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WELCOME TO "DEAR
CAROLE"
How are you
feeling right now? Overwhelmed? Confused? Perhaps like you don’t
know where to turn, what to do now or what to do next. What sort of
questions do you have? There are others out there just like you
with the same questions, thoughts and feelings, and we’re here to
help!
Write to
“Dear Carole” at
Carole@widowswearstilettos.com**
for answers to your questions…from the practical (how to transition
legally and financially) to the emotional (helping you and / or your
children), to the downright sticky or puzzling (the “proper” things
to do). You may even see your question answered right here!
PLEASE NOTE:
Due to the amount of mail that we receive (approximately 800 to 1000
letters per week), it is impossible to guarantee a
personal response. However, be assured that each and every
letter is read and that we endeavor to answer as many as possible.
**As to legal,
medical and financial questions, the opinions expressed by and
through WWS are based upon information and belief only and should
not be construed as directed advice.
AUGUST, 2008
Dear Carole:
I
lost my husband [almost] four years ago. The first year was hard
but I found the second and third years even worse. It seems as if
the longer they are gone, the more you miss them. When does the pain
go away? Sometimes I feel like I’m actually going backwards and
that it will never be any different.
CAROLE SAYS:
One of the reasons that
you may feel worse as time passes, or as though you're "going
backward" is that the "fog" that I constantly talk about – the
“anesthetic” that has cushioned you against the shock of your loss –
has begun to wear off. As life resumes, the "fog" begins to lift
and the pain becomes more real. Things like financial matters,
transitioning your children into a life without Daddy and returning
to work can all serve to postpone the facing of our own grief, with
which you may just now be starting to cope.
Another reason that you
may be feeling your emotional pain even more acutely with the
passage of time is that you did not allow yourself adequate time to
heal initially. There is no shame in that of course, but as my
mother used to tell me…if you “skip over” any part of your life, at
some point in time, you will go back to retrieve it. This is what
you may be experiencing now.
For whatever reasons at
the time – it was too difficult for you to be alone; a well-meaning
friend or relative told you that you should be “over it” already;
you “busied” yourself to distraction with work, children or both –
you were not permitted to truly grieve and accept that which had
happened to you.
Ever hear the phrase,
“back to basics”? This is what I’m going to encourage you to do –
go back to the “basics” of healing. Even though you may be further
past your husband’s death in terms of chronological time, you may
very well need to re-visit the very basic first steps of healing –
and there’s no shame in that either!
If you feel that all
else has failed and that despite all of your best efforts to seek
support, take advice and implement suggestions, you just can’t seem
to move forward in a healthy and positive way…get help!
You don’t have to do this all by yourself. While continuing
to surround yourself with the support that you need, you should
consider consulting with your doctor as to therapies and different
alternatives that will best serve you and your needs right now.
Dear Carole:
I became a widow at 37
years old [and left with] with three children. [My husband] was hit
by a car, in a coma for eight days, and then I had to withdraw life
support; [which] was his expressed wish in his Living Will.
It's been - well, as
you know...hell. I thought by now it'd be getting more stable and
that I'd be back to my old self, but I get hit HARD with setbacks.
Plus I have a very controlling and odd situation with [my
husband’s] family. I STILL face constant confrontation from [one
particular family member].
I only want to begin to
move on peacefully; to regain happiness and a sense of stability. I
am not great [with] confrontation and I'm very sensitive. I'm still
very broken and healing. I need help.
CAROLE SAYS:
I don't know of many
people who like confrontation less than I do. I'm a very outspoken,
strong, "spunky" person with a whole lot of moxie...but I can't even
watch "reality" television because I can't stand confrontation!
That said, if I'm backed into a corner by anyone...watch out!
You must now consider
yourself "backed" into a corner of sorts. [The family member]
staying in touch periodically and sharing fond memories while
continuing to heal and move forward is one thing – [intentional
confrontation] is quite another. [They] may need to seek
professional help and there's nothing wrong with that at all - but
[they do] not get to make you miserable in this process.
I know that you don't
like confrontation and yes, you've been through quite enough.
However, it's time for you to be in charge, don't you agree?
Nothing will change if you don't assert yourself and put a stop to
this. It's time for you to find your voice. It's time for you to
get a little bit cranky and a lot determined to take back YOUR life
and YOUR healing journey. You can be controlled only if you
allow the control to be assumed.
Is there another family
member that you can speak with about this behavior? If so, that
might be an avenue for you. If not, it's time to disconnect. Change
your telephone numbers and email address if you have to - but the
time for inaction has to come to an end. Quit giving away the power
that you're giving - it's holding you back from moving forward to
that place of peace that you're seeking.
JULY,
2008
Dear Carole:
It has been 14 months
since my husband died. His brother cremated and buried my husband
while I was out of town to bury my grandmother. What can I do about
what [my husband’s] brother did to me and [to] my daughters?
CAROLE SAYS:
(As to legal, medical and financial questions, the opinions
expressed by and through WWS are based upon information and belief
only and should not be construed as directed advice. Appropriate
experts should be consulted accordingly).
I'm very unclear as to
your brother-in-law's rights to do what he did. However, in
addition to your brother-in-law, I would also definitely take issue
with the cemetery / mortuary for allowing a cremation to take place
without notifying you at the very least. Start by asking what proof
was requested by the cemetery / mortuary demonstrating that the
brother-in-law HAD the authority to grant permission for cremation.
As to your rights, this
is a highly sensitive matter and one that will definitely require
the input and / or assistance of an attorney. You will need to
consult an attorney who specializes in estate matters. Don't forget
to mention the cremation without your knowledge or consent because
you were out of town on yet another bereavement. Regardless of what
the law(s) are where you live, this is absolutely unconscionable to
me and you have every right to be angry, disgusted and hurt.
I know that practical
matters can be both overwhelming and time consuming; however, you
cannot wait on this. You need to know exactly what your rights are
and what legal recourses are available to you. Should you decide to
proceed with a lawsuit, there are strict time limitations as to when
you can do so - and when that time has lapsed, it has lapsed - there
are no "do-overs" or "oh, I forgot" when it comes to the law.
Dear Carole:
I
am a recent widow and have been dating a man for six months. We’ve
decided to marry next year. I thought [that] I was OK with it
because he makes me so happy. Tonight the issue of taking his name
came up and I’m having a hard time. It’s not that I don’t want to
take his name; it’s that I’m having trouble losing my husband’s
name. Maybe all this is too soon. Help!
