cried for Mick was the night he died. I don’t like to talk about him.  What is wrong with me? Have I blocked him out of my mind?

CAROLE SAYS:

I am thrilled that you are a part of WWS "International" and we welcome you!

I cannot even imagine your pain and the fact that you have survived both the loss of a spouse and a child is testament to your amazing strength.  Yes, I know you may not necessarily feel very strong, but the fact that you found us, you wrote to us and that you are reaching out for support shows just how strong and determined you are.  

You describe yourself as feeling "emotionally dead".  The reasons for feeling this way can be varied, but your feelings may be due to the fact that you were not allowed ample time or opportunity to grieve immediately after your tragic losses.  You don't mention when you lost your child, and the proximity of time between the two losses; however, that's an important consideration.  You may have been "rushed" by well-meaning people around you to "get over it". You may have "put off" your own grief in the interest of work, your other children or both - whatever the reason(s), when grief is postponed or an attempt at circumventing grief is made, sooner or later it will return to "bite" you.  

In addition to our site and our tools and resources, I am a huge proponent of therapy and / or grief counseling and this is something that you may also wish to consider.  If you tried it once and it "didn't work"...keep trying! Look for a therapist that specializes in these particular kinds of loss.  I also want you to check out the Monthly Newsletter archive on the site as I wrote about dealing with "multiple tragedies" earlier this year. 

Dear Carole,

My daughter's mother-in-law died unexpectedly four months ago.  She and her husband had been married for over thirty years.  He began seeing another woman [shortly] after the death.  My question is not related to his right to see this woman and be in control of his new life (although we are concerned about the woman's intentions).  

The concern of the children and grandchildren is that [their father] has so far refused to discuss parting with [his late wife’s belongings].  There is legitimate concern that some of these things may disappear or jewelry may be dismantled and stones removed to make new items for his new love.  He is acting like a smitten teenager and appears to be only concerned with [the new woman in his life] and could care less about his sons who are still in deep mourning over the loss of their mother.

This new woman spends a good deal of time at his house and there is concern over the children having access to their mother's things ---special sentimental items.  How should the children approach their father to ask that they be allowed to go through and choose some special things that belonged to their mother?

CAROLE SAYS:

This is indeed a very sticky problem - but not at all unusual. For many, facing the pain of grief and being alone is far more difficult than simply filling the void with another romantic interest soon after the loss of a spouse.  I have long taught that getting romantically and / or physically involved immediately after a spouse's death is not a healthy decision and that seems to be what is happening here.  Worse, the children are suffering as a result; both from the practical standpoint of the disposition of their mother's belongings and the emotional standpoint of having to "accept" their father with another woman so soon after their mother's death.

I'll start with the bottom line.  The reality is that Dad can't have it all.  I would certainly understand if he were not ready to dispose of or otherwise disburse his wife's belongings at this point - yet he is involved romantically with a woman, whose motives are suspect to the family.  If Dad is "ready" to be involved with another woman, then he is "ready" to allow his children access to that which is rightfully theirs.  He cannot have it both ways...it's either too soon or it isn't.

However, approaching Dad in an adversarial or attacking manner is not going to help things either; it will simply serve to throw everyone on the defensive. I would suggest that all concerned parties (and better they should be children, grandchildren and siblings rather than in-laws) sit down with Dad quietly, calmly and rationally together - a united front needs to be presented.  Acknowledge the pain that they know Dad has endured and that they understand that he is still young and certainly entitled to find love again.  Explain that while they are pleased to see him moving forward (whether they are or not), part of moving forward includes the "go through" process and that there are items of Mom's that they want and deserve to have.  They need to GENTLY point out that if he is able to move forward romantically, he can also move forward practically by allowing his children, grandchildren, etc. access to that which their mother wanted them to have.  In this situation, you don't get to be "over it and movin' on" in one sense (romantically); yet "refuse to discuss" allowing family members access to Mom's belongings. Make it clear that they don't want to take everything that belonged to Mom - just select items.  It would also be reasonable to inquire as to what kind of financially protective measures Dad is taking in regard to the new woman in his life and his financial future - for his sake.  

OCTOBER 2007

Dear Carole:

[I am in] a terrible situation because of [my husband’s] demise and that is [regarding] medical insurance.  Since we owned our own business, we had coverage through that, but COBRA [continuation of insurance benefits] has long since passed. I took on private insurance, but [the premium] increases got so huge that it was impossible to keep.  If something were to happen to me, I do not know what I would do!  How do you manage?

CAROLE SAYS:

The fact is that I "manage" just like everyone else in the United States has to manage. I pay a very high premium every single month (which makes me very cranky) for myself and for my daughter…and that premium has been steadily increasing for the past three years.

That said, being without medical insurance of any kind is akin to playing Russian Roulette with your health and your financial well-being.  It really takes only one illness to wipe you out financially – this actually happened to us after my husband’s death and remember, we DID have insurance!  Do your research and check out as many different plans as possible and in your research, find out what kind of state assistance is offered where you live.  Somewhere, someone has a plan that they can tailor to your needs.  For example, if you are in good general health, you may opt for a higher deductible.  You may also wish to consult with an insurance broker, who can do a lot of this legwork for you and present the best possible option(s) to you.

 Dear Carole

I have been a widow (I hate that word) for only six weeks.   People are already telling me, "You are still young, you can re-marry!"  I am feeling the most pain, panic attacks, dread, fear, ANGER… and nobody understands. I walk into my house where he died and I just stand there. I think, "What do I do next?"

Did you get mad at God? I am a Christian, but I have not been back to church. [Other people are] telling me that he is in a better place and “God needed another angel", [then they] tell me how to grieve and how long to grieve as they go home and hold their husbands.

CAROLE SAYS:

The one thing to remember right now is that you are a brand new widow and that you need to have patience with yourself as you move through the earliest stages of grief. You have sustained a horrendous shock and that's a shock that you're going to need time from which to recover.  Be kind to you right now with good nutrition and adequate rest.  Other than anything that you need to do to generate income to yourself (filing for survivor benefits and / or life insurance claims, etc.), do not worry about any other major decisions right now. Give yourself ample time to absorb the shock that you have sustained. 

Was I angry at G-d?  You'd better believe I was; for a good two years after Mike was diagnosed.  But I eventually came to understand that bad things don't come from G-d.  It's normal to ask, "Why me"...in fact, the next time you visit the site, check out the Monthly Newsletter archive as I wrote an entire newsletter dedicated to that subject.  My job however, is to get you from "why me" to "what now".  

Isn't it so incredibly easy for other people to decide on how and for how long you should be grieving?  Well, guess what?  YOU are the boss here!  This is YOUR healing journey!  No one gets to decide for you how, when and how long it "should" take to grieve.  Happily, you have found a place filled with people who understand exactly with what you are dealing. And yes, people DO say incredibly stupid things at exactly the wrong time...so much so that I have an entire chapter in my book dedicated to it!  For what you are having to deal with from these people, I am so sorry - but trust me when I tell you that you are not alone in that experience. Believe me, I am doing my best to educate the entire world on what to say during times of grief...or more importantly, what NOT to say!

Lastly, not a one of us particularly likes the word “widow” – but you know what?  The word isn’t really that bad.  The experience of widowhood is horrible and it certainly is something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone - but if you look at it correctly, the word “widow” is actually a badge of honor, and I go into that particular philosophy at length on the CD.  Meanwhile, you know that you have found the one place where no one is going to say anything inappropriate to you and most important, everyone understands exactly how you feel!

SEPTEMBER 2007

Dear Carole:

Why do your girlfriends see you as “competition” [since becoming widowed]?  As though I would think to lower myself [in such a way].  It hurts me terribly.

CAROLE SAYS:

When I receive mail like this from our WWS members who have already been through so much, I really just want to gather these other woefully insecure, misinformed, jealous, pathetic women, lock them into a room with me and explain the facts of life to them  ---and none too nicely either.  I actually do address this particular situation in my first book.  Why do people think that because we're widowed, we are all of a sudden lurking in the shadows, ready and waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting husbands and boyfriends of other women.

My sweet friend - how I wish I could answer that question.  If I could answer why some people act like such complete idiots toward my incredible WWS “Wonder Women”, I would undoubtedly rule the world.  We can lump people like those you describe in alongside family members who want to know what the deceased left to them in his will - and they ask this question at the funeral service.  Exactly WHERE do their brains go?!?!

We all know that there are women out there who are very insecure and will always see other women as "competition" in one respect or another; be it appearance, job, social status, financial status - whatever.  Now factor in that you have a huge heart AND these women think that you're the "poor widow" that men are going to feel sorry for and rush to “rescue”…like you need to "play the widow card" to get male attention.  

 I wish I had a better answer for you; other than to say that I too have been in your position many times over – enough times to have warranted an entire chapter in a book! So have thousands of other widows just like you - you are not alone in this particular experience.  Know that these "sad little girls" who now see you as competition are just that..."little girls" who are not worthy of you or your company.  Rather than see you as the model of strength that you are; they prefer to see you as some kind of threat.  Go ahead and let them. You go find yourself other girlfriends here at WWS who will see you for the fantastic person that you are!  

Dear Carole

Do you know if it's normal for Social Security to give you the run around after the passing of a child's father?  We are going through that now since the baby's father was ill for several years [before his recent death]. He was turned down three times for disability from Social Security and now they're delaying [survivor benefits] and saying [that], "there are complications".

CAROLE SAYS:

Please be reminded that as to legal, medical and financial advice, all suggestions are the opinions of Widows Wear Stilettos and should not be construed as directed advice.  Appropriate experts should be consulted accordingly.

Your husband's previous disability and seeking Social Security disability benefits has nothing whatsoever to do with your filing for survivor benefits; both for yourself and on behalf of your children.  These are two separate and distinct issues.  If Social Security is "delaying due to complications", they need to come forth and list specifically what those "complications" are, so that if you are in a position to resolve those issues, you can do so.  Further, you may also be entitled to the Social Security one-time lump-sum death benefit.    If you feel that you have been unfairly denied benefits, Social Security has their own appeals process.  Review their appeals process prior to retaining counsel, to ensure that you even need a lawyer.  Consult your telephone book under "Legal Aid" or "Lawyers Referral Services" and get referrals to attorneys that specialize in Social Security law.   Many attorneys will hold an initial consultation with you free of charge.

**As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  

AUGUST 2007

Dear Carole:

I lost  my  husband  to cancer  a year and 10  months  ago.  My question is, should I move my husband’s pictures and awards out of the living room?  I feel bad about other people seeing  [the awards], but at the same time, I feel that I am doing my husband wrong.  What should I do?

CAROLE SAYS:

The only person who knows when the time is right to move pictures and awards (which is part of the "go-through" process) is you.  If you haven't already done so, that means it's not time to do so…yet.  That day will come and the way you will know that it's the right time is you will wake up one day and you will know.  I know that may sound dumb, but that's exactly how it happens. For example, one morning, I walked into my living room and I just knew that it was time to take my husband's pictures and awards and put them away for our daughter. It happened just like that.  I left everything in its place until I felt that the time had come to do otherwise.

Please don't worry about other people "feeling bad" upon coming over and seeing these things and PLEASE don't let ANYONE tell you what to do in this regard - this is about you and your healing processes. Many is the time that I encourage and remind widows to take and retain ownership of their healing journey and this is one of those times.  Remember, when it comes to matters such as this, it's ALL about your and YOUR feelings.  

Dear Carole:

            My mother is a younger widow. My Dad passed away almost 3 years ago.  My Mom is not doing well, and is treating the people in her life very badly.  We are struggling to help her [but] she does nothing to help herself.  I'm afraid that if something doesn't change soon, she will drive everyone away.  I love my Mom so very much, and I miss my Dad too.  I know the pain is not the same, but we are tired of the emotional abuse she is putting us through.  Do you have any advice?

CAROLE SAYS:

You are very wise in your immediate recognition that Mom's grief is different than yours.  I lost my husband and my father within four months of one another and while the grief is overwhelming in both cases, the "complexion" of the grief is quite different. 

Mom is first going to have to want to help herself and that may require a bit of tough love on your part. Yes, it's sad and awful that your father is gone, but none of you signed up to be whipping posts either.  You are going to have to lovingly but firmly let her know that the time has come for healing and that you will be more than happy to support her in any way possible, but what you will NOT do is allow yourself to be "beaten up" as it were. No one is obligated to put with abuse from anyone for any reason.  And yes, you are correct in that she will drive everyone away if she doesn't choose to change her ways - and that choice can be only hers. 