CAROLE SAYS:
Let’s start with your
very last sentiment, “maybe all this is too soon”. If the “little
voice” inside is causing you to question yourself or the timing of a
remarriage – step back! Take an honest re-examination of the
reasons that you are getting married. While he may make you very
happy and that is wonderful, are you remarrying for the right
reasons? Or is it because it’s just too hard or hurts to be alone?
I have received
literally hundreds of letters like yours; where widows find
themselves in relationships or engaged to be married or already
remarried and too late they feel that they may have “jumped too
soon”. It is perfectly acceptable (and very smart) to wait awhile
to make absolutely sure that this is the right person for you and
that your reason(s) for remarrying are the right reasons.
As to the question of
your last name, consider hyphenating your current last name with
your new married name. Many widows have done this; especially when
there are children involved. Let your intended know how you feel
about having to choose between your late husband’s name and his and
that you are thinking of hyphenating the two. You should be
received with an attitude of compassion and understanding.
Remember, just as I
encourage widows to take their time in the grief-recovery process, I
also encourage you to really take your time regarding this most
important step in your life – and I wish you every happiness as you
move forward!
Dear Carole:
I read your story [Woman’s
World Magazine, May 12, 2008 edition]. Your husband die[d], but
that does not make you any better than us old widows. As you put it,
it sounds like you feel that we have no right to grieve because we
are old and we don't have the right to be upset. My husband died in
November, 2007 at 60 [years of age] and I am having a very hard time
getting through the day. You seem to feel that because I am old,
that is OK. You are still good-looking and have a job and a daughter
to take up your time. Us old widows have many wrinkles, no job and
not much money left. Why should I get out of bed? I am glad you
are now having a big beautiful life but someday you will be old too.
[I] hope you will not be alone.
CAROLE SAYS:
I always appreciate
feedback from our visitors; even if it is to express an opposite
point of view. I enjoy the exchange of ideas and perspectives very
much and I thank you for your contribution to the "dialogue".
However, in no way,
shape or form, do I ever draw any kind of
chronological distinction between "young" and "old" - because that
distinction has more to do with attitude and very little to do with
birthdate.
Should you visit the
site again, you may wish to read the Monthly Newsletter from April,
2008 (you'll enjoy the letter from a 85 year old widow).
Please also allow me to point out the following:
-
I thank you sincerely for the compliment of being "good looking".
As to my daughter “taking up my time”, the fact is that she is 19
years old, works full time and is a college student. My daughter
does not "take up my time" at all; rather, she comes home long
enough to shower and change clothes and we don’t see one another
very much. She is leading her own independent life; which is what
children her age are supposed to be doing. The things that
primarily take up my time are things that I have sought out to
fill my life. And the best part? My "job" is spent working with
awesome women like you, which is an enormous blessing.
-
The unfortunate reality is that the majority of support for widows
includes women who are somewhat older - and younger widows feel
completely alone; that they have nowhere to go and no one that
understands them. I'm working with a large demographic that has
not only been all but ignored, but are trying to find support from
women who are at about the same place in their lives...raising
young children; re-entering the workplace, etc. That said, I also
work with and speak to many audiences where the youngest widows in
the audience are in their late 50's. Without exception, all of
them have gleaned much from the uplifting and positive message
that we have to offer; mostly because we provide a "roadmap" of
what to do now and what to do next on the journey called widowhood
- something that EVERYONE can use; regardless of age.
-
Stereotypes are everywhere and widowhood is no exception. In
fact, I was once guilty of thinking of widows in terms of
"stereotype" - until I became one and saw how I was being treated
simply because I am widowed. My goal quickly became to break that
stereotype wide open. People need to realize that there are eight
to ten million young widows in existence with issues indigenous to
us as a group; as well the issues that are faced by our slightly
older sisterhood.
-
While Widows Wear Stilettos targets the issues that affect
widows in a younger age group, the happy fact is that we boast a
membership ranging in age from 17 years all the way up to the age
of 88 years young...and I work with all of
them! As a society, we are staying younger longer; in body, mind
and spirit and I'm delighted to report that I have just as many
WWS "Wonder Women" in their 60's, 70's and beyond as I do in the
younger age groups.
-
Finally, the reason that I am enjoying a "big beautiful life" is
because I made a conscious decision to heal. Yes, I grieved
(which many thought that I didn't have the right to do because my
husband was ill for two years, and his death was "expected"), but
I also desperately wanted to recover - and now I'm dedicated to
teaching others how to do the same. There's no shame in not
wanting to live your life in perpetual mourning. I also want to
point out that you are a very recent widow and you are most
certainly entitled to and need to take your time with your grief -
there's a huge difference between the few months that you have
been widowed and the seven and a half years that I have been
widowed. In fact, by the time I had reached my own "six month
mark" of widowhood in June, 2001:
Ø
My uncle
had very premeditatedly committed suicide ten days prior to my
husband’s death;
Ø
I had lost
my husband, (December 19, 2000);
Ø
I
underwent major emergency surgery three weeks after my
husband’s death;
Ø
I lost my
father on May 23, 2001.
Believe me, life wasn't so "big and beautiful" at that season in
time.
Widows Wear Stilettos
is my passion and my life's mission. My primary goal is to help and
serve those in need. Along with my wonderful team, we take joy in
being able to do so and will continue to do so as long as the need
exists. It is my fervent hope that if we were not able to provide
support to you, that you will be able to locate the support that you
seek.
JUNE,
2008
Dear Carole:
I am 43 [years old] and am losing my
husband to leukemia. He is in palliative care now and I am slowly
accepting the fact that I will soon be alone. It is encouraging to
know that there are others that have [gotten] through this and have
come out the other side ok.
CAROLE SAYS:
Please accept my good
thoughts and wishes for peace to you and your family as you move
through this period of your journey with your husband. As a
caregiver, I have been exactly where you are right now; as have many
thousands of the women who are members of Widows Wear Stilettos
- that moment in time where prayers turn to those of peace for all
of you and most especially for your husband.
You are so very wise to
join WWS at this time. When you are ready, you will already have a
direction in which to go - a place where you will find thousands of
women to support you; along with education and resources that you
will find both comforting and helpful. This is one of the primary
reasons that WWS was "born"...to enable the widowed to find what
they need, exactly when they need it.
We do have other members
in your situation; those who are not yet widowed, but who are
dealing with the terminal illness of their spouses and know what
their immediate future holds. We all hold you in our hearts and
welcome you to our WWS "family" of support.
Dear Carole:
I saw your article in
Woman's World. I went on your website and just love it. I read all
the letters but I didn't see any like mine.
I was with my husband
for 8 years when, without warning, he killed himself in the garage.
He was not mentally ill and no one had a clue - he didn't even leave
a note. When I think back, he must have had it planned for a while.
We had a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is now 8 years old. [I have]
much anger toward him and my self-esteem is
virtually non-existent.
I felt ready for a
relationship, [but] all I have had are a string of first dates. I
gave up and haven't dated for 3 years. The deal breaker is [when
dates] ask my marital status. When I [tell them that I am a] widow,
they ask how my husband died. If I tell the truth, they ask how
and why. Then the “gory details” are asked for, thus ending any
chances of me having a good time. If I defer [to give details], it
only makes them more curious.
If I ever do date again
(I am 45) what do I say [to dates]?
CAROLE SAYS:
First, your anger is
absolutely 100% normal and I want you to realize that. It's also no
surprise that your self-esteem took a big hit when your husband
decided to take his life - because at the heart of that very sad
decision is "what did I do / what didn't I do / what could have I
done?". Please let me assure you that your husband's decision had
NOTHING to do with you. I do want to commend you on having the
strength to realize that you and your precious daughter are entitled
to "live again", and that living again includes companionship. You
decided to heal - a brave decision indeed.
You are really having to
deal with a "double-whammy" - first the circumstances surrounding
your husband's death; compounded by the apparent insensitivity of
people who insist on "details". I can't imagine what that must be
like for you; however, should it happen again, I can give you some
insight as to how to handle it.
In my dating experience
since my husband's death, without exception, EVERYONE has inquired
as to the circumstances surrounding my husband's death. I would tell
them and they usually responded with "I'm sorry". I then said "thank
you" - and that's IT. I would not go into any further details until
or unless a friendship were to have ensued. Why? Because I'm not
compelled to reveal that much of myself that early in the process -
besides, the "details" are nobody's business! If I was pressed for
details, such as "How old was he when he died" or "How long was he
sick", I will very politely decline to answer and say something
like, "I'd rather talk about the present than the past"...and then
turn the conversation right back over to him. It worked every time.
You are NOT obligated to
provide any details surrounding your husband's death until the time
comes that you feel ready to do so. My mother used to tell me that,
"just because someone asks a question does not mean that you have
to answer it". These are incredibly wise words. In your
situation, if asked how your husband passed away, I would calmly say
that, "my husband chose to take his own life". Again, that's all
you need to say. Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity will say, "I'm
so sorry", to which you will say, "thank you"...and then move on.
However, if they continue to push you or make you feel in any way
uncomfortable, please feel free to say, "I choose not to discuss the
details"...and then seriously reconsider ever going out with them
again. If you're deferring creates "curiosity" that is their
problem. It is NOT your obligation to satisfy
anyone's morbid curiosity; rather it is your companion's
responsibility to get a clue and move on from the subject.
Foremost, I don't want
you to give up on dating or seeking companionship. Giving up won't
ever get you what you seek and what you deserve - and what you
deserve is someone who is kind, sensitive and worthy of you and your
daughter!
And just so you won't
feel entirely alone, I actually had one date years ago ask me, "Were
you still able to have sex with him when he was sick?". Suffice it
to say, I did NOT go out with him again.
Dear Carole:
I recently became a
widow at the age of 41. I had only been married nine months we had
dated for 4 ½ years. We did not even get a chance to celebrate our
first year anniversary.
I still have the [top
layer of our wedding] cake and people say I should throw it away,
but I feel like I should do something. If you could give me any
ideas I would appreciate it.
CAROLE SAYS:
I'm absolutely stunned
that anyone would tell you to throw away the top layer of your
wedding cake - hardly a supportive or even sensitive suggestion.
What would that accomplish? Do people honestly believe that by
throwing the cake away, you'll somehow feel better, or "forget" the
day? Unbelievable. However, it really makes no difference as to
what other people - including me - are telling you. How do YOU feel
about the top layer of your cake? Do YOU want to throw it away? My
guess is no.
There is nothing wrong
with commemorating your wedding anniversary; especially under your
particular set of circumstances. Your time together as a married
couple was far too short and you have every right to honor and
remember your husband and your time with him; both before and after
your marriage.
Do you have a close
family member or best friend with whom you might enjoy sharing the
cake? What about getting together with just one or two people that
are the closest (and most supportive) and enjoy the cake with a
glass of sparkling apple cider. Yes, it will be wistful and yes,
tears will likely be shed - but you will also find yourself enjoying
warm memories. Most of all, you will be doing what YOU want to do;
rather than what other people (likely none of whom are widowed) are
telling you to do.
MAY,
2008
Dear
Carole:
My husband died two years ago. We were happy
for 30 years; I was 17 when I married him. I got to hold him and
tell him I loved [him while he was] on his deathbed. I'm grateful
for everything we had and the time we spent together, but I feel so
guilty for the mistakes I made after his death [because] I [have]
never been alone in my life.
I met a man three months [after the death] and started a
relationship. I thought it was right, but I feel like I did
something wrong. People say it was too soon. My husband’s family
doesn't want anything to do with me because they say [that] if I
loved him, I would not [have] met another man so soon [after his
death]. I don't know why I did what I did. I was scared to be
alone and still am today. I feel like I am cheating on my husband,
but I loved him so much.
CAROLE SAYS:
The things people say
and the judgment they can cast – this is truly one of my favorite
subjects. Believe it or not, there will come a day when you will
laugh about it all - the absolute insensitivity of people is just
amazing, isn't it...so much so that I have entire chapters in my
book dedicated to these subjects and I talk about it on my CD as
well. Believe me, I've heard it ALL!
The
bottom line here is that no one has a CLUE as to what you've been
through and what you're going through - which makes them
ill-equipped to tell you anything. More importantly, and I repeat
this constantly ...this is YOUR healing journey. YOU are in charge.
YOU are the boss. No one else gets to tell you when or how to be
"over it" or resume dating or in general, how to lead your
life...and it IS your life!
Let's get something
straightened out immediately: You were NOT and you are NOT
"cheating" on your husband and I frankly don't care if you started
seeing someone the day after he died. You were a loving and caring
wife for 30 YEARS. Now, how many of us, myself
included, can say that these days? Has anyone (in his family or
otherwise) bothered to acknowledge your role as caregiver during his
illness and wonderful wife for your entire adult life? Likely the
answer is no. People are generally quicker to criticize than to
commend - a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. You have my sincere
admiration my friend.