Most of all, remember that you can lead the horse to water, you can push its head down into the water - heck, you can splash the water all over the horse's face, but until or unless that horse opens its mouth, it’s not going to take a drink.  This may not be the most sensitive simile, but it's certainly applicable.

You have been and are doing all of the right things by your mother, but until or unless SHE decides to help herself, she will drive everyone away - and if you and others allow her to continue to abuse you - well, we call that enabling, and it's not helping her either. Perhaps she is striking out because she feels so isolated...few are widowed at her young age.  Try to direct her to the website and have her go through the entire site thoroughly.  She will find women there in her age group who are dealing with the same loss and pain that she is and it will help her to see that support is available and she is not all alone in her grief

JULY 2007

Dear Carole:

My husband, who has always been in perfect health, died suddenly while running.  It is still such a shock. My [adult]  son is dealing by getting drunk almost every night.  I haven't had time to think about my own grief because I'm so worried about [my son] and his destructive activities.  He still lives at home, but I have little control over him.  What can I do before he really gets into trouble?

CAROLE SAYS:

Your son is transitioning into a world where "everyone has a dad except me" and as you have discovered, that's a tough transition. Going through a "depression" of sorts is to be expected and to this day, Kendall (who just turned 18) still sometimes struggles with her dad's absence; even though it's been almost 7 years (she was 11 years old when her daddy died). However, when the behavior starts to take a toll on the family or becomes destructive in any respect, that's when Mom has to get tough - which is the last thing that you feel like doing, I know. However, you must remember that sometimes, being a parent means that you are not going to be the most popular person in the room and this would be one of those times. 

Here comes the tough love part. Your son is an adult and needs to begin behaving like an adult.  You have suffered a loss too and he should be just as concerned with you as you are with him. This would be an excellent time to let him know that you love him and would love to talk down this horrible tragedy with him, but that his behavior is NOT acceptable - any of it. The excessive drinking is not OK. He needs to be strongly reminded that he is NOT the only one who has suffered a loss and that he is NOT the only one in pain. Sometimes older children need to remember that the world does not completely revolve around them.

One more important point: If you feel that your son's behavior is an endangerment to him, you or anyone else, I don't care how old he is - intervention is necessary. Don't hesitate to do so. I'd rather have a child here to "hate" me in the short run, than suffer dire consequences because I didn't interfere. 

Most of all, please don't feel as though you are the only one to whom something like this has happened - I have coached many widowed mothers in the same way for the same reasons - with excellent results. 

Dear Carole:

I lost my husband in October, 2006. A very attractive man recently asked me out; I went out with him and it was great to feel “alive” again. But it was a bit strange - the feeling of, “Is this okay? Am I cheating?”

CAROLE SAYS:

Are you "cheating" because you went out on a date?  Absolutely positively NO! You are NOT cheating!  

Regardless of religious denomination or the specific words used in the wedding ceremony, the phrase that we need to remember is something to the effect of, “till death do us part”.  Both you and your husband upheld that vow.  Therefore, dating after a spousal death should not and cannot ever be construed as “cheating”. 

Your husband is no longer here and while that is a tragedy, you are also entitled to move forward with your life.  My constant reminder to widows everywhere is that YOU'RE STILL HERE!  This means that you are entitled to a life filled with abundance and that abundance includes companionship.   At the same time, I would also caution that it's been a short time since you've become widowed and to take this major step slowly.  You want to invite another person in your life for all of the "right" reasons; not simply to "fill a void" as many of the widows with whom I work have unwittingly done before they were ready to do so.  

The fact that you are ready to begin dating again is a cause for congratulations – you have come a very long way on your healing journey and to be able to open your heart and your mind to the possibilities of new love is a wonderful accomplishment.  You need to recognize and be proud of yourself for that.

**As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  

JUNE  2007

Dear Carole:

I lost my husband six years ago and I’m still having a hard time.  I just can’t seem to get it together and on top of it all.  I have also started menopause.  I have tried anti-depressants, but I’m afraid of becoming dependent on them.  Since menopause, my depression has been much deeper and I don’t even want to even get out of bed.  Do you have any answers for me? Is it grief or menopause or both?

CAROLE SAYS:

(Please be reminded that as to legal, medical or financial suggestions, all suggestions are the opinions of WWS only and should not be construed as directed advice.  An appropriate expert should be consulted).

I relate to you in more ways than one – not only did I lose my husband six (and a half) years ago, I have been in menopause for 16 years; having had a hysterectomy at the age of 31 years.  So I do understand.

Obviously, I cannot, nor would I ever attempt to "diagnose" a condition or say for certain if you are experiencing menopausal symptoms, depression, if one contributes to the other, etc.  However, I do want you to immediately get help with all of it!  There is absolutely no reason for you to have to suffer – and besides, I can't stand to think of any member of our WWS community in suffering.

Have a frank discussion with your doctor and leave no symptom out of your discussion.  When you and your doctor find a medication that helps you and / or relieves your symptoms (ALL of them), please don't worry about the dependency factor - that's why you’re your doctor is there.  Your doctor will monitor your medication intake and whether or not that intake is appropriate.

As to dependence, let me give you an example. I take HRT (hormone) medication because of the physical menopausal symptoms that I experience.  I have to take it; otherwise, I suffer the truly icky night sweats and hot flashes - so I suppose I'm "dependent" on it.  Is this a bad thing?  No.  It's a medical necessity.

 I'm going to say the same thing to you.  If any sort of medication is helping you, is this a bad thing?  Absolutely not.  It only becomes a "bad thing" if you are exceeding the prescribed dosage or if you are not taking it under a doctor's supervision.  However, that pretty much rings true for any medication.  And P.S…depression is every bit as much a "physical" situation as is menopause or a broken leg or a strep throat...we take medications for those conditions, right?  And of course, you must remember that you should NEVER go on OR off of prescribed medication without consulting directly with your doctor.

Dear Carole:

I was very happy to discover your website and hope that you can shed some light on my situation.

 In January, I lost the love of my life to a heart attack.  He had asked me to marry him and didn't live to see that day.  This brings me to the part that I need help with. Literally from the day that we buried him, [my fiancé’s] family has treated me as though I don't exist and they treat [his ex-wife] as the grieving widow; even though they hadn’t been married for many years.

Please, if you can, explain to me how people can be so insensitive and cruel. My heart was already broken; they didn't need to jump up and down on it too. 

CAROLE SAYS:

            This is one of those letters that first makes me want to cry…and then makes me so very angry; I just want to go into battle on behalf of all of my awesome WWS “Wonder Women”…and you’re one of them!