Is three months
post-loss a little soon to resume dating and / or enter into a
relationship? Yes it is - but NOT because of the reasons you
outlined and despite what you may believe or what other people
think. It's a bit soon because you need time to recover from the
experience that was the death of your spouse. You need to get to
know this wonderful woman called YOU. You need and are entitled to
time on your own. Please hear my heart on this...it has NOTHING to
do with the love that you have for your late husband, which will
never end. You are going forward with life and that life should
include companionship and love.
I also want to remind
you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love that
you have for your late husband. That will never go away. The heart
has a great capacity to love and you are entitled to an abundant
life...one that includes love, laughter and happiness. My only
concern and what I would ask ANYONE who entered into a relationship
soon after the death of a spouse is, are you inviting another into
your life for the right reasons, rather than to fill a
void (which by the way is a NORMAL reaction). Whatever the case, we
need to rid you of the guilt and the toxic input of people who have
no business judging you. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about!
Let's quit starting sentences with "People say..." and instead
begin your sentences (and your thought processes) with, "I have done
the very best that I can under some horribly challenging
circumstances. I am stronger than most people on the planet. I have
the peace of knowing that I am a woman of character, strength and
integrity". How about that!
Dear Carole
It's been more than 3 years since my husband died. For the past
year, I've tired to be an average person and get involved with
church and community groups [and] I haven't found anyone who's
interested in me. For the past year I've tried [internet dating
websites], church, community groups and professional groups. I'm
not finding anyone available. I'm afraid it's me, I'm afraid it's
everyone else ... I'm just afraid and discouraged. I just don't know
what to do next.
CAROLE SAYS:
I'm glad that you
realize that you are too young to think in terms of a life without
companionship and yes, even love. Many in our situation feel that
they are either "cheating" on their late husbands or are somehow not
entitled to love once again. Nothing could be farther from the
truth and I'm happy to see that you realize that fact.
Somehow, we expect that
because we've been happily and successfully married, that Dating
World has somehow gotten easier or different. The fact remains that
dating is still a challenge and that there are still some pretty
rotten guys out there.
That said, there are
also absolutely wonderful men out there...but you're not going to
find them if you quit trying! By all means continue to keep active
in church activities and community groups - you might even think
about visiting other churches’ functions as well. Try Christian
dating sites and other reputable Internet dating sites. Yes, you
will run across jerks and idiots and the dubious letter writers
looking for money or U.S. citizenship - but that's what your
"delete" button is for. Also, have a double-look at the profile that
you post. Do you include a recent picture (absolutely vital if you
want to receive quality responses). Is it well written? Have a
trusted friend look it over and make suggestions if necessary. And
it's OK to post on more than one site too!
Trust me when I tell you
that I have spent more than my fair share of time on dates with
complete idiots - but just as with that winning field goal kick in
football when the kicker has missed all of his other attempts...it
only takes ONE. And when you find that ONE...it is SO worth all of
the previous effort - the "jerks" will magically disappear from your
memory (either that or make for great storytelling at parties).
APRIL, 2008
Dear Carole
My
husband passed away in January, 2008 [and] I have so much guilt
about that night. My husband was not able to communicate and it was
so hard to tell if he was awake or asleep. I sat with him all day.
We also have a [young] son [and] he was with us that night. I left
the room and took [our son] to his room to tell him [that there
wasn’t much time left]. When [we] came out of the room, the nurse
called me in to tell me [that] my husband was gone.
I feel
so guilty leaving the room and not being with [my husband] as he was
passing. I feel like such a failure to my husband. I feel like a did
a good job taking care of him while he was sick and he even told me
that I was his angel on earth. I think when the end came I just had
such a hard time letting go. Have you had anyone with this type of
guilt?
Thanks for your help and your site has been so helpful to me.
CAROLE SAYS:
Have I ever encountered
anyone with the guilt that you’re dealing with now? Without
exception, EVERY single widow feels or felt guilt on some level
(including me), and it doesn't even matter HOW she lost her husband!
Let's see how we can start to change that.
By your letter, it is
clear that yours was a long-term caregiving situation (as was mine).
and we always seem to feel like failures once our husband passes.
Why? Here's how the guilt tends to manifest with widows like
us. With all of the loving care that we gave to him - we didn't CURE
him. Even in a situation like mine, where the question of dying
wasn't "if", but "when", once my husband passed, I began questioning
the care that I had given him for over two years. Then I began to
think that because I couldn't "cure" him; I must have somehow failed
him.
Of course we know that
couldn't be more wrong. As did all of us, you too did your
absolutely utmost to take care of your husband - while having to
take care of a child at the same time! You're not just an "angel on
earth", as your husband was so wise to point out - you're a HERO my
friend!
I'm also assuming that
perhaps your husband was in a coma or semi-coma when you left the
room to go talk to your son. It's been medically shown that many
patients are still aware of what's going on around them. So think
about this - maybe your husband made the decision to "go" when you
and your son were out of the room so that the two of you wouldn't
have to actually see him die. This may well have been his gift to
the two of you. My husband died in my then 11-year old daughter's
arms and I'm not so sure that would have been his preference; had he
been given the choice.
The other thing that
you're dealing with, whether your realize it or not is a "loss of
purpose", which I discuss on my CD. In other words, the illness
that presided over every single decision we made every single day of
our lives - is now gone. And we're left to wonder what we're
supposed to do with ourselves NOW?
So instead of feeling
guilty and lost, let's try instead to gently switch the focus. I
want you to think about this instead - your husband knew that he was
surrounded by the love of you and your son. He referred to you as
his "angel on earth", so he was well aware of your love and care for
him. Plus - and this is really important - you've been widowed
barely two months! You are brand new on your healing journey and
you're still trying to sort through all of the grief, “find your
feet” AND continue on as a functioning parent. You have got to give
yourself the TIME to do all of these things. From one caregiver to
another, I applaud you and your efforts; as well as providing what
was obviously a very peaceful end for your husband. Please be
assured that we every single one of us had a hard time letting go
because we never expected that "last day" to actually arrive - I
know I didn't. So I want you to go to bed at night; content in the
knowledge that you did the very best that you could. He knew that
and we do too.
Dear Carole:
I was
married for 39 years and was a “Mrs”. Now I don't know if I am "The
Widow" or Ms. or Mrs. I have found the companionship of a widower
and we have been together for nearly six years but I still don't
know what to call myself.
Thanks
for your site.
CAROLE SAYS:
I
have addressed this very common question in the past and it remains
one of the most common questions that we receive – so the response
does bear repeating regularly.
Ms. and Mrs. are both
appropriate designations; it is really your personal preference.
However, while you are technically a widow until or unless you
remarry, "The Widow" is NOT an appropriate title or designation. It
is a martial status; used mostly when filling out governmental
forms. In other words, I would never want to be referred to as "The
Widow Fleet".
MARCH, 2008
Dear Carole,
I saw
you on the news tonight and immediately went to your web site. Even
though I'm 59 and lost my husband after 37 years of marriage, I
don't feel old. I keep wondering if there is some sort of dividing
line between young and old.
CAROLE
SAYS:
I do talk about this on the CD
because it is such a common question and / or observation….”Am I too
old?”.
As I believe with all of my heart,
there is no such thing as “too old” here. Many have heard me teach
that there is no such thing as “qualifying” for young widowhood…it’s
not like qualifying for a home loan and it’s not like qualifying for
the Olympics. If you find what you are seeking here – whether it’s
support, education, advice, community, making friends with others
who understand or just the simple realization that you are not all
alone – then you belong here!
Yes, most of the issues that we
address have to do with issues that younger widows commonly face –
raising babies, young children and adolescent children alone;
re-entering the workplace; the feelings of being marginalized (since
most young widows’ contemporaries are either married or “happy
singles”), etc. – the simple fact is that there is little support
out there for the younger widow and it is the most isolating, lonely
feeling in the world…especially when people look at you oddly when
you tell them you’re a widow.
However, and regardless of age,
every single one of us who are widowed also have to deal
with things such as financial issues, dating and / or companionship
issues, familial conflicts, the people around us and so forth.
These issues know no age “boundaries”. WWS is happy to boast a
membership and what we call a “family of support” that ranges in age
from 17 years (yes, we do have 17 year old widows) all the way up to
85 years young… and without exception, every single one of these WWS
“Wonder Women” have found something here that helped them!
And so my friend, we welcome you
with open arms, open ears and open hearts…and I promise that NO ONE
cares about the birthdate on your drivers’ license!
Dear Carole:
I found
the website, and read the message board from time to time. I am so
glad widows have another outlet.
My
husband died in 1993 and it still feels from time to time like I
have been punched in the gut. I was lucky and found a grief support
group at the hospital where my husband died. But men are expected to
get on with their lives, and women are expected to care for everyone
around them. It nice to see someone say, "you need to take care of
yourself as well".
I really do enjoy reading the message board and "Dear
Carole". Even after almost 15 years, I feel better knowing someone
else really knows the feelings.
CAROLE
SAYS:
Here at Widows Wear
Stilettos, we believe that time tempers pain and pain takes on a
different, more “quiet” perspective in our lives…but that it never
really goes away. It’s tucked into a “corner” of our hearts that
will always belong to the spouse we loved and lost far too soon.
On
behalf of you and every single member of WWS, I will always and
forever be a fierce advocate when it comes to caring about
yourself, because that’s often the first point of neglect.
When you take care of yourself in every respect (for those of you
who may have forgotten, that means physically, mentally, emotionally
and spiritually!), not only are you creating the necessary “building
blocks” needed to continue forward on your healing journey, you will
also be a healthier and more productive parent to your children;
better equipped to help them with their grief…and you will be
able to see to all of the other “caretaking” that we as women do on
a regular basis.
Most importantly and regardless of how much (or how little) time has
passed since you became widowed, you will always find people here
who understand and directly relate to your feelings.
JANUARY 2008
Dear Carole:
First,
let me say that your web site has helped me tremendously in
realizing that my emotions and reactions to widowhood are not the
least unusual or abnormal. Many of your answers and advice are
exactly what I need to hear.
My
husband passed away after a battle with cancer. This was sudden and
no one in the family had time to adjust to him dying so quickly.
We had been married for 17 years. He has three grown children and
they were not happy that [my husband] divorced their mother and
later remarried.
The
real problem is that the will left everything to me; written four
years before [my husband] was diagnosed and was not written under
any sort of duress. I am [now] being blamed for this. [The
children] feel that they have the right to come into our home and
take whatever they want. I have repeatedly told them that there are
many things that I am willing to give to them; some things
immediately and other [things] at a later time when I [am ready to]
part with them. I don't feel I am being unreasonable in my offers
of items that belong to their father; however I am unwilling to open
the front door and let them [take whatever they want]. In addition,
one of the daughters continually asks how much money I got and what
my financial situation is. As far as I am concerned and under these
circumstances, my financial situation is none of her business.
I would just like to
know what to say or how to approach this sticky situation without
alienating them further.
CAROLE
SAYS:
(As to any legal, medical or
financial advise, the opinions given are opinions of Widows Wear
Stilettos ONLY and should not be construed as directed advice.
Appropriate experts should be consulted).
As I discuss on my CD, the
pathetically sad fact is that at the time of a death, many families
go completely sideways. It is a pitiful situation and you would be
shocked as to just how common your situation is.
Let's start with the financial
aspect. The bottom line is that your financial situation is none of
anyone's business. Period. As long as your husband did not make a
provision that you are somehow "shielding" and I'm confident that is
most certainly NOT the case, you owe no one any explanations.
As to actual items of value (either
real or sentimental), it is again up to you to what the children are
entitled. For example, items such as photographs that involve their
father PRIOR to your coming into his life that they may be in, etc.;
their school photos that their father may have had; mementos of when
their father and mother were married, etc., can go to them. And
guess what? When YOU decide to start going through things, then and
ONLY then will they receive anything. You are not obligated to
"open your front door" to anyone! This is an intensely personal
part of the healing journey and one that you (and all widows out
there) have every right to keep to yourself.
I also want you to remember that
these are ADULTS (at least chronologically) that you're dealing
with. They didn't approve of Dad divorcing Mom? Sorry, that's just
too bad! If you were married for 17 years, they've had ample time
to get over it - this does not give them license to treat you
shabbily. ”Alienating them further" is not an issue, because they
are already alienated - a choice that they made at the
time of their parents’ divorce. Whether or not you start handing
over property or writing checks, they are not going to become a
loving, supportive part of your life. You will not win any
popularity contests with these people. I do understand that sounds
very cold and it's a desperately difficult concept to embrace;
nevertheless, you have been through quite enough without having
people like this causing you additional pain.