            As you already know, my new CD deals with the first very painful weeks and months after widowhood. What you may not know is that I also actually DO address those who are not necessarily "technical" widows; that is, they don't have a marriage license.  I also discuss the fact that at the time of a death, many families tend to go completely sideways.  Clearly, that is what has happened here and I've seen this happen so very many times – I’m saddened to say even within my own family. This situation happens often enough that it warranted attention on a CD – that’s how much company you have in dealing with this problem!

            First, let me make it very clear that we at WWS do not operate on “technicalities” because your heart doesn’t operate that way.  Regardless of whether or not you had a marriage license, you were in love with and committed to a man whom you tragically lost far too young.  That means that you belong here with the thousands of women who understand exactly what you’re going through.

Now, onto the really tough stuff…

My sweet friend, I wish I could explain, or even understand myself, what causes people to behave in such an unforgivable and reprehensible manner.  Unfortunately, I don't have a magical answer to that question; except to say that sadly, sometimes you don't discover the depth of a person's true character until tragedy strikes. Even more unfortunate is that due to that "piece-of-paper technicality" (and that's ALL it is), it’s very likely that the ex-wife is going to be treated like the "widow"...even though she and your fiancé hadn't been "married" for many years.

What I can absolutely promise you is that you will always be welcome and supported as a part of the WWS “family” and you will be treated EXACTLY like the widow of the heart that you are…with kindness, understanding, love and compassion. 

**As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  

MAY  2007

Dear Carole:
       My very good friend met her husband when they were in college.  He was [recently] diagnosed with leukemia.  I am no stranger to grief, but this is a completely different situation when it comes to loss. Can you give me any advice as to how to help my friend; [both] now and after her husband passes away?

Thank you,

CAROLE SAYS:

What a wonderful friend you are, to be reaching out on behalf of your friend who is facing such an enormously sad challenge in her life.

My first piece of advice to the friends and loved ones surrounding a caregiver is that as long as there is life, there is hope - especially in the minds of the patient and the immediate family.  If the patient is undergoing any kind of potentially “curative” treatment, and even though everyone else may feel that it may be for naught, the patient and his family still have the hope; the positive expectancy if you will, that the treatments will do some good.

There are those who might be inclined to actually ask the patient or his family, "why go through this; it's hopeless" (yes, people can be THAT insensitive!), when really, all they need right now is unconditional love and support; even if the only treatment is palliative (comfort care). In other words, and to put it bluntly, people should not "bury the breathing". If you hear anyone making such comments – politely and quietly ask them to keep these observations and opinions to themselves. 

See that your friend is eating regularly, even if it's not a lot, and that she's eating as healthy as humanly possible - ironically, hospital cafeteria fare is not the healthiest on the planet.  Offer to run errands for her - trips to the grocery store, dry cleaners, bank, etc. Bring over a pre-cooked meal for her. 

When the appropriate time arrives, you will be able to tell her about Widows Wear Stilettos and direct her to the website and to the other tools of support that are offered.  When she visits the site, she will immediately find that she is not alone as a young widow and that sense of community will comfort her as well.  

I applaud your efforts to make this time in your friend's life as comfortable as possible.  Many tend to shy away from such an uncomfortable situation (ask me how I know!); yet you are instead jumping right in to be a source of strength, comfort and information.  

Dear Carole:

My husband recently passed away and he left [our] children [proceeds in a] life insurance policy.  They are underage and the insurance is not releasing their share [of the proceeds].  How do I go about getting someone to help?

CAROLE SAYS:

            Depending upon where you live, if your children are underage, they generally cannot receive benefits directly.  Benefits are usually held in trust for minors by a trustee (a parent, an attorney, a certified financial planner, etc).  If you are experiencing difficulty with an insurance company, you should consult your state's insurance commissioner, who will be able to assist you accordingly.  

Alternatively, you might consider consulting an attorney who specializes in this area of the law.  You'll also want to make sure that you have any paperwork available that the insurance company needs - for example, most companies will not pay benefits without a death certificate**.

**As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  

APRIL  2007

Dear Carole:
            I am a 36-year-old widow and I am remarrying in six months.  I have two daughters; ages seven years and nine years.  My husband-to-be is a 48-year-old widower with two children; ages nine years and 11 years.  We both lost our spouses to cancer.  Neither of us currently works; however, we both have substantial savings and intend on re-entering the work place within a year.  Can you give any advice on remarriage [as well as] financial and legal concerns?  

Your web site has been very helpful.

Gayle

Dear Gayle:

I have written extensively on the subjects of remarriage and blending families.  I'm happy to share a bit with you.

You are both going to inevitably deal with the “Ghost of Spouses Past”; be they good or bad.  Additionally, no matter how supportive they may appear to be and regardless of how excited they may feel about the prospect of a new life as a new family; on some level, children may see their respective parent as trying to “replace” the absent parent.  While continuing to remember and paying honor to the past that each of you have, it is also up to you to put the past in its proper perspective; making no comparisons between a past spouse and a future spouse (inwardly or outwardly) and taking steps to create the formation of a new family dynamic.

How to handle transitioning the children? No matter how much they profess to love the new person in everyone’s lives, somewhere, in the back of their mind lurks the question, “Is Mommy replacing Daddy?” (or vice versa).  The parent must sit down with the child or children and discuss this very important step honestly; being prepared to listen to and discuss all of the children’s fears and concerns in-depth with an open mind and taking care not to trivialize the children’s genuine feelings.  

You must remember that regardless of age, children are still children when it comes to Mom or Dad.  The parent should gently and lovingly advise their child that while they will always treasure the time that they had with the child's absent parent, that period of their life has come to a close.  While no one will ever truly "replace" the absent parent, it is absolutely acceptable for a single adult to seek love and companionship with another. Children of all ages can also be encouraged to continue to display pictures or other mementos of the absent parent if they wish; in their room at home, or in their locker at school (my daughter does both with my wholehearted support and blessing).  In this manner, the parent is reassuring the child that the absent parent is not being "replaced", and that the child is neither dishonoring nor being disloyal to the absent parent by loving and creating a relationship with a stepparent.

It's important to remember that in any successful family dynamic, there are several “lives” involved: each spouse’s life individually, their life as a couple, life as a family and each parent individually with the children.  Even though there may be the addition of a new spouse, the parent must continue to make the time spent with just the children and the prospective spouse will need to understand this.  At the same time, the parent might encourage the new spouse to also spend time alone with the children.  Without forcing things, it can also be a fun and important time of bonding, where they can start their own traditions and outings.  