Dear Carole:
Is it
appropriate to invite the ex-wife to your husband's memorial mass?
She was married to [him] for [over 20] years. I was married to
[him] for [almost 30] years.
CAROLE
SAYS:
I first want to applaud your
sensitivity in even asking this question. It is a very kind gesture
on your part to acknowledge [your husband’s] life prior to your time
with him.
I believe that it is absolutely
appropriate to include [your husband’s] ex-wife at the memorial
mass. She did spend [over 20] years as his wife and as such, no
doubt mourns his passing in her way. You don't have to be
buddy-buddy friendly to or with her; just civil...but it would be
appropriate and a great kindness to invite her. However, and as I
always teach, you must be true to you and operate within your
comfort levels – you are the widow. If you feel as though she would
make a scene or otherwise create an unbearably uncomfortable
situation for you or for your family, then the obvious answer would
be no; do not include her. Only you can make that determination and
you should feel free to do so.
DECEMBER 2007
Dear Carole:
My
husband was killed when I was 38. I have never had even a hint of
another relationship [and] for some of the years since then, I've
been fine with that. My husband and I always talked about the fact
that we enjoyed our marriage so much that should one of us die, the
other would definitely marry again - but so far the Lord has not
brought anyone into my path. There has been no opportunity! I
still have children at home who need me and love me, and I have my
parents who love and support me, but I'M ALONE. My faith sustains
me and I trust God. But I don't know what to do with the longing
and the pain. I worry that if anyone ever DOES come along, and I
get much older, [that].physical intimacy won't be the same-and I
rage at the waste. I could join something like [an online dating
site] but there are lots of reasons not to:
1) I
don't want to "get ahead" of God;
2) I
personally know there are some real slime balls on there, and I
don't want to have to [deal with it]
3) I
would like to have a little bit more [of a] romantic story to tell
than, "I met my husband on [a dating site]
4)
It costs money.
Do
you have any help or counsel for this? Just knowing someone else
has faced this would be encouraging.
CAROLE SAYS:
My goal here is to help you move
forward in ways that I believe you want to move. G-d does not
intend for us to lead a life of emotional or spiritual poverty - we
are meant to live a life of abundance and that includes love and
companionship. And those who have had a happy and successful
marriage as you have are quite likely to marry again, should they
choose to do so.
I have done a significant amount of
dating in the years since my husband's death and feel adequately
qualified to help you along in this regard. What I'm hearing is
that you'd like companionship but that you're a little scared of
what's "out there". You know what? That's OK! The first step in
conquering fear is identifying it. We've done that...what next?
Let's quickly examine your reasons for not wanting to venture out -
and some of my observations and suggestions:
1) "I don't want to 'get ahead' of God"
You know, I have a wonderful little
sign that hangs in my private office that I've had for years. It
reads, "Reach up as far as you can, and G-d will reach down the rest
of the way". In other words, G-d ALWAYS does His part...but you
have to do YOUR part as well, and like it or not, that includes
putting yourself "out there". Scary? A little bit...but I promise
you, eligible men who are worthy of your time and effort will not
line up at your front door. You have got to make the effort.
As great as G-d is, He is not going to "put" people into your path
until you get out onto the path!
2) "I personally know there are some real slime balls on there,
and I don't want to have to [deal with it]”
You'll get no argument with me in
that regard because I've met a lot of them - a tremendous waste of
time, energy and make-up to be sure. But I want you to think back
to the days before the Internet; back to the days where we had to
date the "old fashioned way". There were slimeballs around then too
and dealing with it back then was a pain in the backside, wasn't it?
It's true that the Internet is rife with idiots, make no mistake.
However, as with the winning field goal kick in a football game...it
only takes ONE. Just ONE wonderful man - and when you find that one,
it makes the "slimeballs" of the world a distant memory...trust me.
3) "I would like to have a little bit more romantic story to tell
than 'I met my husband on [a dating site]
We would all like the "romantic
story"...but it's less important HOW you meet someone than the fact
that you actually MET someone who is wonderful and worthy of your
heart.
4) "It costs money"
Take a little time and do some
homework. Not all sites cost the same and different sites offer
different perks. And there is a site for virtually every religious
preference, hobby and interest out there. For example, you might
want to check out some of the Christian websites out there.
Regarding the “years wasted" - I
don't want you to think of those years as "wasted" years; however, I
do want you to think about this...you can't start to do something
"sooner", but you have the power to change tomorrow RIGHT NOW! Make
the choice to live the abundant life that I know you want to live.
You have the power and the strength within you to do it!
Dear
Carole
I found
your website today, and it was just what I needed.. I have been
feeling like I was going backwards in my grief journey.. I love your
positive attitude.. and agree we do have to make the choice to live!
Some days for me I do wonder how to do that.
I am
finding it very hard to open my heart to love again. It all seems
so pointless to me at times. I had a life, we made a good team. And
then it is over!! [My husband] got sick just after our retirement
and instead of having fun, I cared for him. People stay[ed] away
cause it is all so hard to watch.
I was
[fixed up with a friend of a mutual friend]. I knew I was not ready
[and] I was honest with this [man] He tries so hard to please me.
[but] I [felt that] I was cheating on my husband…that hit me hard I
am moving forward; I do see that [but] I also see [that] I have a
long way to go.
Thanks
for sharing Carole, you are awesome
CAROLE
SAYS:
Thank you for the compliment and I
couldn’t be happier that you are a member of WWS!
Let's get something straightened
out immediately: You were NOT and you are NOT "cheating" on your
husband You were a loving and caring wife and caregiver until the
end Has anyone bothered to acknowledge your role as caregiver
during his illness and the wonderful wife that you were? Likely the
answer is no. You have my sincere admiration my friend.
Please hear my heart on
this...becoming involved with another has NOTHING to do with the
love that you have for your late husband, which will never
end. You are going forward with life and as I said earlier, that
life can and should include companionship and love. I also want to
remind you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love
that you have for your late husband. That will never go away.
However, the heart has a great capacity to love and you are
entitled to an abundant life...one that includes love, laughter and
happiness. Now if you don't feel ready [for] the gentleman in your
life right now, that simply means that it's not time...YET! Maybe
you just need a little more time - which is perfectly okay. Whatever
the case, always ALWAYS listen to that little voice inside of you;
it will never steer you wrong. If something doesn't feel right -
it's not right. Don't force yourself and PLEASE don't feel guilty
for not wanting to plan a future when you are still “recovering”
from your immediate past.
DECEMBER 2007
Dear Carole:
I'm so
happy to have found your website! The advice and information has
been very helpful, not to mention comforting.
My
husband passed away [recently] after a [long-term] illness.
Birthdays, at least in our home, were considered “national
holidays” and some of our friends are asking if I intend on planning
a "memorial" celebration of his life. While I would like to do
this, I'm not sure what to do. Have you any advice for me?
CAROLE SAYS:
We too are a "birthdays take an
entire month to observe" type of household, so I understand exactly
what you're saying! However, I'm always a little skeptical when I
see letters that include the words "my family / friends want me
to...."
When it comes to your husband's
birthday, and especially in light of the fact that his passing was
recent, let's leave your friends out of this for a moment and let me
ask you...what do YOU want to do? What if you wanted to observe his
birthday quietly and / or all by yourself (as I chose to do), rather
than have a "memorial celebration" of his life. You just got
finished with a memorial celebration of his life. It's called a
funeral.
If you feel
like having a small dinner gathering or BBQ featuring some of your
husband's favorite foods and drinks, that would be lovely - but
remember, you are still trying to recover from not only the
experience of losing your husband, but from having to care for him
as well for a long period of time (people tend to forget that part).
Don't feel like you have to have a "memorial celebration" with
pictures and speeches and the like - you need to continue with the
process of healing and the beginnings of moving forward. I want to
make sure that the control and the decision making stays with you
and I would encourage to ask yourself what it is that you REALLY
want to do - and then follow your heart.
Dear Carole
My husband died [earlier this year] and we were married for 50
years. When he died I lost all of his military retirement pay. Is
there any group of military widows that are fighting to change this
situation?
CAROLE
SAYS:
The military can be a tricky road
to navigate and unfortunately, I am not qualified to give advice as
to the machinations and workings of the military and who qualifies
to receive survivor benefits and the like. However, and sadly too
often, women just simply accept the word "no" at face value; without
gathering all of the facts and more importantly, without fighting
back.
I would contact Legal Aid, your
local Lawyer Referral Service or the telephone book and consult with
an attorney who specializes in this area of the law. Find out what
rights you have as the survivor of a military retiree. Next, go
onto the Internet and do some research to find out if there are any
organizations ("grass roots" or otherwise) that are working to
change the policies concerning surviving spouses. And
ALWAYS...write your congressperson and your Senator - that's what
they are there for! Bring this to their attention; jump up and down
and make some noise...you are NOT the only person in this situation.
Particularly in view of the fact that we are headed into an
election year AND we are a nation currently at war, yours will be a
plight that can and should attract significant attention.
Dear Carole:
I came
across your website as I was talking to my recently widowed friend.
Her 'mother in law' is in town and I was asking her if there was a
term for 'mother in law' after your husband dies.
CAROLE
SAYS:
Your friend's mother-in-law is still her mother-in-law (until or
unless she chooses to remarry). No divorce took place, so all
"in-law" terminology remains the correct terminology.
NOVEMBER 2007
Dear Carole:
I live
in Ireland and I have been a widow for the past 14 years. I think I
am emotionally dead. My husband and best friend died in front of me
14 years ago and I think it is only starting to sink in now. I have
had four children to raise (one died) and spent all my time looking
after them. My husband was the only person that ever understood me.
{We] were married for 18 years and knew each other 23 years. The
only time that I have ever cried for Mick was the night he died. I
don’t like to talk about him. What is wrong with me? Have I blocked
him out of my mind?
CAROLE
SAYS:
I am thrilled that you are a part
of WWS "International" and we welcome you!
I cannot even imagine your pain and
the fact that you have survived both the loss of a spouse and a
child is testament to your amazing strength. Yes, I know you may
not necessarily feel very strong, but the fact that you found us,
you wrote to us and that you are reaching out for support shows just
how strong and determined you are.
You describe yourself as feeling
"emotionally dead". The reasons for feeling this way can be varied,
but your feelings may be due to the fact that you were not allowed
ample time or opportunity to grieve immediately after your tragic
losses. You don't mention when you lost your child, and the
proximity of time between the two losses; however, that's an
important consideration. You may have been "rushed" by well-meaning
people around you to "get over it". You may have "put off" your own
grief in the interest of work, your other children or both -
whatever the reason(s), when grief is postponed or an attempt at
circumventing grief is made, sooner or later it will return to
"bite" you.
In addition to our site and our
tools and resources, I am a huge proponent of therapy and / or grief
counseling and this is something that you may also wish to consider.
If you tried it once and it "didn't work"...keep trying! Look for a
therapist that specializes in these particular kinds of loss. I
also want you to check out the Monthly Newsletter archive on the
site as I wrote about dealing with "multiple tragedies" earlier this
year.
Dear Carole,
My
daughter's mother-in-law died unexpectedly four months ago. She and
her husband had been married for over thirty years. He began seeing
another woman [shortly] after the death. My question is not related
to his right to see this woman and be in control of his new life
(although we are concerned about the woman's intentions).
The
concern of the children and grandchildren is that [their father] has
so far refused to discuss parting with [his late wife’s belongings].
There is legitimate concern that some of these things may disappear
or jewelry may be dismantled and stones removed to make new items
for his new love. He is acting like a smitten teenager and appears
to be only concerned with [the new woman in his life] and could care
less about his sons who are still in deep mourning over the loss of
their mother.
This
new woman spends a good deal of time at his house and there is
concern over the children having access to their mother's things
---special sentimental items. How should the children approach
their father to ask that they be allowed to go through and choose
some special things that belonged to their mother?
CAROLE
SAYS:
This is indeed a very sticky
problem - but not at all unusual. For many, facing the pain of grief
and being alone is far more difficult than simply filling the void
with another romantic interest soon after the loss of a spouse. I
have long taught that getting romantically and / or physically
involved immediately after a spouse's death is not a healthy
decision and that seems to be what is happening here. Worse, the
children are suffering as a result; both from the practical
standpoint of the disposition of their mother's belongings and the
emotional standpoint of having to "accept" their father with another
woman so soon after their mother's death.
I'll start with the bottom line.
The reality is that Dad can't have it all. I would certainly
understand if he were not ready to dispose of or otherwise disburse
his wife's belongings at this point - yet he is involved
romantically with a woman, whose motives are suspect to the family.
If Dad is "ready" to be involved with another woman, then he is
"ready" to allow his children access to that which is rightfully
theirs. He cannot have it both ways...it's either too soon or it
isn't.