You are very wise to each examine your finances and make preparations accordingly.  I am of the very strong opinion that each of you should maintain your own finances each separate of the other, so that if anything happens, you are both protected adequately.  There is also the matter of the legacies that you each wish to leave to your own children and you will need to take that into consideration as well.  You may wish to establish one "joint" checking account together and have one major credit card together.  These might take care of the day-to-day household bills, house emergencies, vacations, etc.  However, for your own financial protection, you'll want to consider maintaining separate credit cards and do not merge your existing accounts.  

If either one of you are receiving any kind of benefits as widow / widower, you may forfeit these benefits upon remarriage.  These benefits may include those paid through an employer (including medical insurance), Social Security or any kind of public retirement system.  This requires careful investigation, as there is no such thing as a "do over" when it comes to forfeiture of these benefits**. 

Dear Carole:

My friend, a lady who was recently widowed, discovered upon her husband's death that he had taken out a 2nd [trust deed on the house] and had accrued $250,000 in credit card debt that she did not know about.  Does she have any way of at least keeping the house?

Mark

Dear Mark:

Laws as to financial liabilities differ from state to state and from country to country.  Your friend should immediately consult with an attorney who specializes in estate matters.  For example, in some states, if the credit cards did not have her name on them, she may not necessarily be liable for the debt incurred.  As to the 2^nd trust deed, the same question applies - was the loan also in her name or in her husband's name alone. Depending on the laws where you live, a loan cannot be secured in the name of someone who doesn't sign the appropriate documents.  Again, an attorney specializing in estate or real estate matters would be able to shed more light on this and should absolutely be consulted**.

No one needs or deserves “surprises” such as these.  Depending on how credit is held or how loans are issued, liability for debt repayment can absolutely extend to a surviving spouse; whether or not they were aware of the debt(s) in question.  This should serve as a great reminder to protect yourself and know your financial “picture” at all times!

**As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should not be construed as directed advice.  

MARCH  2007

Dear Carole,

            First, let me state that I am no stranger to grief. I lost my wonderful son, Jeremy in April, 1998 to a sudden and tragic car accident. He was 23 and lived at home with my husband and me. Losing him nearly killed me. Then on December 15, 2004 my husband Jerry passed away from liver cancer. We were married for 33 years. Again I was devastated, but I knew I had to continue on.

In July of 2006 I met a widower and we seemed to hit it off so well. I have fallen in love with him and he says he loves me.  His wife of 28 years died from pancreatic cancer in September, 2004. He has her ashes on his fireplace along with two pictures of her and a heart that says, “I love you”.  He asked me to join him on an annual walk for pancreatic cancer, which I did. He wore a sign [that read] "For My Honey". He has a closet with her clothes in it - this is a different house so I know he moved her clothes with him.   

 I was going to stop seeing him, but he told me that he loved me, [that] the past was the past and he was ready to move on. {However], it seems that he will always keep his wife alive.  I feel very alone again and I feel like giving up.

 I was very happy to find [the website]. I think what you are doing is wonderful.

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn:

            Thank you for your kind words and I’m glad that you found us as well.  To have survived not only the death of your husband, but the loss of your precious son Jeremy is great testimony to your determination to move forward with your life. I stand in awe of your courage.

            Let’s get to the very difficult subject at hand – your new love.  Unfortunately, despite the fact that he says that he is ready to move on and that the “past is the past”… he is not ready to move on… because he hasn’t moved on.  It’s one thing to keep memories alive (and I’m all for doing so); it’s quite another to have his late wife’s clothes hanging up in a closet in a new house. 

            I don’t doubt that he wants you in his life, but I would question the reasons as to why he wants you in his life.  As you may know, I’m fond of the phrase, “plugging holes” and that seems to be what is happening here.  Rather than face life alone or face the pain of his loss, he has instead “filled a void” – with you.  You are being made to compete with a ghost…the “Ghost of Wife Past”, if you will, and it’s a competition that you can’t win.  All the “shrines” in the world are not going to bring his late wife back and such any such “shrines” will serve to continue to make you distinctly uncomfortable – with good reason.

            Were you to visit my home, you would see very subtle “tributes” to my late husband.  For example, in my curio, there is a statue of a horse wearing a police cap, saddle blanket and little handcuffs in its mouth (so cute!), which is a tribute to Mike’s amazing career as a police officer.  There are pictures in my daughter’s room of her daddy as well. At Christmas, we always include Mike’s favorite ornaments on our tree – these some of the  lovely and understated ways that we honor Mike’s memory.  However, his clothes, jewelry, coffin flag and other memorabilia are safely packed away for Kendall and for her children – not on prominent display throughout the house. 

            Can you still love your late spouse and love someone new as well?  Without a doubt, of course you can.  However, I also believe that Marilyn deserves to have someone’s full attention, as well as their healed heart and your man has some healing yet to do.  The time has come for you to have a quiet, rationale discussion with him – no hysterics or accusations please.  Let him know that you not only understand his pain, you completely sympathize with it as well…you’ve been there!  However, it is also clear that he has not left the past “in the past” as he says, and he may need time away from you to do just that.  He may protest, but until or unless he is ready to make you his number one lady, he needs to resolve the grief issues that he has before he continues forward with you.        

Dear Carole:

            My husband passed away on October 10, 1006 after 28 years of marriage.  I had to make the decision to remove him from life support [in accordance with] his wishes. I was initially led to believe that he was going to get better, until ten days later, when the doctor said that he would not [recover]. I am not sure that I made the right decision.

            Debbie

Dear Debbie:

            I do not believe that there could be much worse in this life than to be left to make the heart-wrenching decision to end life support for a spouse.  What amazing strength you have shown.

While it is perfectly normal to “second guess” such a decision, the facts are these:  First, doctors would not have permitted the cessation of life support unless there was absolutely positively no possibility of medical recovery.  Despite what people may think or what television soap operas may lead you to believe, we don’t have the power to simply shut off a switch, as it were.  Secondly, and more importantly, you honored your husband’s wishes. 

Do you understand just how courageous you are to have made that decision?  Do you understand that you did exactly what your husband wanted you to do? No one  - absolutely NO ONE - wants an “existence” that includes machines breathing for them and being fed through or with tubes – it’s not living. 

            You know, when my husband was initially diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease, just like everyone else out there, I jumped onto the Internet to find out what we could do.  I discovered that with the introduction of a ventilator / respirator and placement of a feeding tube that my husband would “never die”.  I was thrilled with this information – until my husband informed me quite calmly that he had absolutely no intention of allowing such “intervention”.  That made for quite a lively argument!  However, two years later, when we reached the end of his illness, and when he was so obviously suffering, I fully understood his decision not to have any kind of life support – for you see, at that point, he could not speak, eat, or breathe on his own comfortably.  As horrendously difficult as it was, I respected his wishes fully. 

            Debbie, this is also what you have done.  You did the most difficult thing in the world by putting your own grief and feelings second and honoring your husband’s last request.  Yours is not to feel guilty or to wonder if you made the right decision.  You need to rest in the knowledge that you were there until the end and you did exactly what you were asked to do. 

January 2007

Dear Carole,

Right after my husband died, a co-worker sent out wedding invitations. An older widow was also invited.  Her invitation was addressed as Mrs. John Doe and mine was addressed as Ms. Jane Doe.  I've also heard of young widows receiving cards addressed to “Ms.” with their MAIDEN name!   

When I bring this up I usually get a look as if I’m not “over it” yet.  I realize that some widows prefer to be addressed as "Ms." (I have noticed that you use Ms. on your website) however, it hurts me.  I guess this could keep happening until remarriage (if it's in the stars).

How can young widows diplomatically let people know that they would prefer not to be addressed as "Ms." Jane Doe? 

Joy

Dear Joy:

Let's start with the bottom line - if something is hurting you, you have the right to put a stop to it. Keeping in mind that no one is intentionally setting out to hurt you, at the same time, they may not know what is considered proper "etiquette" either.  

Most people don't realize that the prefix "Ms." was originally designed and intended as a way to address a woman if you didn't know her marital status. I've learned that people generally don't know WHAT to do with young widows!  That's why the older widow you mentioned was addressed as "Mrs." and you are being addressed as "Ms.".  

Wait for remarriage?  What if you choose not to remarry...does that mean that you should keep having your feelings hurt?  I don't think that's any kind of solution - and I have honestly NEVER heard of anyone using a widow's maiden name...that was a new one on me and I would definitely take issue with that.

The word "diplomatic" is important and you are wise to use that approach. A gentle correction is fine - just let people know that you prefer to be addressed as Mrs. rather than Ms. If people look at you like you're not 'over it' as you say…let them look!  These are your feelings we're talking about and you have every right to them!  The fact is that most people don't know what to do or say when there's been a death and it's much easier for THEM if you are "over it".

I receive designation as both "Ms." and "Mrs." and it has honestly made no difference to me at all. However, those are my feelings...not Joy's feelings, and if you don't like Ms., than by all means, let people know.

Dear Carole:

Today is the first day I found your web site. I think it is absolutely wonderful.  I lost the love of my life on August 29, 2004.  Gregg was 49 when he died three days after receiving a heart transplant.

What I want to know is, how long is it "proper" to wear your wedding ring after your husband dies?  I get comments from friends and family that I should stop wearing mine because it's been a little over two years [since Gregg’s death] and I should be over everything by now. I feel in my heart that we still are and always will be married. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

I appreciate any advice you can give me. 

Mary

Dear Mary:

Let me ask you this:  Out of all of the “friends and family” who are telling you that you should quit wearing your rings because it’s been two years and you should be “over it” by now…how many of them are also Gregg’s widow and have endured the suffering, the pain and the loss in the same way that you have?

I’m guessing the answer is just you.  That means that no one else is qualified to dictate to Mary when she should be “over it”.  Period.

I have written extensively regarding people who fancy themselves all-knowing experts on the subject entitled, “You and Your Pain”.  Whether intentional or otherwise, these people are capable of causing us widows plenty of headache and heartache. Just by nature of the fact that you are questioning the propriety of wearing your rings means that these people have collectively caused you to doubt your own judgment, rather than support you in your decision-making process.

Some widows remove their wedding rings immediately.  Others never remove them at all.  I personally chose to take “baby steps”, as I did with all aspects of my healing.  Several months into my journey, I moved my wedding rings to my right hand.  Even though I was moving forward with my life, wearing the rings on my right hand continued to provide me with comfort.  I wore my rings on my right hand for about three years after Mike’s passing (and yes, I continued to wear them on my right hand even after I started dating again and subsequently became seriously involved with a man).  I removed the rings when I was ready to do so and not one second before.  Those rings are now are put away for Kendall, along with Mike’s wedding ring.

Mary, there is no “proper” time to take off your rings.  There is no “right” or “wrong” here and the decision will and must be yours.  There are only two factors that you may wish to consider:

1.  Should you eventually meet someone, the presence of rings on your left hand may become a touchy issue at some point; a new man may think that you have been unable to “say good-bye” and are unable to move forward from your husband’s death.  As he will need to be sensitive to your feelings and justifications behind your continuing to wear your rings, so then must you be sensitive to his feelings as well. 

2.  If your engagement and / or wedding rings were heirlooms from your husband’s side of the family, it might be appropriate to at least make the offer to return the rings to his family.  They may likely refuse the jewelry, but I believe it to be the proper gesture to make.

As I advised our friend Joy in the first letter, people want you to be “over it” because it's easier for THEM if you are "over it". These are Mary’s feelings that we’re talking about here.  So, other than the two considerations that I just outlined, if wearing your rings brings you peace, comfort, joy or whatever it is that you seek as you progress on your healing journey (and it is your healing journey) – you wear those rings my friend! 

January 2007

Dear Carole,

I lost my husband in December 2004 after complications from a simple surgery.  He was 47 and I was 48 with two sons, ages 22 and 24.  We were married 27 ½ years.  He was my soul mate, my best friend, and my partner for life.  I thought my life was over, but with my faith, family, and friends I started a new life without him.

Last May I met a widower and fell in love.  He asked me to marry him, next July.  I thought I was over losing my husband, but found myself comparing everything to him.  We just broke off the engagement.  This opened up the wounds of losing my husband all over again.  I need some advice on starting over again.  Thanks.

Opal

Dear Opal:

            You are to first be congratulated for having the determination to move forward with your life.  As we all know, this takes great courage; as does making yourself emotionally available to another, in order to fall in love once again.