However, approaching Dad in an
adversarial or attacking manner is not going to help things either;
it will simply serve to throw everyone on the defensive. I would
suggest that all concerned parties (and better they should be
children, grandchildren and siblings rather than in-laws) sit down
with Dad quietly, calmly and rationally together - a united front
needs to be presented. Acknowledge the pain that they know Dad has
endured and that they understand that he is still young and
certainly entitled to find love again. Explain that while they are
pleased to see him moving forward (whether they are or not), part of
moving forward includes the "go through" process and that there are
items of Mom's that they want and deserve to have. They need to
GENTLY point out that if he is able to move forward romantically, he
can also move forward practically by allowing his children,
grandchildren, etc. access to that which their mother wanted them to
have. In this situation, you don't get to be "over it and movin'
on" in one sense (romantically); yet "refuse to discuss" allowing
family members access to Mom's belongings. Make it clear that they
don't want to take everything that belonged to Mom - just select
items. It would also be reasonable to inquire as to what kind of
financially protective measures Dad is taking in regard to the new
woman in his life and his financial future - for his sake.
OCTOBER 2007
Dear Carole:
[I am in] a terrible
situation because of [my husband’s] demise and that is [regarding]
medical insurance. Since we owned our own business, we had coverage
through that, but COBRA [continuation of insurance benefits] has
long since passed. I took on private insurance, but [the premium]
increases got so huge that it was impossible to keep. If something
were to happen to me, I do not know what I would do! How do you
manage?
CAROLE SAYS:
The fact is that I "manage" just
like everyone else in the United States has to manage. I pay a very
high premium every single month (which makes me very cranky) for
myself and for my daughter…and that premium has been steadily
increasing for the past three years.
That said, being without medical
insurance of any kind is akin to playing Russian Roulette with your
health and your financial well-being. It really takes only one
illness to wipe you out financially – this actually happened to us
after my husband’s death and remember, we DID have insurance! Do
your research and check out as many different plans as possible and
in your research, find out what kind of state assistance is offered
where you live. Somewhere, someone has a plan that they can tailor
to your needs. For example, if you are in good general health, you
may opt for a higher deductible. You may also wish to consult with
an insurance broker, who can do a lot of this legwork for you and
present the best possible option(s) to you.
Dear
Carole
I have
been a widow (I hate that word) for only six weeks. People are
already telling me, "You are still young, you can re-marry!" I am
feeling the most pain, panic attacks, dread, fear, ANGER… and nobody
understands. I walk into my house where he died and I just stand
there. I think, "What do I do next?"
Did you
get mad at God? I am a Christian, but I have not been back to
church. [Other people are] telling me that he is in a better place
and “God needed another angel", [then they] tell me how
to grieve and how long to grieve as they go home and hold
their husbands.
CAROLE SAYS:
The one thing to remember right now
is that you are a brand new widow and that you need to have
patience with yourself as you move through the
earliest stages of grief. You have sustained a horrendous shock and
that's a shock that you're going to need time from which to recover.
Be kind to you right now with good nutrition and adequate rest.
Other than anything that you need to do to generate income to
yourself (filing for survivor benefits and / or life insurance
claims, etc.), do not worry about any other major decisions right
now. Give yourself ample time to absorb the shock that you have
sustained.
Was I angry at G-d? You'd better
believe I was; for a good two years after Mike was diagnosed. But I
eventually came to understand that bad things don't come from G-d.
It's normal to ask, "Why me"...in fact, the next time you visit the
site, check out the Monthly Newsletter archive as I wrote an entire
newsletter dedicated to that subject. My job however, is to get you
from "why me" to "what now".
Isn't it so incredibly easy for
other people to decide on how and for how long you should be
grieving? Well, guess what? YOU are the boss here! This is YOUR
healing journey! No one gets to decide for you how, when and how
long it "should" take to grieve. Happily, you have found a place
filled with people who understand exactly with what you are dealing.
And yes, people DO say incredibly stupid things at exactly the wrong
time...so much so that I have an entire chapter in my book dedicated
to it! For what you are having to deal with from these people, I am
so sorry - but trust me when I tell you that you are not alone in
that experience. Believe me, I am doing my best to educate the
entire world on what to say during times of grief...or more
importantly, what NOT to say!
Lastly, not a one of us
particularly likes the word “widow” – but you know what? The word
isn’t really that bad. The experience of widowhood is
horrible and it certainly is something that I wouldn’t wish on
anyone - but if you look at it correctly, the word
“widow” is actually a badge of honor, and I go into that particular
philosophy at length on the CD. Meanwhile, you know that you have
found the one place where no one is going to say anything
inappropriate to you and most important, everyone
understands exactly how you feel!
SEPTEMBER 2007
Dear
Carole:
Why do
your girlfriends see you as “competition” [since becoming widowed]?
As though I would think to lower myself [in such a way]. It hurts
me terribly.
CAROLE SAYS:
When I receive mail like this from
our WWS members who have already been through so much, I really just
want to gather these other woefully insecure, misinformed, jealous,
pathetic women, lock them into a room with me and explain the facts
of life to them ---and none too nicely either. I actually do
address this particular situation in my first book. Why do
people think that because we're widowed, we are all of a sudden
lurking in the shadows, ready and waiting to pounce on the
unsuspecting husbands and boyfriends of other women.
My sweet friend - how I wish I
could answer that question. If I could answer why some people act
like such complete idiots toward my incredible WWS “Wonder Women”, I
would undoubtedly rule the world. We can lump people like those you
describe in alongside family members who want to know what the
deceased left to them in his will - and they ask this question at
the funeral service. Exactly WHERE do their brains go?!?!
We all know that there are women
out there who are very insecure and will always see other women as
"competition" in one respect or another; be it appearance, job,
social status, financial status - whatever. Now factor in that you
have a huge heart AND these women think that you're the "poor widow"
that men are going to feel sorry for and rush to “rescue”…like you
need to "play the widow card" to get male attention.
I wish I had a better answer for
you; other than to say that I too have been in your position many
times over – enough times to have warranted an entire chapter in a
book! So have thousands of other widows just like you - you are not
alone in this particular experience. Know that these "sad little
girls" who now see you as competition are just that..."little girls"
who are not worthy of you or your company. Rather than see you as
the model of strength that you are; they prefer to see you as some
kind of threat. Go ahead and let them. You go find yourself other
girlfriends here at WWS who will see you for the fantastic person
that you are!
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