            What happened to you is not at all uncommon.  You may have heard me speak about the “fog” that we’re in after our husband’s death – an anesthesia of sorts against the shock that we have sustained and the pain that we are suffering as a result.  Sometimes, it’s not until the introduction of a new person into our lives that the “anesthesia” begins to truly wear off, the “fog” begins to lift and the pain of the reality of the loss sets in. 

            Let’s also address another common phenomenon – one that I have written about and lovingly entitled, the Ghost of Husband Past.  I have found one very common denominator among widows – our late husbands never did anything wrong – ever!  He never left the seat up, he always called when he was going to be late, he never left his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor or hogged the remote control …the Ghost of Husband Past was perfect in every way and anyone that comes along after the Ghost of Husband Past will never measure up.

            Now we all know that’s not exactly accurate.  Of course you want to remember the good qualities and the wonderful times that you had with your late husband – but you must also remember that he wasn’t without flaw or fault.   Of equal importance is realizing that it’s unfair to expect anyone to “compete” with the Ghost of Husband Past – because he will not be able to do so.  Have you ever compared yourself to women in the fashion magazines?  When we do that, we are comparing our weaknesses with what we perceive to be their strengths.  The same train of thought applies here - when we do the comparison-making between New Man and Past Love, we are comparing New Man’s weaknesses to our late husband’s strengths.  As natural as it may seem to be, you can’t use your late husband as the “yardstick” against which everyone else will be measured.

            You were wise in calling off your engagement for now, in order to take the time that Opal needs to truly recover.  This doesn’t mean that at some point in the future that you won’t remarry – it just means that right now was not the right time for you, and you’re smart to acknowledge that.  I always remind widows that if you feel as though you’ve moved too quickly in any part of your recovery, back up and take the time off that you need for YOU!  

Dear Carole,

While I have no specific question, I just wanted to say "thank you" for such a welcoming and practical website!!  There is a lot of wisdom out there regarding a death of a spouse, but yours is practical, friendly and very much like sitting at a kitchen table over coffee with a friend. I lost my Jack in September 2006 after a long and debilitating disease.  We had only been married for a year and 10 days. 

Thank you….many times over.

Lyndi

 Dear Lyndi:

            Thank you for your kind words.  This is exactly what we sought to achieve with the book, the website, the workshops and future WWS projects that are in progress – a sense of community supported with sound advice and guidance; encouragement and support.  Unfortunately, I can’t have every single one of you over for coffee (though it sounds like a wonderful time!), but to me, this was the next best thing…creating a network of love, support, encouragement and understanding among a very special group of women. 

 One of the most prevalent feelings that we experience after losing our husband at a young age is complete isolation – like no one else gets what it is you’re going through.  There’s good reason for that….no one else gets what it is you’re going through!  The exception, of course, are the wonderful women that you meet right here.  Everyone here “gets it” and we are all, every single one of us, here for one another.

December 2006

Dear Carole:

I recently lost the love of my life. We have always sent out an annual Christmas letter to family and friends and many of our friends live some distance away and do not know of David's death. I sit at my computer and have no idea how to even begin. Perhaps I should just send cards this year and add a few handwritten notes to those that need to be informed? I would love some input as to how others have handled this.

Thank you for any suggestions. You have a lovely site and I will visit often.

Sincerely,
Carole F.

Dear Carole:

Our family was just like yours and many other families, in that we also sent an annual letter letting everyone know of the goings-on in our home during the previous year.  I stopped those letters once my husband became ill, which was two years prior to his death.  Since he died so close to Christmas, we actually didn't send cards the year of this death.  We resumed the card / letter tradition three years after Mike's death, and that timing worked well for us.  For others, the timing may work well sooner - or later still.  There are no hard and fast rules here; this is about what makes you comfortable and what you feel is appropriate.

I personally believe that your idea is great - send cards this year and include a short, handwritten note to those people who may be unaware of David's passing.  In addition to those handwritten notes, you might send a letter, but rather than the usual “holiday letter stuff”, simply thank everyone for their love, support and assistance during your time of mourning and wish everyone a happy holiday and peaceful New Year.  You can keep it lower-key this year (believe me, people will understand) and then re-evaluate your feelings next year as to whether you want to resume your newsletter.

Readers, if you have any suggestions that you’d like to send to Carole F., please write to Carole@widowswearstilettos.com  and put “Suggestion to Carole F.” in the subject line.  We will make sure that she receives your note!

A VERY SPECIAL RESPONSE TO VERY SPECIAL “WIDOWS”

I have received a large number of letters that have all asked essentially the same question:  Who “qualifies” as a widow?  This question has been come from girlfriends, fiancées’, life-partners – even divorcees.  Rather than single out just one letter, I want to send a response to all of you who might not necessarily be considered “widowed on paper” – but are certainly “widows of the heart”.

Are you a "widow"? The answer is no....and yes!  You are not considered a widow for purposes of any kind of survivor benefits that are issued by governmental entities.  If you are unmarried, you can generally benefit financially only if your partner made written provision for you to do so, through a will or a life insurance policy.  

Otherwise, you are absolutely going through and have gone through much or all of the same emotions that your widowed sisterhood have experienced and are experiencing.  You may not "technically" be a widow but since when is love governed by technicalities?  Devoted love, abiding love, committed love….is love, no matter what is or is not on paper. And if love is love, then loss is loss. In your heart, your loss is no less than mine or anyone else who has lost a spouse, and that loss should not be diminished or trivialized simply because of the lack of a marriage license. 

I want to strongly encourage you to continue to visit our website to receive the support and encouragement that you deserve!  Trust me, regardless of your “technical” marital status, you will always be supported and welcomed with open arms.

November 2006

Dear Carole:

This website is such an incredible gift to us recent young widows.  Your words described exactly how I feel.  Bob (and his illness), has been my one and only focus for the last year and a half.  And then poof!  Everything is gone. What I am having the most trouble dealing with is everybody's willingness to forget Bob.  I know this may not be how they perceive their reaction, but it makes me so angry when people flinch when I mention Bob's name.     

I am trying so hard to nurture myself right now.  It is difficult to put my own priorities first, especially when I feel so lost and getting through the day is a big enough challenge by itself.  I am consumed by grief; it is such a terrible feeling of helplessness.  I just don't know who I am anymore.  

Many thanks again for providing this support group and safety net.  It’s also reassuring to know this crazy mix of emotions running through my head is completely normal.  

With gratitude, 

Meghan

Dear Meghan:

            The first thing that I am always quick to do is to reassure that you (and all widows everywhere!) are 100% “normal” – in your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings and your grief.  The reason that your life doesn’t necessarily feel “normal” is because this is an experience that you’ve never had before…it’s hard to figure out what “normal” is right now, isn’t it?

            When you lose a spouse after illness, there are actually other, less apparent losses involved as well.  After dealing with catastrophic illness, you also experience what we call  “loss of purpose”.  Bob’s illness literally dictated every moment of your day; from when (or sometimes if!) you ate a meal to when you could leave the house.  Then one day, the illness is “gone”.  The very thing that has governed every movement that you made on a daily basis is no longer there…and now you have no idea what to do with yourself, or even what life was like before the illness struck your household.

            Another loss with which you may be dealing is a loss of hope.  If the illness with which you were coping involved treatments, surgeries or “experimentals” and the like, that means that there was an expectation (conscious or otherwise) that your husband would recover…or at the very least, be around for a good while.  When that doesn’t happen, in addition to dealing with the loss of your husband and the loss of purpose, you are also wrestling with a loss of hope; a feeling of “what was the point of all of going through all of this?”

            People may “flinch” at the mention of Bob’s name because it’s a general fact of life that people are (a) uncomfortable with the topic of death in any way and (b) just plain don’t know what to say to you (when people forgot that the words, “I’m so sorry” are truly sufficient, I do not know).  They really haven’t “forgotten” Bob…however, it’s much easier for everyone else to “move on” with their lives than it is for you – they aren’t the widow and they were not and are not affected the same way. 

            Continue to nurture yourself.  It’s very important that you take care of Meghan right now in every way possible – ample rest, good nutrition, and a little bit of exercise.  Most

importantly, please remember that recovery is a baby-step process…allow yourself the TIME to do so.  You may feel like you don’t “know yourself” right now this minute…but trust me, Meghan will resurface – and she’s going to resurface stronger than ever!

Dear Carole:

I'm not sure if I'm a widow or not - my husband and I were married for 28 years; divorced for 3 - during the three years of divorce we remained the best of friends, had daily contact and were a support system for each other.  We talked of reuniting again.  He died of a heart attack on September 2.  I found him in his home.

In reading the Message Board, I feel the same things as others who write about their loss, their fears, their denial, and so on.  There is a big wound inside that I hope time will heal.  Aside from missing the person you love, death creates major change in our lives as well, and this in itself is scary.

Your site is wonderful; even the name encourages that there is a life afterwards.

Sharon

Dear Sharon:

            Let's address the "practical" first.  I know it's the last thing that anyone wants to talk about, but we need to do it anyway.  If you were married for 28 years, you may be entitled to Social Security benefits and yes, they will consider you a widow.  Please go to www.ssa.gov  OR go to the front of your telephone book under "Government Agencies" and contact the Social Security Administration.  Your entitlement to benefits will be based on several factors, including your age, your income and the age(s) of any children that you have. The worst thing that can happen is that they turn you down or turn you down "for now", but tell you that you're eligible at a later time.  DON'T PUT THIS OFF!

Now, on to Sharon:

Are you a widow?  Absolutely.  Does a divorce judgment define or negate 28 years of a life built together, and a life that was you were planning to resume together?  Absolutely not. Of course you feel the same feelings that you saw posted on the Message Board – why wouldn’t you!  You’ve experienced the identical loss that the rest of us have experienced…that’s not “magically erased” with a piece of paper that says “divorced”.  You are without a doubt, “wounded”.  Now let’s factor in how recently all of this occurred, as well as the fact that you were the one who found him in his home.

You are quite correct; death does create major change and any kind of change is scary.  Sometimes, we even choose to stay miserable in our lives rather than change…rotten jobs, toxic relationships, etc. It’s human nature to remain the same until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change.  Now let’s take a look at this change. The death of a spouse is “forced” upon us.  Not one of us chose this particular path and / or wanted this kind of change in our lives.  This is undoubtedly one of the most terrifying changes in life that you will ever face.

Sharon, you are absolutely right – there IS indeed life after the death of your spouse.  I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again (because it bears a lot of repeating)…will you have the same life as before?  No.  Will you feel better immediately?  No.  Can life again be wonderful?  Absolutely!  The wound that you are feeling will never go away entirely…but with time and patience with yourself and with the process, I promise that it will become easier to bear.

October 2006

Dear Carole:

My husband passed away on June 18, 2005. We were married thirty years. I have two adult children and I am forty nine years old. My husband passed after an accident at work.  I feel so alone in whatever I do. I have only a few close friends because I stayed at home for years running our dairy farm and now I am a waitress. My biggest fear is losing the quality of life my husband and I had lived. My husband's retirement wasn't received because he had been at his job only eighteen years.  I own a farm and my son takes care of that because he enjoys it and it helps pay my  mortgage.

How do you meet new people without changing the quality of life and the values you have worked to obtain?  Hopefully a little insight will give me some new direction.  

Cindy    

Dear Cindy:

The first thing I would remind you is that it's only been just over a year since your husband's death.  This journey takes TIME and unfortunately, there is just no substitute for taking that time to further your healing.

When you speak of "losing the quality of life" that you and your husband built, are you referring to finances?  Emotions? Spirituality?  How about all three!  Will life ever be the same as it was before?  No, it won't.  Can life again be wonderful?  You'd better believe it. It will be different, but given TIME and an open heart, you WILL get there, I promise

Here are a few suggestions:

1.  The "close friends" to whom you referred - stay close to them!  Plan "girls nights out" with them - movies, dinner...whatever you'd enjoy.  Will they relate directly to your pain?  No; not unless they themselves are young widows.  But if nothing else, you will be "out and amongst 'em" and enjoying yourself

2.   Do you have a favorite hobby or pursuit - perhaps something you had to put on the back burner to raise children and / or run the farm.  How about taking a class at your local community college once a week, taking the dance class, learning all about pottery - whatever it is that you love and perhaps haven't gotten to do.

3.  Meeting new people who have the same "values and quality of life" as you is as simple as putting yourself where those people are!  Get busy at church, synagogue, volunteering . . . whatever your passion is that helps to enhance your particular set of values.  

4.  Continue to seek support for yourself from people who know EXACTLY what you're going through.  Make frequent visits to this site for example and avail yourself of other sites, books, etc., that will help you on your healing journey.

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